THE GOLEM

So I called my old cell phone company.
Hi there, my contract is up and I was wondering…..”
“You must speak to The Golem.” Said the voice.
“Uh, I thought that the Golem couldn’t speak?” CLICK, click buzzzz click, pop.
“The Golem speaks!!!!”
"Uh Hi......Mr. Golem My name is StevieB and I had questions about my contract.”
“The Golem knows all about contracts!”
“Okay… Well I bought an Iphone..”
“The Golem does not obey Iphone! Only Rabbi Bezalel and Qwest Communications!“
“That’s great… really. My questions is that my contract is up with your Rabbi and Qwest and I would like to take my phone number to AT&T for my new Iphone. See what I mean?”
“The Golem does not obey Iphone! Only Rabbi Bezalel and Qwest Communications! “
“Oy, yes! That’s great. But I want my phone number from you now that my contract is up.”
“Your contract with Rabbi Bezalel and Qwest Communications does not culminate until the thirty-first day of the month of Adar !”
“Is that August?”
“I only tell the truth!” Barked The Golem.
“So can I have my number moved before August 31st? “
“200 hundred dollars and you are set free!!!”
“Uhmm, really?” I stammered and stuttered.
“YES!!! And feel the wraith of THE GOLEM! Or wait until the first day of September and remove your number form the children of Israel's sight! I am The Golem!”
WOW, for being the spirit of Joseph Sheda that’s pretty harsh.
“I am the Golem!”
“Okay, okay sorry. I just wait unitl the first, so anyway I thought that you could not speak?”
“And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul, Genesis 2:7.”
“Yeah?” I said “that’s cool. I have an Iphone.”
“The Golem taught himself to speak at community college! I am the Golem! Thank God for calling!” Click.
And that’s why I still don’t have my Iphone, I have to wait until Monday or I’ll be attacked by a super-human clod of clay without a soul.

Jesus Christ.

AFTER SSSSS-S-SCHOOL SPECIAL

Today at the gym I went to use the cables. As I started to adjust the position a guy came from nowhere and somewhat barked that he was still using them. When I’m in a situation like this my stutter comes back. I said “Sssss-s-sorry.” He then said “HA! SSSSSS-S-Soaright!” and laughed again.
This did not sit well with the StevieB, but when I replied I of course I said “If it makes you f-feel like mmmmmm-m-more of a man to make fun of people. Go right ahead.

Seriously could I have sounded more like an after school special?

Whatever happened to afterschool specials? I always wanted to see one about an effeminate Mormon boy with a lisp, and a stutter but with an uncanny fashion sense. At the end he holds his fist up and declares. “I’ll show you, I’ll show you all. I’m gonna grow up to have 19” arms, wear nothing but cargo shorts and date a former International Mr. Leather finalist. You’ll see! Then you’ll be sorry!”

DNC COVERAGE

Your complete source for the Democratic Convention coverage.
My buddy Hillary delivered in every way last night. That and she looked great in her signature color. Her aides carried out no less than six pant suits earlier in the day to see how they all looked under the lights. The protesters had their “angry eyes” on yesterday. But it was much to do about nothing. The Rage Against The Machine concert is today so I’m sure that flaming cop cars will be all the rage later. When I get my IPhone I’ll take some flamey cop car pics. Doesn’t that sounds like fun? Maybe I’ll take marshmallows.

THE IPHONE COMETH

Here's a video of me when I got the call and was told my IPhone was ready for pick up. Finally. There of course is gonna be fifty roadblocks and angry protesters between me and the AT&T store.

DNC COVERAGE

Your complete source for the Democratic Convention coverage.
Last night was the grand kickoff of the DNC. God, I had forgotten how much I love Jimmy Carter. Did you know that he is single handedly rebuilding New Orleans? He's 87 and swinging a hammer. And yep we had our first arrests for a group trying to assassinate Obama. it seems like a group of good Ol'boys were coming to town to shoot them a black man. Teddy Kennedy was great as the longest living Kennedy. Michelle Obama was amazing, half Mrs. Obama and half Mary Tyler Moore.
I saw Mitt's hair last night. Jesus does he have a HUGE pompadour. It's like he takes his cat everywhere he goes. Well, I received a clip from the convention of Ted Kennedy's speech so I thought I'd share it with you.

DNC COVERAGE

Your complete source for the Democratic Convention coverage.
Yesterday was the pre-kick off for the 2008 DNC and I was on the beat for you, the loyal reader. The protesters have poured into Denver over the last couple days. You could not drive on I-70 without seeing a Hybrid with a “Protect free speech” bumper sticker and sleeping bags packed in the back. Yesterday was the kickoff of the protest marches planned all this week.

Have you see Mark Cohen the speaker for Recreate 68 protest group? He seems like the type that would cut in front of you in line at Target. Yes, I believe highly in ending the war and every other platform that most of the protesters have, and yet shouldn’t they be in Minnesota? When you talk to the protesters individually they’re concerned about American’s free speech and civil liberties being trampled on, but wasn’t that all constructed by the Bushies? It does seem a little like professional protesters are showing up just because they like conflict.

Yesterday Cindy Sheehan spoke very beautifully about ending the war. Then Recreate 68 spokesperson Mark Cohen had to beat his chest stating that the only reason turnout was so low (around 1,000) was due to “the man” scaring away people. But I have to give it to him. Mark Cohen one, 16th street mall shuttle buses zero. They successfully blocked the mall shuttles from moving on the 16th mall. We were downtown yesterday and I have to say there is nothing hotter than a man in riot gear. Wow! There were some hot guys with zip straps on their hips. All and all, Denver has never looked better, downtown is as clean and more beautiful then I’ve ever seen it. Tonight Michelle Obama will speak at the Pepsi Center introducing her husband as a middle class hard working man. Can you imagine have a President that had student loans? Out of the whole convention I’m most excited about her speech. The local Fox news station had more coverage with the Republicans in town then with a single Democrat. In an interview with Fox the head of the RNC said "Blah, blah blah."

Down with mall shuttles!

10

I've passed the weekend like most Happy Homos, on Luriddigs.com just when your down about not finding that certain someone on ManHunt, or your decorating sense. Just pop on over to Lurid digs. It will fix you up.

BTW:

9

Just in case you've been wondering where I am on waiting for my IPhone.



How can I live carrying around a phone, Ipod and camera.
Damn you, Damn you Steve Jobs! Why do you make me love you so?

Let's pass the time with a little classical music.

8

Has anybody else been jerking off to Olympic waterpolo?
Okay so they wear dorky little bonnets but other than that. Grrrrrrrrrr!
BTW it’s day:

7

So we’re still not discussing that fact that I’m the only Fag that isn’t in compliance by not having an Iphone. I feel that soon my fellow Fags are kick me out of the circle and I’m going to have to start wearing Jeff Gordon T-shirts. But in case you’re wondering how many days I’ve been waiting:


To pass the time until I get GPS in my hand let’s talk about ass gaskets.

What is up with the tissue things that people put down on toilet seats? I long wondered what’s the deal with these things. Do they really do anything? As any good American that doesn’t have their time filled up using their Iphone, I Googled it. So it turns out they don’t do a damn thing. Nothing more than help with the "icky" factor. That, and you can dress like a pilgrim at your office Thanksgiving party. Why do people use them? That’s when I asked BFF Carl and he said "Oh… you mean ass gaskets. Nope, don’t use them and they don’t do anything more then make you feel better about the status of your ass." I’m in touch with ass. I pretty much know what’s going on down there. If I’ve got some sort of open wound I’m not. Here out, NOT coming to work. I feel that everyone would probably do the same. So why spend 20 minutes trying to get one of these bible page thin circles arranged just right to plop you tuckus onto it just to spend another 8 minutes try to peal this pilgrim collar off your bum and somehow hit the toilet. I guess it’s just to make you feel that you have cleaner can.

6

I will not talk about my backordered Iphone. But just so ya know it's day:








Yesterday I walked into the locker room at the gym. Trap and Lat day, as I rounded the corner I ran into a guy I tricked with about 74 years ago and I puffed up like a blow fish. Ya’know when you walk by a hot guy and you instantly shove your pecs into your chin. I slowly swaggered around and went to take a leak. I then came across a guy who apparently just finished pissing but quickly realized that his shoe was untied. As I walked up he had his foot up on the lip of the urinal tying his shoe, my first thought was “Icky.” Well being wet and slippery he quickly slipped and his shoe went in to the urinal. His forehead came crashing in the flusher and of course flushed his foot. Thank God I was at a urinal cause I would of pissed my shorts from laughing.

5

It has been kindly suggested that I shut my Ihole and quit whining about the backorder on my Iphone. Noted. Windows loving Jerk. So all I’m going to say is:







BTW, Dixie Longate has FINALLY posted her tour. If you don’t know Dixie I guess you haven’t taken a gay cruise in about 50 years. Take a look at her website. She is the sassy drag queen that sells you Tupperware. Yep, Tupperware. She has bunch of videos on You Tube. But not as many as Michael over at Are You Sure You Want to Know?

Dixie has so many quotable lines that you leave her show talking like a checker at a southern Safeway. Which as y’all know they don’t have, there called Randall’s but that didn’t rhyme. Being Denver Fags we love all things Dixie Longate, but sadly her tour is coming nowhere close to the Rocky Mountains. The altitude makes her hair go flat. So, last night at Texas De Brazil we started to plan a road trip, the nearest city is Des Moines. Yeah, Des Moines. The Denver Fags are going to Des Moines! Here's some Dixie to get ya in the mood:

4

Day four of waiting for the little gay ATT&T boy to call me and let me know that the little digital third to my and Fuzzy’s relationship is here. My cute little IPhone, It will be here soon to share our bed. In the meantime I‘ve transferred a lot of crap from by old phone to ICal and my Mac address book. I have found an amazing amount of junk on my phone. Like the phone number to Pei-Wei on 3001 Knox Street in Dallas. Now, I don’t NEED this number but you just never know. I may be back in Dallas and have a hankering for Asian fusion. Or The Leather Man a leather shop on Christopher St, NY. I believe in putting a number my phone and walking away. I have 3 James…. I don’t know any James(eses.) It goes to show if you give me your number I will never lose it. I may lose knowing who the heck you are, but I’ll have your number. Or if I get sent back in time to 2003 and need to call me ex Dalton at work, I’ll have the number. Then I can amaze him with my “PHONE FROM THE FUTURE.”
Until Mr. Gayatt&t calls I've made my own Iphone:

IPHONE WAIT

Day three of “IPhone wait.” I’m strong, I can do this. It’s just a phone that’s back ordered no big deal. Just a bountiful, sinewy, piece of technology that will improve my life with its shiny buttons. Oh, so many buttons. I love them so, the way they call to me. “Press me Steve! We’ll make you happy!”
It’s just day three. My phone will come in anytime now. At anytime Mr. Gayatt&t will call me on my old icky-God-I-hate-it phone and let me know that Apple and of course Jesus wants me to be happy. Yes, I said it! Jesus wants me to have a new IPhone.


Have I mentioned yet that the backorder on my IPhone may take up to ten days? Long wait for Stevie!
This weekend was my BFF Carl’s birthday party. His Homosexual lover threw a huge bash for him. During this party and several glasses of Grey Goose I realized two things. The first is that I’m a “complementary drunk” that is to say when I get drunk I walk around a complement people. I walked up to Joe and gushed about how I liked his shirt, then every article of clothing on his hard chiseled body. Later I was found talking another friend on how his new tires look “really striking on his Honda. “ The Second is that without counseling and maybe a Lindsey Lohan rehab I could quite easily become an IDick.

Mo-Mo

Fuzzy and I met his parents for dinner this week. This is of course a normal part of being a man-friend but the whole “having dinner with the in-laws” thing is still a little new to me. I wouldn’t wish my freaky ass kin-folk on my worst enemy, well maybe “W.” I honestly would rather shove a incensed squirrel down my pants then spend time with any of them. So when I hear that others actually like to meet for dinner I’m a little skeptical.
Since I come from a long line of Mormons that can be traced back to Mr. Josef Smith let’s just say they are not the most fun at parties. The whole “dead end to a family tree” is documented painfully in our Family lineage book somewhere in Utah. Every couple of years someone somewhere, meaning my Mom sends the boys on bicycles after me to track me down and ask me once again about my “wife and kids” so it can be documented for the temple.

Why you ask am I bringing this shit up? It’s Colton Ford’s fault.
Yesterday I was on the treadmill. Bouncing along to Colton (That’s what I call him, along with My Colton) as in “Leave my Colton alone” when yet another friend says “He’s hot and all but Stevie He can’t sing his way out of a paper bag!” Yesterday I’m on the treadmill and I got a little carried away with my Colton by pulling back on the headphones while dancing. This dropped my IPod onto the Jetsons’ like spinning surface shooting it at the woman behind me. The woman wearing the BYU shirt.
Damn! I expelled in a deep and manly voice. She quickly helped me up as I had jumped doing some-sort of half pike mid-air twist to matrix my IPod. At this point she sniffed me out as a Mo. That’s a Mormon, opposed to being a Mo as in “homo” which yes, makes me a Mo – Mo. She then threw her talons into me. I quickly stammered about cutting off my toe off and having my shoe fill up with blood then hobbled off. I’m sorry but I’m not going to “out” myself as a Mo (not a mo) to the Mo-girl I just launched my IPod at. Seriously!

I NO

I was pretty excited today. Today was the day I went to get my new IPhone. Yep, you got it my brand new, shiny, sexy, Oh-my-god IPhone. Did y’all know that they were back ordered? Yes, back ordered.
I came very close to kicking “Shcott” the bubbly AT&T sales gay in the shin. “What do you mean they’re not here? I said my voice cracking like a guy down at the strip club being told that “Ginger” his favorite is out with a bad STD.
“Went to get me an IPhone but they said No, no no. “
I’ve got a little piece of paper that says”IOU one IPhone.” You can call me on that if you like.

Car Sleeping

I have finally found my people. The interesting and mixed group of us that spend the lunch hour sitting in the parking garage. It’s a strange little congress of us that sit quietly our cars whiling away the lunch hour. I noticed today that we as a people congregate in one little corner of the garage. Like the “fours” did in the shipping containers in I robot. For some unexplained reason we group together, maybe for protection. Maybe to just stay away from the “Let’s go out to lunch together” people. God we hate them. They just ruin everything. “Hey, let’s all go out to Bennigans together, then I won’t put in enough money.” So unified we sit. Personally I sleep while listening to endless IPod David Sedaris audio books. But it doesn’t matter, some listen to talk radio, some just while away watching the clock slowly click away until 1PM. Earlier this week I heard a muffled “It’s time to go back.” My first thought was to roll down the window and scream “some of us are trying to sleep!” Like we’re in some sort of car Barrio. But quickly realized it was just the brethren helping the common good. So stand tall if you waste your lunch in your car. Then recline the seat and doze.

GYM UPDATE

I have finally got back to full weights, I’ve completed arms, shoulders and chest without my left shoulder trying to detach and try to kill me. I have shortened my reps on chest just a bit to “play it safe. “ The best thing about having a sore shoulder was that the only thing I could do while Fuzzy was bouncing the bar off of his chest was crunches. Tons of F*#$ crunches, I now have the hardest abs I’ve ever had. And if they weren’t covered by Taco Bell blubber you’d see them. But, they are under there trust me. On Sunday we went to lift and Fuzz decided to wear his Dolly Parton Tour T-shirt. It did look a little odd Dolly’s face stretched out of shape across his massive chest but it kind of was fitting with all the surgery that Dolly’s face has seen.
Through the work out we spotted this huge muscled bodybuilder. You know the type; he really should be May in the Colt calendar. Half way though dips he maneuvers up to Fuzz like a Battle ship turning to take on the Japanese and Says “Oh…My.. GAWD!!! You went to see DOLLY?!?!” At this point little hearts and unicorns started to float about his thick neck and thick head. I shot a look to Fuzz full of “thanks for ruining our three-way shower jerk off session!” And then quickly ran to the other side of the gym. But apparently Dolly fans are as thick as thieves. They chatted no doubtably about their love for dolly while I pushed off another set of F*$#%$ crunches.

Dora hittinz on my man

I finally realized what Fuzzy was doing in this picture from Thanksgiving.
Getting sexually harassed by Dora the Explorer. I thought he just really liked the TV.

What I overheard today coming from the next cubical.
Look! Look out the window! Geese! A bunch of Geese.
Wow, that one’s really fat. I think she’s pregnant.
Me. Uh, what?
She gonna be a momma Goose soon.
Me. Uh, birds lay eggs.
Yeah, and she looks heavy she’s gonna deliver soon.
Me.
That would be amazing to see.

To go along with the killing children theme I found this:

Googled this today:


I couldn't stop laughing. Wrong. So very wrong.

Brideshead Revisited

Fuzzy and I went to see a movie over the weekend. This may not sound like much but, I have not gone to the Cinema since Dalton and I saw Ghost In The Shell in 2004. Yeah, I hadn’t seen a movie in four years. I just had other things to do, that and I don’t have an attention span. But, I knew that I had met my match when Fuzz told me he hadn’t gone to the movie in three years.
So why the sudden the trip to the Cinema house? It was 105 degrees in Denver. We ended up seeing Brideshead Revisited. Waiting four years between movies I have to say it was worth ending the dry spell on Emma Thompson. For an “Oh dear.. Let’s discuss the changing of the sunlight upon the manner’s glen.” Type of movie it was quite impressive. Although, through the first half of the movie I kept thinking I remembered the antagonist from somewhere. Then it hit me, he’s the guy from the Pet Shop Boys!! Or at least he looked like him.

The remainder of the movie had me rolling over and over “why would the singer from the Pet Shop Boys be in a Costume drama? Well, it wasn’t him but damn. What a great career move that would have been.

Liftin'

Fuzzy and I have this weird habit of needing a bench at the gym right when every frickin' muscle head has decided to pump an extra 20. Why does 24hour only have 3 flat benches?

Fuzz my man, cannot change his habitrail so if it’s time to bench nothings gonna change that. So, we wait. I have seen a lot of bulges that I would have missed, so it’s not all bad. One afternoon we noticed this guy who we now call Forest Gump. He got this name because he likes to sit on a bench and talk to people about his life. This day he was apparently signing up for a Time-Life book series via his cell. I think that Fuzz may not have appreciated that excitement of getting, Great buildings of the World due to Fuzzy walking up to him and explaining that his cell phone was going up his ass if didn’t get it off the bench.

This came up in conversation today when I realized that my shoulder strain has faded enough to start back at my heavier weights. Man I hate straining muscles. You have to baby yourself and just wait while your traps start shrinking away. Today I’m going back to normal weights, wish me luck.

So I get this E-mail from my buddy Carl:

In case you didn’t know - Wikipedia sets us straight!
Bacon grease, also known as bacon drippings, is the grease created by cooking bacon.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bacon_grease#Grease

~Carl

Uh….thanks? In the interest of promoting bacon awareness. I thought I’d share this with you. Don’t ever say you don’t learn anything from wasting your time on my blog. Mr.

Republican Foreign Policy

In this day and age there’s really is too much debate and confusion about America’s foreign policy and our leadership roll in the world. I’ve been tiring to understand the mind set and philosophy for years. I have finally found one person that can explain this phenomenon easily. Who knew the answer was with Eddy Izzard all the time.
Take a look….

WWCCD

I just warning you! If I have to see one more political commercial I’m heading up to the bell tower with a high powered rifle. Picture this, It’s 6AM this morning I’ve got coffee, a bowl of Captain Crunch . The Shar-pei and I are hanging out on the couch, we’re waking up by watching the morning news. Upon a commercial break EVERY commercial was political in nature. I don’t need politicians in my Captain Crunch, it’s fake enough on its own.
It’s only July and I think the only way I’m going to make it to November is with the DVR. That and “interest groups” very rarely buy air time during The Venture Brothers.
But that’s not the point!
This may have something to do with the Democratic convention getting ready to come to Denver. Three days of Democrats in Denver. Thousands of “protesters” are going to converge on downtown Denver August 25th-28th. And I have to ask why are they protesting Democrats? I thought that Bushies were the ones that started a useless unnecessary war just to appease their father?
I can see the protesters now. “Stop the healthcare reform now!” “More money to big corporate oil!”
See what happens when you mess with Stevie’s Captain Crunch. He gets all grandstandie. I have to keep reminding myself, WWCCD?
What would Captain Crunch do?