MY HOLIDAY HAMBURGER

Let’s not discuss why it happened but last Friday, the biggest Christmas shopping day of the year I was at Super Target. At six AM. Buying frozen White Castle hamburgers. I was sporting sweat pants, pillow marks on my face and sweat shirt that may have been on backwards.

As I approached the check stands to wade through the hundreds of sleep deprived holiday shoppers I started to think twice at my need for frozen fast food themed burgers. But it was too late to turn and paddle upstream. I stood in line like Janeane Garofalo in Whoville. Quickly my turn came, I placed my box of frozen meat onto the belt right after Edie McClurg’s “grandbabie’s toys” and waited for the story about how Mrs. McClurg is finally going to see her babies to end with the cashier so I can pay for my little bit of heaven in plastic wrap.

It was my turn.

“Did you find all of you holiday special deals today?” She cheerfully questioned, not looking down.

“Yes. Yes I did.” Watching her face change as she noticed what she had to ring.

“Well….great. We all have to eat.” As I turned my head sideways like a dog trying to read The Catcher in the Rye.

She handed me my receipt like she was dealing with a subway bomber. A look of total contempt, trying to figure out why a healthy Christian would be there buying something other than presents for his wife and kids. I suddenly had an urge to scream out that I was a Jew. But, that would leave an image that non-gentiles have bad eating habits. I couldn’t live with that so, I just smiled and went to fight the traffic out of the parking lot.