Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Shaving cream! Yummy!

On Saturday mornings I get to shower with the boyfriend. This last Saturday no different, I end up shaving while he's under the water brushing his teeth. When Fuzzy brushes his teeth he starts to foam at the mouth like a wolf just got released into a field of fluffy sheep. Frothy foam starts to spray everywhere. He's like a leatherman with rabies. So he’s frothing away when I turn to rinse my razor. Since he’s standing under the water I raise my razor above his head just as he looks up, opens his mouth and starts to rinse the toothpaste goatee from his mouth. Now it’s possible that I didn’t rinse my beard stubble razor into his mouth but yeah I’m sure I did.
On Thursday we leave for the biggest gay cruise in history and he’s the lucky guy that gets to spend a week with all this muscle…and inconsiderate jerkyness.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Neil Patrick Harris has Cancer

One of my associates, or monkeys as I like to call them came into my office broken up. Now this happens quite often, some person all rifled up because of something someone did. Sally is late 50ish and everything that happens in the office seams to throw her into a tail spin. I think of the time that the floors were to glossy and were hurting her eyes. She requested that I dull the floor. Today she walks in to tell me that her son was in the hospital and was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I quickly jump into counselor mode. Offer her a tissue and start to talk about her son. She tells me the story of her son’s struggle through the tests and being strong for his wife and kids. I mention that this is not a death sentence. Many people have been faced with this struggle. I then mentioned that Neil Armstrong went through a huge battle with testicular cancer. “And look at everything he’s accomplished.” Sally States “Wow really?” “Yeah and he’s the strongest people I’ve ever seen.” She is obviously relieved, “and to think he went to the moon and back. Well if he can do it I’m sure my boy can!”
It’s just at that point that I realize what I said, What I meant to say was Lance Armstrong. But at this point she is so built up that an astronaut that she obviously admires went through the same thing her son I couldn’t bring myself to tell her it was actually the skinny bicycle rider who wins contests in France . She just happens to have a “Boycott France ” bumper sticker on her car.
So I gave Neil Armstrong ball cancer. Is that so wrong? She’s happy, the son will be inspired life is good, another person helped. Later I tried to retell the story and messed up the names again and gave cancer to Neil Patrick Harris. Cancer for Everyone!

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

Painting Madness

I found this pic on Big Muscle Bear. I thought you'd enjoy.
Sponge painting?
If you notice you can't see his hands, I think there's a sponge in each hand.

Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Road to the White House '09

Why is it that I cannot escape the presidential caucuses and primaries?

I turned on the radio in the jeep today just long enough to plug in the iPod, but in that split second I’ve heard a sound bite from Hillary who was “connecting to the people” in a diner somewhere in the mid-west. Meanwhile Barack Obama is “calling for Change.” Seriously has there ever been a candidate that does not call for change? I’m sure that Ogg called for change in the way that dinosaurs were being skinned. Did you hear that the creepy Baldwin (well they’re all creepy) but Stephen Baldwin called Howard Stern last week? Keep in mind that he’s the Baldwin that does all the Left Behind movies. He stated that he agrees with Mike Huckabee’s take on the bible and same-sex marriage, that he would ban it if he were President. If there was a poll, I’m sure that Mike Huckabee would be voted “Most likely to have molested a child.” But hell if the Baldwin’s like him…

Why is that Christen fundamentalists hate Mormons so much? The only reason Huckabee is surging is because they’re scared of Mitt Romney. Is it because there’s a group that’s more subversive then them? I don’t think so. Being raised in the Mormon Church I remember being “taught” that the only thing lower than being black was being Catholic, or Baptist, or Presbyterian or really anything but Mormon. So I guess there’s no love lost.

I’m going to vote Democrat. I don’t really care if the party puts up a 1970 Ford Maverick without the Grabber trim package, no spoiler and a non-working 8track player. I’ll vote for it, it’ll have a better foreign policy then any Republican I’ve seen. So if this is the case why, oh why do I need to see long news stories of what pie each candidate ate at a New Hampshire diner? But on the other hand, the one candidate who keeps being blasted for no foreign policy experience, Barak just called both sides of the Kenya conflict to get them back to the negotiation table after the disputed election left thousands dead. Get her.

Thursday, January 3, 2008

Resolutions 2008

Well it’s 2008. This is the week were every news source is doing a 2007 reflective. Can I just watch CNN without having to see Mahmoud Ahmadinejad once again going on how he wants to meet more homosexuals in his country?

This is also the time when I take stock and look back on the last year to see what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown as a man. As I do this I can tell what kind of year I’ve finished. The first on the list was if your out of dishwasher detergent you can not use dish liquid, this will give you the feel of a foam party at your local leather bar, but in your kitchen. Next was, never tell your upstairs neighbor that her dog is getting chunky. She will hear that you called her chunky and give you dirty looks for the remainder of the year. Also, The public Library really does want all the books they gave you back. And The number one thing I learned in 2007 is… If you book a gay cruise in January of 08, all you’ll want is for 2007 to get done so you can get on the gay boat.

My big “New Years Resolution” for 2007 was to…. Something having to do with remembering things. Maybe writing things down. But I can’t really remember. This year I’m going to be much better. Here is my list for 2008:
1. Have a Breakfast Burrito Supreme at Pete’s Kitchen.
2. Stop making fun of guys at the gym that are wearing MC Hammer pants.
3. When I leave the first drive up window but yet have not arrived at the second drive up window to stop looking down at my cup holder and panicking that I did not get my Diet Coke and cussing that the Bas-tards forgot to give me my Diet Coke. Due to the fact that it is in fact always waiting for me at the second window.
4. Stop telling Child Molester jokes to Frank.
5. Upon seeing much more muscular guys stop thinking “Well I’ve got a much better sense of style and a much bigger cock.” It's true but really.
I think that these 5 resolutions will get me through 2008 and my life as it has been lived with dignity will remain in full contact.