Thursday, October 30, 2008

Car History

Cars I’ve owned order since I hit puberty:

68 Ford, Mustang
83 Toyota, Supra
85 Nissan, Truck
87 Toyota, 4runner
91 GMC, Sierra
00 Jeep, Cherokee
01 Ram, Truck
01 Jeep, Wrangler

This year I’ve grown up a lot. By this I mean I’ve had to fill up a Jeep for a 90 mile daily commute. That, and I’m at the point in my life where I want to be pampered. Is it so wrong to want power windows and a sun roof? Knowing that I’m giving up driving around and around Chessman with the top off so everyone can see my chiseled chest. Uh…let’s forget I said that last part, OK? Anyway…..
Now I’m thinking about getting the next great Stevie-mobile. So, being a huge (some may argue literally or just fugitively) gay guy I wanted to see what the Moes are driving, so I Googled.

I think I’m a 9. By that I mean the number nine, the Ford Flex.
I smell a road trip!

Or there's the Dodge Challenger, I do consider myself a Mopar man.

Now that would be cool driving around a gay park with my shirt off. At 17MPG. Great. Gee, what a surprise, there is no Taurus SHO written in any gay or for that matter any hip article anywhere. Surprised?

How about a Lincoln MKZ? At 32K.

I do like the Dodge Charger. It’s what the cops drive in these parts and that makes me rock hard. Seriously, and sadly every time I see one I get close to shooting. This may be odd, on my daily commute.

Well, I guess I’ll keep thinking about this.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008


A momentous occasion happened this week. The Jeep turned over, not literally but its odometer. I was kind of excited. Then I wondered why I would excited about having a jeep with 100K on it. I spent the day shopping on line for a new vehicle.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008


Have I told you that I HATE Halloween? Hate it, hate it, and hate it. And here’s why, I’m a huge chicken -scaredy pants. I’ll be the first to admit it. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not the costumes, decorations or anything like that. It’s the TV commercials.

See, I have night terrors. Sometimes they’re fun. Like when I climbed up onto the bed and hit my head on the ceiling fan because I thought I was climbing onto the center stand to receive my Olympic gold medal. Most of the time however, they are horrible. Panic filled near heart attack kind of horrible. October it seems they show nothing but commercials for horror movies. Like the ongoing love story of the Saw V movie. The last “scary” movie I saw at length was Seven. It took me a month to not wake up in the hallway punching either the wall or the boyfriend. He got very “tenderized” that month. I still wonder why he broke up with me? Every time I see just a second or two of the Saw or anything in that vein I soak it directly into the darkest part of my brain and then twist it around to terrorize myself at 3AM, just so I can wake up beating the shit out of the highboy.

This is why we can’t have anything nice.

It has worked out this October. Since I have to watch everything on the DVR (so I can fast-forward through the commercials) I’ve also missed all the political ads. The race between the D and R for Colorado’s Senate seat it so hotly contested it seems like a horror movie. So, if you’re ever in our neighborhood at 2AM and see Stevie out on the lawn in his undies , duck.

Monday, October 27, 2008


Two reasons why Steve should not be allowed around a video camera until he has had his coffee. Enjoy!
Oh, uh. And... tilt your head to the left.

Finally! Some coffee.

Saturday, October 25, 2008


Vote NO on California Prop 8

So we can foster healthy relationships like Dr. Bunsen and Beaker.

Friday, October 24, 2008


An applied animal behavior study found that Dachshunds are the most aggressive breed of dog. Not Rottweilers or Pit bulls. Cute little wieners.
Here’s the news article from

Here’s a list of how the jerk dogs of the world rank.

Meanine Wienie.
I just love saying Mean Wiener.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Need to lose weight?

Oh, remember. We were so simple then......

Please, don't go all "And the Band Played On" on me. It's a joke.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008


I always have toyed with getting inked. I think it’s a great idea, but having something permanently tattooed on my skin has sometimes bothered me. I have to say that I am closer than ever to jumping into the pool. I’ve found out what Combo #4 is, at my local Chinese restaurant. This way I can walk in and point to the “mystic Chinese character” on my forearm that everyone thinks symbolizes “Earth, air and spirit.” This way I can get in and eat faster.

I’ve found this on
The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green website.

Click on it to read

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Going to the mailbox I found it jammed full of happy little reminders why Democracy does not work. Remember when AOL jammed about 50 of their start up disks in your mail slot? Back when I was wearing Gap flat fronts. I literally had 67 pieces of mail from every candidate and freakish cause jammed in my box. Mark Udall’s (D) slick copy with his grinning face, and then his opponent Bob Shafer (R) grinning back stating “No he’ll kill us all! Vote for me!”
The best was a letter and add from the ROCKY MOUNTAIN GUN OWNERS. Boy, did they miss their mark. The letter read:
“Dear friend, are you sitting down? What I have to say might shock you…..Your right to self-defense is under a withering attack from your State Representative, Mary Hodge. She consistently puts the rights of criminals ahead of the right of our citizens. “
This continues for about two pages stating that Robert Hadfield (her opponent) loves guns and Jesus.
Now this is normal fear mongering that the Democrats will take your guns lying crap. But, in the same stack heading for the dumpster was another mailer from the “Gun swingers.”

Now, do we need to have a ski mask wearing, gun pointing, black man in the mail? This is way past disgusting. This is the most charged, fearful, hate mongering I’ve seen. This states that if you vote for Mary Hodge, black men will come into your house and KILL YOU.
The joke is on them. I would love for a black man to come to my house. I also went to Mary Hodge for Colorado State Senate website. Yeah, she’s adorable. That and every aspect of her manifesto I completely agree upon. Nowhere can I find anything about her wanting to kill everyone, take their guns to meltdown into an effigy to satan.

Monday, October 20, 2008


I filled up the Jeep over the weekend. That's when I saw the gas had fallen below 3 bucks a gallon. I started to scream and jump up and down like I had just won Lotto.
"Thanks be praised, thanks be praised to the Sir, Mr. Gas God. Yesss Sir. Thanks Sir Gas God."
I feel that my feelings were shared by my surrounding gas station disciples. I could tell because the hoots were deafening. As I pumped my Manna from heaven I realized that I may be suffering from a small case of Stockholm syndrome. The state of mind in which "the hostage" shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger in which they have been placed. But still, I'll take it.

Friday, October 17, 2008

A big THANKS to Michael over at What's a boy to do? for posting this video on You Tube. Now everyone can learn what I spend on Tupperware.

I have been getting these “buy crap from me” E-mails. So, today I responded.


Dear Steven BXXXXXX

Hi, I just wanted to make sure you received my previous e-mail. I have all of the scents for you to sample and smell and some examples of the warmers if you want to see them. Call me or e-mail me if you have any questions or have any trouble ordering. Thanks everyone and happy shopping. Reminder - I want to close the party on the 25th so folks can get their orders in early November. Sometimes popular items get back ordered in November and December due to high demand so get your orders in now! If you aren't interested just let me know and I'll take your name of this e-mail list so you don't get any more reminders. Gracias my friends!

12:00 AM


Don't forget to bring a Friend!



I would like to respond to this E-mail in the kindest way possible. I feel that most people don’t realize that they are, or when they are being insensitive. Offending co-workers is something that peers never set out to do. In this spirit, I would like to clear the air. I like millions of Americans are I have a condition that makes candles and scented items full of stress and worry. I trust to you the fact that yes, I have no nose. I’ve felt the spurn of society my entire life. This is why I have a prosthetic nose for the office. I would like to keep this fact close to my chest, as it where. I would not like this to get out to other office peers. Thank you in advance for your understanding about my lack of response to your October, 14Th Email for your Scentsy party.



Steven – sometimes I can’t tell when you are kidding. Are you kidding?????


I’m very sensitive about my missing orifice. Please, find it in your heart and PLEASE don’t judge me.

Here’s a quote from a support group, American's born without noses (ABWN)

“In this day and age of experimental drugs and incest rates at 50 year highs, more and more people are born without noses. This has made the nose a top selling organ on the international black market, with some noses going for over $70,000 (or about 50 goats in rural countries). "Nose-harvesting" as its called in Uzbekistan is on the rise. In the USA, about 400 noses are harvested each year. Naturally, this has caused some concern among certain celebrities, Gonzo chief among them. Incidentally, Michael Jackson has recently laid off his own bodyguards.

If you didn’t want my E-mails about me selling candles. Just let me know. I don’t have time for your “jokes.”

I’m sorry. I felt that if I approached you with honestly about my affliction you could be a person of trust. I apologize for this burden. I do not want to be a roadblock with you or your smell-enabled co-workers enjoying the office environment.

Thanks for your understanding,


I’m gonna walk over there and smack that nose off your face!!
Stop it! I mean it!

For only pennies a day you can support ABWN to buy more realistic noses for children who have to suffer with cheap, red clown noses.


At this point I did not receive a response E-mail. Later, I got a smack in the head.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I went to Des Moines for this?

We went to explore Des Moines last Saturday before going to Dixie Longate’s Tupperware party. Since we like to blend in and act like the locals everywhere we go Fuzzy decided to dress in a manner that would be appropriate to a Farmers market we were heading out to enjoy. His “I shaved my balls for this?” T-shirt is always a good choice. When we get invited to have Christmas dinner with the Obama’s I’ll be sporting a smart Banana Republic wool V-neck. Fuzz will shake Mrs. Obama’s hand as she stops to read: I SHAVED MY BALLS FOR THIS?
I didn’t marry for gravitas. The hotel was hosting a quilter’s conference last weekend. 100 chubby, Midwestern, Christian white women. I walked through the dining room with only breakfast on my mind. The six of us soon grabbed a table in the middle and I started to shovel hash into my pie hole. I looked up just enough to notice that Michael had just a petite plate of fruit. Since we’re all a bunch of bears it was easy to spot the open table surface in front of Michael were a plate of bacon should have been. As we finished up, a little grey haired woman tiptoed over to our table and slips a quilter’s advertisement card next to Fuzzy. Fuzzy says “how nice, thank you.” And starts to read, then turns it over to read what the table of Christians had written on the back-side.

Next time try Nair.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008


After the long migration across the lands of Nebraska we made our way to vibrant downtown Des Moines, Iowa last Friday. Did you know that Des Moines means “Of the Moines?” We checked in to our lovely and Spacious Luxury Hotel and met up with the adorable Michael Lehet. As a night out in Des Moines we enjoyed beer on the sidewalk in front of Blazing Saddles. Listening to Journey. “Any Way You Want It” never was so apropo. But, drinking beer on a sidewalk with Michael and the rest of the Moes is always fun. I highly recommend it. We get back to the hotel we realize that with all the "jetlag" is was time for bed. I hop into bed as Fuzzy undresses. He moves over to close the drapes. Tugging on the curtains like a mad man.
“They’re traverse rods” I sleepily mumble from my beer slumber.
“They’re traverse rods.”
They are TRAVERSE rods!”
"They are trav…."
“What’s a traverse rod?”
“They…….The drapes are on a traverse rod.”
I roll over, “oh, you’re tugging on the non-closing decorative panels.”
Fuzzy looks up at the window, “Oh, How do the curtains close?”
“They’re traverse rods.”
“They are TRAVERSE rods!”
I get out of bed and use the cord to zip close the drapes.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The Black Death

I came into the office today to run smack into a co-worker yielding a can of Lysol like a Katana.
“Are you sick?” she asked, I inquired if she was referring to my physical, spiritual or mental well being. That in any case Lysol will not help the voices in my head telling me to kill all humans. She informed me that “everyone” was sick and they weren’t going to get her.
“Nice, Howard Hughes.”
“What? Does that old playboy bunny guy not like to get sick? How can he help it with all those blonds around?” She started to explain to me that everyone but her where plague carriers and they she can not get sick.
“I’ve got a car payment.”
She had been going around spraying everything with Lysol. It’s only October and she’s beginning to act like a Lysol wielding Church of England in 1665. I then suggested that we might want to burn their cubicles to the ground in a scorched earth policy to stop the Black Death. She turned on her heels to go get matches. My coffee tastes Lysoly.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Day off after Dixie

God bless Columbus. Yeah, he was a total Bastard,taking all that gold from Sigourney Weaver and all. But, I get today off. After seeing Dixie Longate's show in Des Miones, meeting super cute, and super Blogger Michael I need a day off. The show was amazing of course and we bought 90 bucks of plastic crap. I can't wait for the Tupperware can opener to arrive. We're now on route to pick up the Shar-pei from Grandma's house. I'm sure he had fun, he likes to terrorize Grandma's fluff ball.

Well, happy Columbus day. Maybe you should go impose your will on someone weaker than you. Than just to celebrate, give them a dozen diseases. I gave the Starbucks gay my cold already. Yippy!

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Suddenly, I want to go to Portsmouth. Is Scurvy a STD?

fail owned pwned pictures

This is from

Here's a great NYTimes Pic sent to me from Carl AKA Fat Man Screeming:

This is a Fiat Tagliero gas station built in 1938. It's still standing and part of an architectural show in Asmara.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Another trip to the grocery store with StevieB. I do have some questions about some exciting items I found along the way.

Was Spam so inconvenient with its pull top and its never-ending shelf life that they decided to come up with a “take-a-long” version? “Oh, I love to go with you. But, I just opened up some Spam. Sorry.” Maybe it was all the time it took to dislodge the meat like substance from its tin home.

Did the world need Batter Blaster? Besides, they totally stole the nick-name for my man meat. Pancakes take too long so let’s make a CFC free propelled rocket to shoot out the batter.

If we ever get married, I’m going to give this out instead of rice.

RUN FUZZY!!! It’s more pork loin!!!!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

From Ka to SHO

As you well know, the Paris Auto show going on this week. It appears the concept cars are going into two different directions, Horse power or fuel economy.
The Lamborghini Estoque concept car would be Lamborghini's third model along with the Gallardo and the Murcielago Uber sports cars. Grab your friends its road trip time in the Estoque, a four door. This is a grocery getter that gets 16 miles a gallon for about $175,000. On the opposite end of the spectrum, the diesel-powered Ford Focus gets 55 miles a gallon, and is very cute as Focusususezz go. Now I don’t admit this to my Dodge Ram driving partner, but I have a fondness for Ford. Yes, Mr. Ford was an Anti-Semitic mass-transit killing Bastard, may he burn in Hell. But, my first car was a 68' Mustang and my love grew from there.
Ford premiered a new version of the Ka at the Paris Motor Show. It will be launched in major European markets by early 2009. The Ka is smaller than the Focus, which currently is Ford's only American compact car. Focus sales are up 24 percent and they are in the process of killing a lot of the SUV and truck production to switch over to more Focus’ and launching the Ka in America.

On the other end of Fords lineup, there's a lot of talk about a closely guarded secret. The comeback of the SHO. Just like you, I have been bummed since Ford killed the Taurus SHO in 1999. Nothing filled the void left by this V8 monster, made by Yamaha. I was excited when the Taurus message boards started buzzing about the 2010 Taurus SHO.
You can read more at:

But will Ford build it? Who knows, I’d buy it. And, after all of my friends stopped laughing that I bought a Taurus, I’d take them for a drive with 0-60 in 4.0
Speaking of me and Ford Taurus. Here's a pic from our last trip to Dallas:

Saturday, October 4, 2008

Carl, Will and I are on Pearl st. Today, I guess CU is playing Texas. There's a sea of longhorn orange shirts mixing with buff gold. Have to say it's been awhile since I've been around the old orange. "hook em horns"

Boulder Co.

Uploaded by

Friday, October 3, 2008

It's StevieB's new Cubie! Note the mug and gym bag at the ready.


Next Friday we’re off to Des Moines, Iowa to see Dixie Longate. I’ve been reading up on gay Des Moines: the center of the Heartland. I wanted to get ready for all the clubs and hot spots. The top of the list is BLAZING SADDLE, a leather/levis bar. Friday the 10th is “Martini Madness.” Then there’s IMPULSE formerly known as The Frathouse. “Where the techno music draws you in” Wow, This would the best place to wear my new Express for men shiny, semi-sheer shirt.

We’re staying at the Historical Hotel Fort Des Moines. This is where guests such as Richard Nixon, and Mae West stayed. Most likely not together, although Mae West was a huge fag hag and Nixon was a closeted gay. The hotel is centrally located so we can walk to Dixie’s show and to other great down town attractions. Since we’ll be completing a 10 hour minivan trip with 6 fags, we’ll need to wander around. A great part of the whole road trip is that we’ll get to meet Michael Lehet from the blog, Are You Sure You Want To Know. Who foolishly agreed to come see Dixie Longate. There’s nothing better than when gay bloggers meet. There is still time, hit me up if ya want to join us.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

I just drove thru Taco Bell. As I handed my credit card I was asked"don't you ever get tired of Taco Bell?" Did the Taco Bell lady just say I eat to much Taco Bell?

Sarah Palin

I found this video of Sara Palin. There hasn't been much said about her "media career." They've glossed over so much of her life. So I was happy to stumble upon this. I’m not sure of the date on this, but judging on her hair it must be from back in the 90s. Take a look and tell me what you think.

Now you know when they talk about her "foreign policy" experience, you know what they're talking about. God is foreign.

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Beware the Aberzombies

It happened again. A shirt appeared in the closet that neither of us own.
Going into the closet this morning I found, hanging on my nice and organized wood hanger side was a strange shirt. The rest of my polo’s were looking at me like “Uh…we don’t know him.” So, since it was hanging there tiring to blend in like Bea Arthur at a felcher’s convention. I quickly started to take it off my nice expensive Crate and Barrel wood hanger and return it to Fuzz’s Wal-Mart plastic hanger side.
Fuzzy stepped in and quickly declared.
“That’s not my shirt.”
“Well, it’s not mine.”
“Yes it is, or it belongs to your other boyfriend.“
“First, I would never sleep with a guy who would wear an Express for men, semi-sheer, sparkly blue stretch shirt. Second, it’s nice to know that if I did sleep with guys who wore Express for men, semi-sheer, sparkly blue stretch shirts. And if he left his shirt in the hamper, we have the type of relationship that you would launder his shirt, and hang it up so it wouldn’t get wrinkled. Not that you can wrinkle Express for men, semi-sheer sparkly blue stretch shirts.
Fuzzy, stopped to think then said “Hey, yet you automatically assume that this was my Express for men, semi-sheer, sparkly blue stretch shirt.
”I have never seen this shirt before in my life.”
We debated for the remainder of the morning on whose shirt it was, or how a 20 year old, glow stick swinging gay got into our house. At one point I had to remind Fuzzy about the back40 of his closet “the Structure zone” filled with wacky ties, banded collar and yes, shiny shirts. He insinuated that when he’s not around I pick up Aberzombies, just to steal their clothes. As I dropped him off this morning he kissed me goodbye and as he walked up the steps to work I hollered “…and keep your sluty bar wear off my nice wood hangers!!”