RUNNING

It’s been one year since I committed myself to running. Do more than talk about good health, but actually put puma to pavement.

Other then the obvious being losing twenty-eight pounds, I’ve also found a new hobby, a new mindset, and a new outlook. It’s funny how something as easy as putting on running shoes and just moving forward down the path could help me… move forward down the path.

“Everyone who has run knows that it’s most important value is in removing tension and allowing a release from whatever other cares the day may bring.” – Jimmy Carter

What can’t President Carter do? Sorry, I probably think about Jimmy Carter too much. Thank God, my Armband iPod holder came in the mail. Now I can fill my brain with Robyn and stop thinking about Jimmy Carter.

STOCKING STUFFER

“Can you call my phone?”

I hollered this up the stairs last Friday night. I couldn’t find my phone all day on Friday and was just recovering from cold sweats and the shakes. Not being connected to the interwebs for the day had taken its toll on me. I had been constantly scratching my left wrist while rocking back and forth. All the time wondering why my baby hadn’t gained any weight. Now it was time to look around the house. Again.

“Yes, just call it.” I snapped, wondering if Lassie had it this hard.

I turned and went to dig through the dog’s food bag, the only place that I hadn’t looked. Dragging my hand to the bottom of the bag I suddenly turned to the face the dog. He had a look of either guilt from stealing my phone or of confusion from me molesting his food. Then, the theme song to the TV show Dallas started to waft through the air; quiet at first then growing louder. I turned to the Shar-pei and he said, “That’s your phone!” As I turned to run towards the sound of my beloved. Halfway up the stairs the only sound louder than my ring tone was Fuzzy declaring;

“Oooh, what’s this!”

As I entered the bedroom the only person more crestfallen would have been Anna Karenina as she spied her lover being sent off to the front by a younger woman. There in Fuzzy’s left hand was my phone in his right was a huge box of fine chocolate. The chocolate I had purchased and hidden in the back of my underwear drawer for his Christmas stocking.

Last Thursday I bought a great box of his favorite chocolates excited to see him discover them in this stocking on Christmas morn. I guess I was so caught up in the guilt of hiding things when I placed my phone on the box and shoved the whole thing under my underwear. I then spent the next ten minutes trying to explain that NO, I did not hide the chocolate and phone as a romantic game.

“Sugar butt. Thanks for assuming that I’m that clever. You know me; I’m just not that smart." True.

9

Just in case you've been wondering where I am on waiting for my IPhone.



How can I live carrying around a phone, Ipod and camera.
Damn you, Damn you Steve Jobs! Why do you make me love you so?

Let's pass the time with a little classical music.

7

So we’re still not discussing that fact that I’m the only Fag that isn’t in compliance by not having an Iphone. I feel that soon my fellow Fags are kick me out of the circle and I’m going to have to start wearing Jeff Gordon T-shirts. But in case you’re wondering how many days I’ve been waiting:


To pass the time until I get GPS in my hand let’s talk about ass gaskets.

What is up with the tissue things that people put down on toilet seats? I long wondered what’s the deal with these things. Do they really do anything? As any good American that doesn’t have their time filled up using their Iphone, I Googled it. So it turns out they don’t do a damn thing. Nothing more than help with the "icky" factor. That, and you can dress like a pilgrim at your office Thanksgiving party. Why do people use them? That’s when I asked BFF Carl and he said "Oh… you mean ass gaskets. Nope, don’t use them and they don’t do anything more then make you feel better about the status of your ass." I’m in touch with ass. I pretty much know what’s going on down there. If I’ve got some sort of open wound I’m not. Here out, NOT coming to work. I feel that everyone would probably do the same. So why spend 20 minutes trying to get one of these bible page thin circles arranged just right to plop you tuckus onto it just to spend another 8 minutes try to peal this pilgrim collar off your bum and somehow hit the toilet. I guess it’s just to make you feel that you have cleaner can.

6

I will not talk about my backordered Iphone. But just so ya know it's day:








Yesterday I walked into the locker room at the gym. Trap and Lat day, as I rounded the corner I ran into a guy I tricked with about 74 years ago and I puffed up like a blow fish. Ya’know when you walk by a hot guy and you instantly shove your pecs into your chin. I slowly swaggered around and went to take a leak. I then came across a guy who apparently just finished pissing but quickly realized that his shoe was untied. As I walked up he had his foot up on the lip of the urinal tying his shoe, my first thought was “Icky.” Well being wet and slippery he quickly slipped and his shoe went in to the urinal. His forehead came crashing in the flusher and of course flushed his foot. Thank God I was at a urinal cause I would of pissed my shorts from laughing.

5

It has been kindly suggested that I shut my Ihole and quit whining about the backorder on my Iphone. Noted. Windows loving Jerk. So all I’m going to say is:







BTW, Dixie Longate has FINALLY posted her tour. If you don’t know Dixie I guess you haven’t taken a gay cruise in about 50 years. Take a look at her website. She is the sassy drag queen that sells you Tupperware. Yep, Tupperware. She has bunch of videos on You Tube. But not as many as Michael over at Are You Sure You Want to Know?

Dixie has so many quotable lines that you leave her show talking like a checker at a southern Safeway. Which as y’all know they don’t have, there called Randall’s but that didn’t rhyme. Being Denver Fags we love all things Dixie Longate, but sadly her tour is coming nowhere close to the Rocky Mountains. The altitude makes her hair go flat. So, last night at Texas De Brazil we started to plan a road trip, the nearest city is Des Moines. Yeah, Des Moines. The Denver Fags are going to Des Moines! Here's some Dixie to get ya in the mood:

4

Day four of waiting for the little gay ATT&T boy to call me and let me know that the little digital third to my and Fuzzy’s relationship is here. My cute little IPhone, It will be here soon to share our bed. In the meantime I‘ve transferred a lot of crap from by old phone to ICal and my Mac address book. I have found an amazing amount of junk on my phone. Like the phone number to Pei-Wei on 3001 Knox Street in Dallas. Now, I don’t NEED this number but you just never know. I may be back in Dallas and have a hankering for Asian fusion. Or The Leather Man a leather shop on Christopher St, NY. I believe in putting a number my phone and walking away. I have 3 James…. I don’t know any James(eses.) It goes to show if you give me your number I will never lose it. I may lose knowing who the heck you are, but I’ll have your number. Or if I get sent back in time to 2003 and need to call me ex Dalton at work, I’ll have the number. Then I can amaze him with my “PHONE FROM THE FUTURE.”
Until Mr. Gayatt&t calls I've made my own Iphone:

IPHONE WAIT

Day three of “IPhone wait.” I’m strong, I can do this. It’s just a phone that’s back ordered no big deal. Just a bountiful, sinewy, piece of technology that will improve my life with its shiny buttons. Oh, so many buttons. I love them so, the way they call to me. “Press me Steve! We’ll make you happy!”
It’s just day three. My phone will come in anytime now. At anytime Mr. Gayatt&t will call me on my old icky-God-I-hate-it phone and let me know that Apple and of course Jesus wants me to be happy. Yes, I said it! Jesus wants me to have a new IPhone.


Have I mentioned yet that the backorder on my IPhone may take up to ten days? Long wait for Stevie!
This weekend was my BFF Carl’s birthday party. His Homosexual lover threw a huge bash for him. During this party and several glasses of Grey Goose I realized two things. The first is that I’m a “complementary drunk” that is to say when I get drunk I walk around a complement people. I walked up to Joe and gushed about how I liked his shirt, then every article of clothing on his hard chiseled body. Later I was found talking another friend on how his new tires look “really striking on his Honda. “ The Second is that without counseling and maybe a Lindsey Lohan rehab I could quite easily become an IDick.

I NO

I was pretty excited today. Today was the day I went to get my new IPhone. Yep, you got it my brand new, shiny, sexy, Oh-my-god IPhone. Did y’all know that they were back ordered? Yes, back ordered.
I came very close to kicking “Shcott” the bubbly AT&T sales gay in the shin. “What do you mean they’re not here? I said my voice cracking like a guy down at the strip club being told that “Ginger” his favorite is out with a bad STD.
“Went to get me an IPhone but they said No, no no. “
I’ve got a little piece of paper that says”IOU one IPhone.” You can call me on that if you like.

I thought I broke my IPod today. As I got into the Jeep ready for another great commute across Denver I grabbed my IPod and plugged it into its holder. Later down the road I picked it up to change from Madonna to an Audio book when BAM! The IPod’s display was toast. This put me into a tail spin that David Sedaris’ new book wouldn’t pull me out of. I realized that this was the sign I needed that it was time for me to get the new IPhone. When I pulled and parked at my destination I pulled off my sunglasses and pulled out the IPod. The screen was fine. Okay, maybe it was just an early morning thing.
At lunch I plugged it back in and again quickly saw the damage. What the fuck is going on here. Just then I looked the display on my radio. It was hosed too. I stopped at an intersection to piece this together. That’s when I screamed. MY SUNGLASSES! I had just bought new shades. Polarized sunglasses, in polarized glasses horizontally polarized light is blocked by the vertically oriented polarizers in the lenses. They react adversely with liquid crystal displays (LCDs.) The problem with LCDs is that when viewed through polarized lenses from a certain angle, they can be invisible.
I’m glad I found this out, yet I lost my built in excuse for an IPhone.

IDICK

So I went to a big gay holiday party on Saturday and it went really well. There was 8 inches of snow just to set the mood. This was the first of Carl’s parties
were I didn’t want to deck someone during the festivities. Frank taught me a new word. “Idick” This stems from the guys who kept showing off their Iphones to anyone that would come within 50 feet. The more they talk about their iphones and how their lives have become so “cosmopolitan” the more they become huge dickheads. Hence Idick, the act of being a dick for showing off your Iphone like anyone really cares. You still live in a city with a larger tax base for football then the museums. Just because you have an Iphone doesn’t make you any less socially awkward.

Speaking of awkward did you see in the news that Al Gore won the Nobel peace prize? During part of this process he and the other Nobel laureates got to meet with President George Bush. During this meeting W stated that if it weren’t for a change of fate President Gore would be greeting him in the oval office to congratulate him for winning the Nobel. What the freaking hell! Why on earth would W win a Nobel. Are they giving them out for vodka drinking and bad articulation?