Sunday, December 7, 2014

The Annual Christmas Rant

Ahh, December 7th. It’s time to gather around and listen to Uncle Steve’s annual Christmas rant…..

WHAT THE F*#K DO PENGUINS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!?!?

Have you seen the inflatable, glowing Christmas crap that everyone displays on their front lawns? Big billowing snowmen, elves, and insidiously happy penguins. Seriously, What the heck to penguins have to do with Christmas?

At night it’s quite a cute little scene. A winter wonderland all blown up and bopping around to the forced air whooshing up their butts. During the day it’s another story, driving through any upscale neighborhood it's a reenactment of Jim Jones goes to Christmas town. Dead, flat elves and snow people scatter the lawns like a mass suicide cult hit the North Pole. A massacre of merriment. One half-inflated penguin dragging its self off the lawn coughing out,  I only live in Antarctica and parts of South America why am I even here?

Aaaaaaaaaghh!”

5 comments:

Blobby said...

well to be fair, Santa doesn't *really* live at the North Pole.

anne marie in philly said...

too funny and so correct!

John said...

"Jim Jones goes to Christmas town"...that made me laugh before 7am on a Sunday. But it's funny 'cause it's true.

Ur-spo said...

The do seem to be everywhere these days.
Walter weebles, our 3ft tall emperor penguin, just came out of the box and is standing guard in the hallway, as is his wont. As he shows up every year without fuss, we don't question.

Anonymous said...

Also Africa, Australia, and New Zealand.