NSFW

A RANT ABOUT FORUMS & CLOSE-MINDED BLOGGER
ASSHOLES... Including me.
This comes from Foamy the Squirrel over at illwillpress.com



http://www.illwillpress.com/FOR33.html

Man4man on Craigslist

This comes from the man 4 man section of Craigslist:

Tue nite bowling - m4m
“Hey not sure if you see this or not. I know some of the guys on the league say you have a b/f which is cool. I just thought I would tell you I think your hot. Sometime we get to bowl next to each other. Must say last week you had shorts on showing of your caffs My God you have some powerful legs. And hey I like my guys with some meet on them, love the goatee. See you on Tues... mmmmmm”

Well, if this doesn't get the guy interested I ‘m quite sure the “mmmmmmmm” will seal the deal. I believe he might think,
“This guy sound like a creepy internets stocker. But the “MMMMMMMMM” seams so sincere.”
The last time a guy said to me "I like guys with some meat on them" He got jabbed in the eye with a hot french fry.

I also found:

u took my shoes at nordstroms on tuesday - m4m
"What happened to our coffee date? Is that yr husband or boyfriend u left with? I waited for u? Eve if he's yrs, wanna meet? Yr hot and I want u! Please respond and let me know. I can be discreet and he doesn't need to know :) "

Not pathetic, not sad. A new level, called Pathedisad. I like to deperateely throw myself at someone then end with :)

I can tell I'm getting old. It's just at a month from Halloween and I haven't even thought of a costume. We, and by "we" I mean that's mostly Fuzzy's fault, bought a costume for Harley. Yes, we're at the point in our lives were we buy crap for the dog to wear. We were going to white parties, now we're dressing a shar-pei like a chicken.

My new Pumas

Future President Obama and Nancy Pelosi agree that my new Pumas rock.

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

Cake or Fox?

I just ran out of my office. It was "monthly birthday cake" time. God, I hate having to be all "team workish." I'm hiding in the lobby, but the massive TV is tuned to Fox news. Damn! Out of the frying pan.

CHARACTERS

I realize that you may lose track of all the characters in my blog. And, you may want to start collecting the action figures. So, here’s a list of some main characters and their back-stories.

Me, StevieB. I live in Denver, Colorado, USA. I love Denver, the mountains the non-stop traffic jams, I also love constantly whining about how much I miss the hip, cool factor of a big city. I’ve also lived in San Diego, and the Gay Ghettos of Dallas and Houston Texas. There’s still a lot of Texas in me. My days are spent being a cubical ninja, my nights are spent trying to make Fuzzy laugh. I drive around with the top off of my Jeep, click away on my IPod, read DC comics, and spend every dime taking gay cruises.

Fuzzy. My anatomically correct boy/manfriend/partner. Also the guy I’m head over heels in love with. He’s a former IML finalist. Muscle head composer/musician. He rides a cruiser and writes music. Man, I love this guy, all muscle and cuteness.

Dalton. Now technically he’s my ex. But, I feel that our relationship didn’t end. It just grew up. I now consider him my closest friend. He lives in NY or Brooklyn precisely. We met and lived together in Dallas. He introduced me to Hamlet, monogamy and Gilotto.

Carl, or BFFCarl. He’s a Texas boy through and through. He’s the definition of a “Renaissance man” you hear about but rarely see. He's the one guy that'll rearrange your furniture to make the living room finally work.

Frank, or IGfrank. He hosts Thanksgiving and keeps me informed about the latest trends in Gourmet magazine and BMB. He makes sure I show up for the gay, bear, leather, white or circuit cruises/parties on time and not to hung over.

I hope this will help you follow who’s who on the big gay blog. If you’re interested in the poseable action figures there is special attachments included. Carl comes with his Carl Dream House while Dalton has “Kung Fu grip.”

Now that I’ve got such a snazzy new IPhone it’s time to ACCESSORIZE!

Since my Jeep is a 01 it doesn’t have the snazzy 3mm hole to plug in my IPod. This means I have to use a FM modulator to jam out to my IPod/phone. I had an old style connector that Dalton and I had bought to move him to NY, and since I was waiting to get a new IPhone I’d drop the 90 bucks and get a new charger/transmitter. The first time I get into the Jeep with the IPhone, I get a little pop up. “This accessory is not made for this IPhone. You’ve wasted 90 bucks. You loser.” It said that right on the screen. “You Loser.”

The new IPhones have a “better way of charging” and you need to buy a charger specially built just for them. GREAT! Another 90 bucks I gotta shell out. Fine! Anyone want a month old IPod charger?

I would also like to take my new friend with me to the gym. I would like to show off my superiority to folks that have not shelled out a heap of cash and are getting by with 1 year old technology. To do this I wanted an armband. I was just about ready to by one on Apple.com when I noticed that the armband is only 15” around. But my arms are way huger-er-er. So I’m pissed that I can’t get an armband, but all giggly inside because of the reason. I know what you’re saying.
“Buy a DAMN belt clip and shut the fuck up, Steve!”
Well…. That’s rude, it is my blog after all.

The Cap'n and me

I read an article today in the Denver Post entitled “The Worst Food in America.”
The worst breakfast cereal? Cap’n Crunch. It has 146 calories, 2 grams of fat, but among the most dominant sources of empty calories in a child’s diet. Uh, “child’s diet?” I suck this stuff down every morning. I love that it was completely assumed that only kids ate this junk.
Probability, they assumed correctly.
I need to find some oatmeal.


Here's a picture of me at breakfast time:

RUN STEVIE RUN

Since I got back a CD of the Run Lola Run soundtrack this weekend, I’ve listened to it non-stop. So, I thought I’d subject you to it as well.



Back in 99’ I sooo wanted bright orange-red hair. That and to run around Berlin knocking over grocery stores.

Equus, A love story

Equus opens this week on Broadway, staring Daniel Radcliffe. This is a love story that I’m sure all of Harry Potter fans will be rushing to see. The hype about seeing Daniel’s full frontal nakedness will push those die-hard fans to see this tearjerker again and again. Soon you’ll see conventions of fans running around naked sodomizing and then flagellating in front of horses. Won’t that be fun? A fad will soon swarm the nation of gouging out horses eyes after worshiping them as gods.

As you know Equus is about a well-adjusted boy who makes up a religion based around his sexual attraction to horses due to his freak ass parents. Who, in the end have to pay the huge psychology bill to treat their son’s pathological religious/sexual fascination with horses.

Since this will soon be a fashion trend to hit America let’s jump on it and be among the first. So, today I’m sporting a lovely but understated flogger on my left shoulder, horse blood all over my pasty and yet sinewy British naked body and Pumas. Well, I want to be comfortable. Well I’m off to work, send me pictures of y’all when you get into the new trend.

Well hi there. This is just a little test to see if I can blog on the fly using my cute iPhone and my new app. Cellspin. I guess I can because your reading this. Right now I'm up loading my new CD I bought on amazon, it's the sound track to Run Lola Run. Just the best damn movie ever made. I lost the sound track when my G4 died. Of course I couldn't find it anywhere, so I bought it on line. Just like our bedroom furniture. I'd forgotten how much I love this CD. But I guess this concludes our blog/iPhone test. I now return you to your regularly scheduled weekend.

PORKY

As part of being in a relationship and living in sin you must take care of domestic duties. I hate pretty much any of these duties but for vacuuming and setting up and maintaining all electronic devices. Or really anything that beeps and/or flashes in the house. I have systematically put Fuzzy in charge of everything else. I see nothing wrong with this. Last night was they “Monthly Shopping” for all the major items we need. When I get down to eating peanut butter off of a playing card I think “Huh, where would I get bread?” Fuzz on the other hand is not happy unless there are three types of green beans in the “Pantry” (he calls it.) We must have at all times six different cuts of beef in the freezer. To which I think “Isn’t that why we have Taco Bell and Taco Johns? For variety, and if they get old there’s Del Taco.

So last night I got dragged to the Kroger, to go Krogering. In Denver they’re called King Soopers, but that’s just a stupid name they’ll always be Kroger to me, based on my Texas days. Soon we were in the meat department to spend what seemed to be 2 hours looking for the “best bargain.” Quickly I felt that I was trapped and tormented by my Homosexual Lover. That’s when I found the pork loin. Creepy looking and tasty, so I proceeded to chase Fuzzy around the department with it.




















To make up for shoving uncooked meet at him I gave him a lovely bouquet of Jello.

HOT JEEP GUY

BFF Carl and I were going through all the media sites trying to find information about Houston after Ike came-a-calling. He’s parents live on the north side but did not receive any damage. We were also trying to find out any information we could about Port Arthur, Texas. This is the home town of my Ex Dalton. He lives in NY but we really wanted to find some bit of information on the status of his family’s town. It seemed that every news source was concentrated on Galveston. Both Carl and I love Galveston and have been there numerous times, but it seemed a little over kill. We spent hours trying to get any information on Port Arthur or any other towns north of Galveston up to Louisiana. It seemed to be a mini version of Katrina when all the media cared about was New Orleans and not the rest of Louisiana. We did however run across some great pictures of the aftermath. One that Carl entitled: Fish Fence.



That’s one mad fish.

My favorite was from a story where a guy was going back to check on his house. His Jeep quickly became waterlogged. This is why you have a breather/snorkel on your jeep. But, he’s totally smoking hot. So he's now called the dumb but hot jeep guy. Woof, dummy.

Fuzzy turned to me on Sunday and said that he has never commented on any of my T-shirts. But that maybe the one I had on was a little past its prime. I think it’s perfectly fine.
I went shopping later that day.

BEEF?

My bud Jerrod reminded me of a story that happened over the summer. He apparently had a great time at the Wrangler and left when they threw him out after turning the lights on at 2AM. He was hungry and like any good bar night he ended up at the Taco bell drive through (or drive thru.) He had ordered a couple of tacos then started to go night-night there at the speaker. There was a pause when the speaker said,
“Beef?”
Long pause.
“Beef!”
At this point Jerrod had forgotten where he was, or why he was there. He responded,
“YOU’RE BEEF!?”
He then heard a giggle and,
“Just drive around sir.”

Gay Dogma and cake

This weekend Fuzzy talked me into going down to Pueblo to spend the day with the parents. I’ve said it before, having such a non relationship with my own parents it seems odd to see a somewhat functional parent/gay-child relationship. Yes, I did tell my Uber-Mormon parents that I’m a twisted faggot. But you know, it really didn’t help or hurt the situation. I really don’t understand the Gay Dogma of “ You must come out to everyone.” Seriously. Sometimes it’s just better to take people on their terms and try not to shove them into a mold they will not fit it. Will my Dad every want to hear about my Big Gay exploits? No. Do I want to hear about his Mormon missions? No.

You have two chances in life to have a healthy family relationship. When you’re a kid with your parents and when you grow up and foster your own. I am very lucky to have a family relationship with Fuzz, BFF Carl, IG Frank and the strong family circle we have.

Fuzzy has taught me many things about myself. But the biggest is that you can have a health relationship with your parents. But every party must being willing to step up and work on it.

So, let me jump down from this soapbox. There, that’s better. After dinner, I was sitting on the couch watching football. Yeah. Watching football with the ex prison guard, state trooper, Father-in-law. He gets up and hollers back,
“Steve ya-want some cake?”
I say “ No thanks, I’m on a slimming regiment.”
He didn’t get it. Nor should he. One minute later the Mom hollers
“Did you want ice cream with your cake?”
“Uh….sure thanks.” It was pretty damn good cake.

IKEA

On Wednesday there was a press conference to announce that IKEA is coming to Denver. I have not had an IKEA near me since I left Dallas. Just take a minute and try to imagine living in a city without an IKEA, it boggles the mind. About six months ago Fuzzy and I were looking for bedroom furniture. We hated everything we saw in showrooms here in Denver so we ended up ordering our new set from the IKEA store in Utah. At a pretty price to ship it here. The news that my IKEA is on its way means that this back water jerk town is growing up. Yippy!
They plan on breaking ground in a year’s time. Okay, so I still have a freaking long time to wait, but look out, I’ll be the first in line for some meatballs.

PISSED

Man I’m in a pissed off mood today. No real reason just fucking pissed at the world. I cranked up the Ramstien on the IPhone driving to work, that usually does the trick, but nope. I actually looked down at the Shar-pei this morning and remarked “Do you have to wiggle your tail like that?” I could very easily smack those stupid $700 glasses off of Sarah Palin’s face. That “I’m a compassionate conservative” smirk.

Hand puppet.

Can someone please tell me the name of the app. That deciphers music and gives you the title and artist? I really don’t want to read 4,785 app. definitions.

I came home yesterday to find this on the fridge:



























Harley the Shar-pei turned 6 and Grandma sent him a card.
He's middle aged and still gets birthday cards.

The Flying Tomato

At the Wrangler this weekend a buddy told me the story of what happened to his car. Last week he and his boyfriend went to Wendy’s for dinner. He was starving so on the way home he started inhaling his fries and burger. He became so immersed in his fries that he rear-ended the car in front of him stopped at the light. Apparently this was at high speed so the damage was severe. They were not hurt and neither was the shocked gentleman they just rammed. They all stood on the curb, exchanged information and waited for the police. The gentleman in the very expensive sedan kept staring at my friend and it was beginning to creep him out. He chalked it up to the anger of his new car getting totaled, but the guy kept starring. After what seemed to be quite awhile my friend finally asked “What! I’m sorry I did this but what?!” the gentleman slowly and quietly said.
“Uh….you’ve got a tomato on your head.”
“What?”
“You’ve got a tomato on…on your head!”
The force of the impact dislodged the Wendy’s burger and its delicious contents flew everywhere. The tomato landed in such a way to give my friend a cute little pill box hat.

GRRRRRRRRR

How was your weekend? One of Fuzzy’s friends had a birthday weekend thingy that was pretty cool. A lot of Wrangler beer drinking.
On Saturday I went to lift over at the 24fitness on Alameda which of course is where ya go if you’re gay and have an IPhone. And apparently an Atlantis gym bag. As I walk into the locker room with my 08 Atlantis gym bag, you know the one. They’re $1900 bucks but you get a free Big Gay Cruise with every purchase. I tossed the bag down I realized that I dropped next to another bear, with the same bag and on his IPhone. We squealed like sorority sisters. Well, not really being big muscelie bears we mostly grunted and growled GRRRRRRR gay cruise, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR white party, GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR free gym bag. Then we squealed and jumped up and down like Legally Blond. While giggling about how incredibly cool we are with our IPhones, and fur. I don’t remember if I worked out but the locker room was rather collegiate.

THE ROAD TO DIXIE

So after much worry Fuzzy (the mass of muscle that has to put up with me) has worked out that he can come with us on the Road Trip To Dixie. That’s what we’re calling it. THE ROAD TRIP TO DIXIE!
Which is really Des Moines? When we first heard that Dixie Longate, the most amazing Tupperware Sales Drag Queen was finally going on tour we plotted out what city we could have a BIG GAY ROADTRIP. The closest city being Des Moines, Iowa. Quickly we called the theater in Des Moines and bought our tickets. The question put to the ticket lady was,

“Do these Des Moineninsesses really know what they’re in for?”

She said no. WoooHooo! So October 9th we drive our rental van east. Okay, I admit that planning a road trip to drive to Iowa to see a drag queen Tupperware show sounds…… a little…. gay. Okay fine huge, heaping amounts of gay. But really its fun, it’s like a gay tracker pull. A gay smash-up derby. But just below a trip to Dollywood. Which is next year.
At first Fuzzy had some sort of work thing to do but, cereal what’s more important than buying plastic crap from a southern Drag queen? Really I’m glad he came to his senses.

IShar-pei

It turned colder this week in Denver. It feels amazing to get the heat gone for awhile. The highs are in the 70s and I know this due to my sexy new Iphone. It tells me what the temperature is and if the traffic is bad on I-25. I can read this while sitting in traffic with the window open. Technology.

The dog turned to me last night and said.
“Stevie are you ever going to put down that phone and pet me? I need a good lovin.”
I kind of paused realizing that he was right.
“Come on, one little scratch and then you can go back to your toy.”
So for just a little bit it was just me and the dog.
Then he tried to grab it to chew it to shreds. Damn dog.

Fear = Grammatical Errors

Today sitting in traffic I saw my first McCain bumper sticker. Not really surprised that it was on a Toyota V8 SUV. It then proceeded to cut off two cars to jockey into a better lane. I then saw a Ford Bronco that had shoe polish on its back window that read “Obama = Auntie Christ” Auntie? Auntie? What’s an Auntie Christ? I had an Auntie Christine but what does she have to do with Obama?

Fear = Grammatical errors!

Why does the right love fear so damn much?

Well, Labor Day went fine. Why is it that you can work for hours at someone else’s house but the “To do” list never gets done at your own house? I tried to work from home on Friday, it went pretty well. Since I was home “working” I decided I could tackle some of the mounting tasks on the StevieDo list. Like holding down the “Super-Squishy Elle Shaped Sofa of Love” and vacuuming out its crevices. I had to question my ability to work from home when I found myself screaming down the stairs
“If ya don’t know how to use the cord re-winder thingy on the vacuum, then don’t use the vacuum!!”
I take my vacuum very seriously. Fuzzy responded,
“Uh…No please no.”

I ran into every single (Denver based) ex-boyfriend at The Eagle LaborDay blowout. They, as a collective had gotten extremely fat. Not phat, fat. Even the muscle heads had bloated. As you can guess, it was a GREAT night. At this point we won’t mention that I’ve gone from 34 Levis to 36. Maybe more.

Labor Day

I'm not posting an entry today, but to say that I'm not I guess really I am. I or we decided that in lew of our regularly scheduled big gay camping trip or our even bigger, even gayer road trip to some bad gay bar within 600 miles of Denver we decided to help the BFF Carl in his new house. Carl and Will closed last Friday on a 1950s ranch house. A house that had been owned by little, tiny, elderly Mexicans. The house has brown everything, paneling, carpet and that ever so popular oak trimmed florescent light fixture hanging in the kitchen like a 70s Marshall Field’s dressing room. We’ve decided to take Labor Day to labor the day sprucing up their new house. And by “sprucing” I mean pulling down ceiling tiles one by one. But tonight is the big Labor Day Leather Dance Party And Ex-boyfriend fest. So that will be fun.