Tuesday, March 25, 2008


Okay seriously, are all snack cakes gay? I was on the internets the other day looking for images and I found this yummy if not flaming layout. I don’t remember snacks cakes being so swishy. Like they would get their delicious little cream-filled heads bashed in if they walked through the corn chips turf in the vending machine. So on the left there’s “The Captain” a dark, fudgy daddy in uniform. Then there’s Twinkie the Kid, I love the hearts on his scarf very broke back."I wish I could quit you!" Next is what it would look like if a chocolate roll was “rolling” during a Peter Pan Themed Atlantis cruise T-dance. His bags have “water” bottles and tiny little glow sticks in them. On the right is apparently an Oscar Wilde cream pie. Yummy, and sharp witticisms on every bag. You didn’t hear this from me but Chocolate Roll is a huge druggie bottom. Just so ya know.

Sunday, March 23, 2008

No man knows Whitney's Naked Burritos

We went to Tracks to dance last night. They have two rooms, one with a DJ flown in from somewhere and the “Retro” room. I of course was in the retro room. They played Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody, now I have to admit that I loved Whitney. Early Whitney, being the dork that I am I knew that this song was released in May of 1987. I then looked around and realized that every guy around us was born in 1987. I went to stand by the bar. The highlight of the evening was upon leaving the Burrito Lady was waiting for us. I declared my undying love for her and she just gave me the look of understanding like a priest would give to one of their flock. Sometimes at night I dream of her.

So, I went to see Naked B4 God. Which had neither nakedness nor God in. Yes, it was horrible. Mike Jones’ acting was as good as you would think a guy with 30-years in the escort business would be. Don’t quit your day job. He was a step away from chewing on the scenery. And yet as the train wreck kept twisting and piling up I realized that Mike seems like an incredibly nice guy. Someone you’d want to sit next to at Thanksgiving, he comes from a great well-adjusted place that ya can't help but applaud his courage. So way to go Mike, just take acting lessons.

It’s Easter morning and I have successfully avoided any calls from the family. Yeah, I’m sure I just jinxed myself. Wouldn’t it lovely to not drive to the Mom’s house to listen to the family actively avoid asking me any questions about my personal life. “So Steve, How’s….work treating you?” I would then reply “Well I fucked 2 menz butts and had a muscled gym buddy pee on my chest.” “Well that’s great! It’s important to keep busy.” Thanks aunt Helen. That and Mormons are world famous for being horrid cooks.

I took a strange exit off the Highway mostly because I really needed gas yesterday . As I came off the fly over a Jetta merged into my lane and came inches to taking us out. I swirved and contained myself getting back to being desperate about gas. As I pulled up to the nearest pump I got out and quickly realized that the Jetta was pulling up behind me and the driver was hopping out. Great, this is not going to end well. My Pumas are sooo going to get scuffed. “Dude” barks the 20 year old with his cap turned to the side. I think “Puff up puff up they hate that” So I roll my shoulders up and hold the gas hose with manly confidence. "Dude.. Sorry about that back there. I didn’t see you.” Uhhhh, OK no big. “Are we cool?” Yep, no big... thanks. Dude turns, jumps in to the Jetta and zips away.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Walter and Perry

On Adult Swim (AKA The Cartoon Network) there’s a cartoon called Home Movies. If you have not seen this little show you should DVR it. It has Paula Poundstone as Brendan Small’s Mom. The highlight of your experience will be meeting Walter and Perry. they're the original happiest gay couple in the world. Check them out.

In a world out of control this truly is a love story for our time...

Monday, March 17, 2008


I had to teach class at work today. The monkeys never really listen but I talk about teamwork and integrity and they try not to fall asleep. On my way in I stopped at McDonald’s to pick up some bribes or breakfast, whichever. So I approached the counter and asked Jesus for 30 egg McMuffins. He wasn’t the real Jesus just a 19 year old with the same name, in case you where wondering. So I say “Morning, may I have 30 egg McMuffins?” Jesus replied. “ Do ya want deese for heere or to go?”
“Um, to go please. When I stay and eat people tend to stare.” Jesus didn’t even blink, damn he’s good.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Naked B4 God

Naked B4 God. Oh god Mike Jones, the escort who exposed New Life pastor Ted Haggard now tries to stay in our hearts.
When Mike Jones first came forward and exposed not only the hypocrisy of an extremely right wing pastor who “taught” the evils of Homosexuality by speaking up about their “blow by blow” relationship, but also shed a light on the fundamental Christian church and how it's tiring to rewrite America in it’s own image. I was impressed and a little giggly.
Then he appeared on every news program on the planet exposing the dark secrets and evils of the fundamentalist and gave every flaming drug filled detail. I applauded.
Next was the book with every detail of the relationship and the saga explained. Now, for full disclosure I have not read this book, unless it has Superman as the main antagonist I probably won’t read. But I respected that he held his own feet to the flames to get this documented. How many books are out there by right wing authors spewing forth lies about Homosexuality? Now comes the Mike Jones stage show? Seriously? You can read a blurb on it at Towleroad.com This seams to me that now Mike Jones is trying to take his 15 minutes and stretch them as far as they’ll go. It was a great steed he road in on but can we please put this one trick pony out to stud?

Do we need a Ted Haggard all singing all dancing spectacular spectacular? Naked B4 God, at first glance it’s just to stretch out a bit more of Mike’s “day in the sun.” So will I go? Well Mike is kinda hot. Maybe they’ll do some hot nude screens, but how hot is it when you know it’s the pastor of New life Church which pressed hard to pass a constitutional amendment against same sex marriage? Well if he was on bottom then maybe.
More about the Ted and Mike love connection.
And more.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

My Weekend

I helped a friend move his Mom this past weekend. His Dad recently passed away and friends and family rallied together to move the Mom out of the family’s house and into a more manageable townhouse. It took quite awhile to load up the hugest U-haul I’ve ever seen not to mention 5 cars worth of family belongings.

This event was rattling to say the least on the family as they were in the process of saying goodbye to the patriarch and the house the kids were raised in. Saturday we got over to the new house and everyone pitched in to unload this behemoth of a truck. Once the truck was unloaded I started to unload the Mom’s car, I grab a Crock Pot and a beach bag looking knapsack. I ‘m pretty excited we’re almost done with out major breakdowns from my friend or his two sisters. As I reach the front door I stop and start talking about how great it feels to be almost done. Just then I hear someone scream. My buddy then turns to me as says “You GOT to be kidding me?! Dude that’s my Dad!” I look down into the Crock Pot. He then takes the bag from my hand. Their father’s ashes were being swung around by me inside of a knapsack. The sisters were still recoiling in horror.

So that was my weekend. You?