Friday, October 17, 2008

I have been getting these “buy crap from me” E-mails. So, today I responded.

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Dear Steven BXXXXXX

Hi, I just wanted to make sure you received my previous e-mail. I have all of the scents for you to sample and smell and some examples of the warmers if you want to see them. Call me or e-mail me if you have any questions or have any trouble ordering. Thanks everyone and happy shopping. Reminder - I want to close the party on the 25th so folks can get their orders in early November. Sometimes popular items get back ordered in November and December due to high demand so get your orders in now! If you aren't interested just let me know and I'll take your name of this e-mail list so you don't get any more reminders. Gracias my friends!

10/18/2008
12:00 AM

(970)XXX-XXXX
online
FORT COLLINS, CO 80526
US

Don't forget to bring a Friend!

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Dear, XXXXXXX

I would like to respond to this E-mail in the kindest way possible. I feel that most people don’t realize that they are, or when they are being insensitive. Offending co-workers is something that peers never set out to do. In this spirit, I would like to clear the air. I like millions of Americans are I have a condition that makes candles and scented items full of stress and worry. I trust to you the fact that yes, I have no nose. I’ve felt the spurn of society my entire life. This is why I have a prosthetic nose for the office. I would like to keep this fact close to my chest, as it where. I would not like this to get out to other office peers. Thank you in advance for your understanding about my lack of response to your October, 14Th Email for your Scentsy party.


Steven

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Steven – sometimes I can’t tell when you are kidding. Are you kidding?????


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I’m very sensitive about my missing orifice. Please, find it in your heart and PLEASE don’t judge me.

Here’s a quote from a support group, American's born without noses (ABWN)

“In this day and age of experimental drugs and incest rates at 50 year highs, more and more people are born without noses. This has made the nose a top selling organ on the international black market, with some noses going for over $70,000 (or about 50 goats in rural countries). "Nose-harvesting" as its called in Uzbekistan is on the rise. In the USA, about 400 noses are harvested each year. Naturally, this has caused some concern among certain celebrities, Gonzo chief among them. Incidentally, Michael Jackson has recently laid off his own bodyguards.

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Steven,
If you didn’t want my E-mails about me selling candles. Just let me know. I don’t have time for your “jokes.”
XXXXXX
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Dear XXXXX,
I’m sorry. I felt that if I approached you with honestly about my affliction you could be a person of trust. I apologize for this burden. I do not want to be a roadblock with you or your smell-enabled co-workers enjoying the office environment.

Thanks for your understanding,
Steven

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I’m gonna walk over there and smack that nose off your face!!
Stop it! I mean it!
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Dear XXXXX,
For only pennies a day you can support ABWN to buy more realistic noses for children who have to suffer with cheap, red clown noses.

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At this point I did not receive a response E-mail. Later, I got a smack in the head.

4 comments:

Gooster said...

Too funny! You are lucky that your nose is the only appendage that is missing! ;-)

Freddyeyes said...

Oh My Eff! Dude I had to read this aloud to the other 911 dispatchers! that's awesome! So well done! I love it! And lojng live charities like ABWN!

Smell THISSSSSS!

Dead Robot said...

I love finding missing orifices.

erik said...

How do you pronounce "BXXXXXX" ?