Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Bubble butt

Fuzz getting ready to ring in the new year. Bubble butt style.

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Resolutions 2009

It’s resolution time again. The good thing about having a blog is that it helps me remember all the stupid shit I’ve done in the past. To see what idiotic things I resolved to abide by for 2008 I just looked back to January. Remember January? I was only twenty days from going on an Atlantis cruise, had a job that I despised, and Alicia Keys topped the charts with No One.

Here’s my 2008 list:
1. Have a Breakfast Burrito Supreme at Pete’s Kitchen.
2. Stop making fun of guys at the gym that are wearing MC Hammer pants.
3. When I leave the first drive up window but yet have not arrived at the second drive up window to stop looking down at my cup holder and panicking that I did not get my Diet Coke and cussing that the Bas-tards forgot to give me my Diet Coke. Due to the fact that it is in fact always waiting for me at the second window.
4. Stop telling Child Molester jokes to Frank.
5. Upon seeing much more muscular guys stop thinking “Well I’ve got a much better sense of style and a much bigger cock.” It's true but really.




And here’s how it worked out:
1. Had a Pete’s Kitchen Burrito about once a week. Now, I’m bloated.
2. I’m sorry this was impossible. They're so easy to mock.
3. I stuck to this one! I now have faith in the fast food gods. Power be to the fast food gods. Forever and ever. Amen.
4. This one stuck as well, only due to Frank continually jabbing me with his lit cigarette. But, here’s one for you:
A child molester and a little boy walk into a dark forest. The boy starts to shiver. “This is scary, I don’t like this!” the Child molester turns to the boy and says “How do you think I feel? I’ve got to walk out of here alone!”
5. Wow, get her! Ego much?




Let’s focus on 2009. Here’s the train wreck for the future.

1. Yet again to have many Breakfast Burrito Supremes at Pete’s Kitchen.
2. Look at guys above the belt line in the bar.
3. Maybe buy some damn music once in awhile instead of waiting for Brent to make the rounds with his Zip drive.
4. Uh, maybe lose ten pounds? This may interfere with number one.
5. Get my groove back.



I think that these 5 resolutions will get me through 2009, and my life as it has been lived with dignity will remain in full contact.

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

PAPI

Okay, so as you know I’m a big fan of Big Muscle and Big Muscle Bear.com. Web sites devoted to gay muscle and fur. Mostly these are used as hook up sites. Me, it’s free porn…...and giggling at the dated d√©cor behind them, but that’s a different story.
I’ve also found it a great way to keep in touch with some buddies around the globe. My profile pictures(by the way) are pretty bad and apparently dated; I take a very bad picture. And by that I mean holding the IPhone up to the bathroom mirror.

How come most guys look hot doing this but I always end up looking like Marian the Librarian in a tight T?

Today I got a hit I’d like to share with you. Now, it’s clear that English is not his first language and I by no means fault him for this. I don’t have a grasp of the language so why would I ask anyone else. He was pretty hot and then I read:

“damn papi love ur looks seems that u were leanner and more cut before / same here i was super cut butnow im an ex jock i think u are super hot love ur thick body”

Did he just call me fat?

Now clearly el hermoso nino wants to ride on papi, but seriously. I was lean and more cut? What an opener. I guess this goes back to me turning Thirty-seven in January, I think I need to work on transitioning to the Papi stage of my life. Embracing the Daddyness of gaydom, the silvered hair, furry chest, and muscle bear stage. But more cut?

I….I….I’m going to the gym.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Starbucks

Just for a second try to look past my dashing love. The guy sitting behind us at Starbucks is reading a supply catalog for moving equipment. Who knew there was an entire catalog for moving tools?that, and someone could sit at coffee reading it.

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WRAP UP

How was the holiday for ya? Ours went pretty well. I had been mopey since last Monday when thanks to the Jeep sucking my wallet dry I couldn’t buy some prezies I wanted for Fuzzy. Not to mention that we where going to get a new flat screen TV. But, either the love of my life wanted to treat me, or he was tired of my whining, On Christmas morn I found a huge TV box in the living room. WAY TO GO FUZZ!

I shared the Christmas Eve pictures from Carl and Will’s house. To follow this up I have to say that dinner was amazing. Carl served six-hour pork loin. We were lucking to see Jerrod later in the evening after he got off of work. This was after my forth glass of wine, so I’m sure we had a great time.

At the last minute we decided to make an appearance at Fuzzy’s families house on Christmas day. Now, I’m generally anti-family but he seemed excited, so we went. It was actually really fun.

On Friday Morning we had the tree down by 11AM. Christmas was over so out went the tree. This had nothing to do with the flat screen TV box sitting in the middle of the living room. Nope. We where both hung-over but hauling the 12’ tree to the dumpster was very cathartic. This gave us an excuse to rearrange the living room. It was around this time when I reminded him of our holiday party. Apparently when our friends John and Joe arrived they mentioned that the last time they where there, there was a diamond plate truck toolbox being used as a coffee table. To which Fuz responded, “Yeah, the wife is domesticating me.” Normally, he would of gotten a slug in the arm. But I’m still in my TV coma.

Friday, December 26, 2008

BOXING DAY

Happy Boxing day! This is the day where gay men shore up the junk with cock-rings or rawhide and cruise around the streets showing off their boxes. Everything I know about Boxing day I learned from Are You Being Served but I'm sure it's correct.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Happy Christmas

Aaah, the Christmas morning hangover. Starting at age sixteen Christmas morn would find me clutching my hands to my head. Being raised on a Quarterhorse ranch close to the Colorado Mountains and being rural ranchers there really wasn’t much to do but ride horses and drink. Now, I find it easier just to drink. Fa-la-la-la-la.
Fuzzy and I are off to eat way to much over at Frank’s and have the annual gift exchange. This might get ugly.

Let’s have a YouTube flick about the London Blitzkrieg. It’s kinda like my head.



Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Fuzzy in the mood.

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Carl and Will are going all out for Christmas Eve dinner's "tablescape"
Pretty, and high gay.

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Carl's getting all gay for Christmas.

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CHRISTMAS JEEP

Well, we made it. It's Christmas Eve. By the time you read this I most likely will have about a bottle of Shiraz in me. I found a LOLcat that sums up my day...



I'm the cat in the back. You, dear reader are the cat in the foreground.
Isn't symbolism fun?

So I'm sure you're asking yourself, what is Steve getting for Christmas? Well, I'll tell you. One thousand, two hundred bucks of automotive repairs. Yes! That's right the Jeep nearly dropped its transmission. Three days before Christmas. I'm very excited! Yippee! As I handed my credit card over to the Aamco counter clerk, the dreams of the flat screen and Bose speakers shattered above my head, hence the Shiraz. But, did the Whos down in Whoville get down when their Jeep Wranglers left them stranded. No! They all got rip-roaring drunk and stood naked in the town square belting out off-key Christmas carols. So, just call me StevieLou Who.

So let's have something from You Tube that's Christmasy and Super duper gay to not think of my credit card...

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

THIRTY-SEVEN

At the end of January I’ll be thirty-seven. I’m not the first, nor the last to talk about the stigma around the years spent on the planet, especially “gay years.” I do however find myself with no concept of age. I’ve dated the guys across the spectrum. Being close to thirty-seven the only thing I know it that I’m thankful that I don’t have the credit score of my twenties. The other day I uttered the phrase “They were old, around 40” around friends. The stigma that “old” somehow means insulting came across some faces. Simply taken into a positive light this could very well mean intelligent, or “all the shit you had to deal with to get you to this point has made you a better person and thank God you don’t have to deal with the crap that someone in there early thirties has to yet do.”

It just goes to show that you choose what you want in life. Either, Choose fear of getting old as you are losing something, or you can sit back and enjoy the ride. And, mock the twenty year old twinks that think they have like figured out. That’s fun too.


[Jesus! When did Steve get all touchy-feely?]

Monday, December 22, 2008

DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

We're just a couple days away from the big day. By that I mean the Doctor Who Christmas special. I know! I'm excited too!
*NERD ALERT*
WHOOP...WHOOP!





Seeing that BBC America or SCIFI won't, or can't show the episode airing Christmas day in The Mother Land, we're gonna have to wait until some nice Brit uploads it onto Youtube. Nice Brit... Thank you!

Friday, December 19, 2008

I HEAR LESBIANS

I've noticed that the herd of Lesbians (I've heard of Lesbians)that I work with had started to call me Tony. At first I paid no attention, then assumed it was because “all men look alike.” But after awhile I noticed they would say “Hi tony!” Snicker, snicker.
“OK, why are y’all calling me Tony?”
I was told it’s because every time someone at work asks me how I’m doing I respond,
“I’m Gggggggreat!!!!!!”

Hence, Tony. As in Tony the Tiger. Lesbians are so witty.
Yeah! Hence.


I was asked by the head lesbian if I could help put up “holiday" decorations. Not Christmas, holiday. Happy bunnies and snowmen, we refer to them as Snow people.”

As I stood to hang a gender neutral snow person. I slipped and ended up jumping onto her desk. She asked if I was okay and I responded,
“Sorry, but what do you expect I’ve got this big head and these little arms!
Get it?
Tiny the Dinosaur?
No?
He’s a Dinosaur?
T-rex, with little arms?
A big head?
Raaaaarrow?
Tiny arms........no?

Raaaaaarow.....



I then just quietly walked back to my cube.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

HAMBURGER MARY'S

Seeing that the only real thing I do at work is wander around on the interwebs you’d think I be more of astute in social gravitas. You’re wrong buster. So very wrong. To keep up on the gay community I keep to several true sources of hyper-gayness. Now of course there’s Towleroad and Connexions, but also podcasts such as Feast of Fools. But in this era of “New media” I also like to keep up with our trusted old gay newspapers such as Out Front Colorado. But, I’m not a cave man, or 45 so I use the on line edition. This is where I found “Open letters” to our local hangout Hamburger Mary’s.

Hamburger Mary’s is like an old trick's house. You’ve been going for a while; you know you’ll get some. But all the baggage and drama makes you shutter at the door. I’ve decided to post two letters from Out Front Colorado.

Hamburger Mary's - Not so Mary
Hamburger Mary's, I love you.... The food is great, the drinks are awesome, and the atmosphere is very entertaining BUT the service often times SUCKS. Yeah, I said it "SUCKS". The guy and lady who run the place always walk around like they have a major chip on their shoulder. Not all of the wait staff and bartenders SUCK but often times their customer services is embarrassing. My buddies and I tip very well, we are nice, and not demanding at all. I waited tables when I was in college so I get that there are bad days but the same people giving bad service all the time. I love going to Hamburger Mary's because of the food, drinks and atmosphere but why can't the service be just as good. The sad thing is that the management is just as bad, WTF. If you have ever gone to Hamburger Mary's I am sure you know what I am talking about.

I agree, Hamburger Mary's, NOT so Mary
My friends and I went to Hamburger Mary's for their brunch. My friends were hesitant to go but I insisted, BIG MISTAKE!!! We order and the waitress made a few recommendations on our order which we thought was very cool. When the person brought our order to us it was NOT what we order. So get this, it took them 3 times to run our order and they still did not get it right, LoL. The waitress was very apologetic and we were still cool with her because we wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. She leaves to go on what seemed like a break and then she realizes she had us setting there with no silverware. Of course we were smart enough to ask someone else for the silverware. She must have been feeling guilty because she sent one of the waiters over to try and make things cool, his response, and I am being serious (no joke), "come on guys it's not like you come to Mary's for the service" and he laughed. Well so much for their tag line of "Eat, Drink, and be Mary" because my friend and I are usually not feeling "Mary" when we leave the F@!ken place. What I usually see is a bunch of fairy's being not so Mary so I guess if they are going to give that kind of service they should change their tag line to "Eat, Drink, and be not so Mary". At least then they will be practicing what they preach.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

I'm thinking Oscar!!

The dialog in this short film is so...fresh. It's effervescent. The driving delivery makes me think of The Grapes of Wrath. Or, The Eyes of Laura Mars when she figures out that Tommy Lee Jones is coming after her and she runs back to her bedroom for the gun, but trips on her deep burgundy shag carpet. God that was scary! I believe that the quick-witted dialog is what draws me back to this jewel again and again.

*SFW*

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

DGMC and Ron Moore

I went to the Denver Gay Men’s Choir concert last weekend. This is part of my master plan to do “all things Christmassy” if it’s festive and gay, I want to be there. It’s my plan to not miss anything this season. It’s also my plan to drag my friends kicking and screaming along for the sleigh ride.

The concert was good. The scenery was the best part, snow covered trees everywhere.
(I hope you just didn’t miss the subtlety of that comment.)

Chrissy and I played “find the toupee.” We search the 70 gays looking for the dead cat splayed upon heads. We found three. If you’ve ever been to one of these you’ll know that this is the most entertainment you might get. That is if you're ill-cultured and haven’t an attention span, like me.

In the program was the ubiquities list of troubadours. On the adjacent page were the DGMC angles. This is where they list every member that has past. Skimming this list I was struck with one name. Ron Moore. It hit like a ton of bricks slammed against my brain. He’s been dead for more then ten years, but still it cut like yesterday. Ron Moore and I dated eons ago, yet every day with him rushed back as I sat there in my pew. Ron was International Mr. Leather in 1984, but we happen well after his reign. Isn’t it funny if you let your mind wander and start thinking of all the guys we’ve lost during the siege. What if they just weren’t ripped away from us? How would the community look in 2009?

I know, sorry. Thinking this way will drive you crazy. But, in a way this is why I’m running around not wanting to miss any holiday sparkle. Because I can.

Monday, December 15, 2008

ITunes

Deciding I needed more music I logged in to the Itunes music store. "Must have more music,” the little voice drowning out any other thoughts. It was then that a misplaced click landed me down on the rubble pile. You know it, the very bottom of your ITunes. The place where your bottom dwelling no lable music swarms around. The ally mutts of imported music. I'm pretty sure I come home drunk; burnt CDs of mixed music in my pocket like most guys have trick cards. Late at night on this drinking stupor, I import this pirate’s tonnage and throw away any evidence along with the Taco Bell.

This is the story I've concocted to understand how all this unlabeled tracks got onto my Itunes, that or I’ve been really lazy lately. I had twenty-three “Track 1” songs with no discernible traits other then the shuffle trying to play them with out album art.

This is where the IPhone once again paid for its self. Shazam is a down loadable app that listens to your tunes and gives you a label of song, artist, and album. Now I know that I have three remakes of Expos√©’s Let me be the one or, seriously 174 Madonna tracks. Does anyone need that much Madonna? I think yes.

So, I feel I’m doing my part in the recession. Instead of buying new songs I’m rediscovering songs I already have. I’m so green.

Saturday, December 13, 2008

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

THERE!!!!!
NOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN IT IN MY BLOG YOU DO NOT
NEED TO E-MAIL THIS TO ME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!


How many times have you received this one?

Friday, December 12, 2008

HOLIDAY STRESS

So, bored at work I decided to take care of some loose ends. I’ve been paying a rental fee of nine bucks for a wireless DSL box I got eight months ago from Qwest. I tried to use this DSL box but it did not play well with our Macs, Airtunes and all the other Mac toys in the house. I ended up with a Mac Airport.

The “rental fee” has clicked away at nine bucks every month since then. “It ends here” I thought. After the recorded jerk sent me through a dozen happy menus I got Nina. Poor Nina. She has to drive six hours after her shift ends at Qwest to take pie to her family’s house for Christmas, just to turn around and drive back so she can work the next day. She then proceeded to tell me that her handed down family recipe was for a “No-bake pumpkin pie” Uh, Eww. Suddenly, we’re friends enough to know the no-bake pumpkin pie recipe. NO! I don’t want your secret family recipe! Unlike you and your trailer, I’ve made career choices that allow me not only a stove but the free time to actually cook things.
Well……. that’s what I would say… if I didn’t need my DSL box turned in for a credit, and if I were a jerk.
When you point out people’s career choices that pretty much ends the possibility of getting pie recipes. Just so you know.
After being on hold long enough to rethink that maybe I did want no-bake pumpkin pie, or NBPP. She was pretty much all business at the point she returned to the line. She authorized the return of the DSL box. But, then asked why the name on the DSL was F____ _____ (Fuzzy’s full name.) Our whole relationship changed.
“Because he’s my life partner and I got him DSL as a wedding present because this is what we do when we can’t legally get married.”
*stunned silence*
I can tell she was thinking, “I nearly gave my famous family recipe to a self-professed H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L?! Can you imagine what Momma would think?”

I heard a LillianVernon catteelog drop. I stammered something, thanked her for her time and slammed down the phone. Wow. I might have some displaced holiday stress I might want to deal with.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

WINTER WONDERLAND

We finally got the tree up. You don’t realize how much work this is each year until you find yourself dragging six storage tubs out of the garage. We have four, yes four artificial Christmas trees. One Chrome, one Silver, and two green. I guess that’s why we were driving around town for the perfect “fresh cut” tree. One lot was like a tree maze run by a (I’m sure) pedophile just out of a detention facility. The trees had a creepy abused look to them. And when you are searching for a green symbol of Christ’s birth, a creepy pedophile tree does not do it.

This is when the straight guy Steve comes out. Fuzzy looks at me and says,
“Uh….we don’t need a 12’ tree, by any means.”
“Yes, in these crazy times” I joyfully retort. “We definitely, without a doubt need a 12’ tree! We’re in a recession. We need to pay $123 bucks for something that will be dead in 3 weeks!” It keeps the economy running. Our duel income, no kids home will be the engine to get America humming again, Barack wants us to buy this tree!”

Sometimes if I throw enough “word vomit” at Fuzz he gives in. So we brought home our 12’ Christmas tree. Then, we spent the next six hours decorating this monster. I then sat Mr. blow up snowman on the front porch.

Have you seen the inflatable, glowing Christmas crap that everyone displays on their front lawns? Big billowing snowmen, elves, and happy penguins.

WHAT THE FUCK DO PENGUINS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!??!?!!?

At night it’s quite a cute little scene. A winter wonder land all blown up and bopping around to the forced air whooshing up their butts. But, during the day it’s another story. Driving through any upscale neighborhood it's a reenactment of Jim Jones goes to Christmas town. Dead, flat elves and snow people scatter the lawns like a mass suicide cult hit the North Pole. A massacre of merriment. One half-inflated penguin dragging its self off the lawn coughing out
“Don’t drink the Kristmas Kool-aide……..and I only live in Antarctica and parts of South America why am I even here?! Aaaaaaaaaghh!”

I feel bad for their ignorant cult joining asses as I drive by.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

NEW LIFE CHURCH 1 year later

The Denver Local news is filled this week with the one year anniversary of the shootings at New Life Church. So I thought I’d remember Matthew Murray and the truth.
See New Life Church from 12/14/2007

After one year there is still not a peep about the true cause of these events.
See what happens when you suppress and crush gay youth.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

December's list

We went to the Denver Parade of lights last Friday. We thought it to be cold, really freaking cold. So, we layered up, thermals and flannels, layer upon layer. By the time we got down to the City County building I had worked up such a sweat I wanted to strip right there on Colfax. Damn global warming!
The parade was actually quite cute. Bands, balloons, and floats waddled by. It also seemed that every “dance studio” in Denver drug their clod hopping chubettes down the street in angle wings.

This really was a great time. Six gay men, one straight guy and a 2 year old. We stood out, but damn everyone loves a parade. Here’s a bad IPhone pic
.

At the beginning of November I sent out a mass email laying out suggestions for every free moment in December. Now we’re down two, The Parade of lights and Fuzzy’s holiday concert which happened on Saturday. The highlight of that was when my IPhone started playing Colton Ford at full volume. Now we just have to trim the tree, make cookies, go to the Denver Gay men’s choirs (kicking and screaming) Zoo Lights and about a dozen other Christmas “festivities.” Man, is it January yet.

Monday, December 8, 2008

THE SNUGGIE

Have you seen the commercials for The Snuggie?




It's a blanket with sleeves. Wow, finally a solution to the dreaded blanket conundrum hitting America. Un-employment hits highs only attained under Ronald Reagan and yet our real problem of blankets not covering our bloated frames is solved.

I’m a junkie for infomercials. This stems from spending late night hours on the couch after coming home from the bath house to cram Taco Bell down my sad burrito supreme hole. I believe this is from hours on the couch as a kid watching the Ronco record cleaner. God, I wanted one of those!
As you can tell, when I see a great consumer insulting ad campaign, I’m hooked.
“Why yes, I have been searching my whole life for the amazing wonder mop!”

But as I picked up my credit card to order I stopped and thought "I've seen this somewhere before?" Then it hit me.
The 1976 movie Logan’s run.























Apparently you can spend $19.95 to look like you’re ready for Lastday. My favorite line,
Logan:
"You don't have to die! No one has to die at 30! You could live! LIVE! Live, and grow old! I've seen it!"
So, I'm six years late for Lastday? Damn, where does the time go.



Take a look at the last couple of seconds of this clip........

To quote Dixie Longate
"Oh, my ass is on fire!"

Friday, December 5, 2008

CRAIGSLIST

Two new Craig's list “missed connections”

Sexy Beast and the Black Hoodie - m4m (Mary's/Club M)
It was the night before THANKSGIVING . . .
It is quite sad that we should have to meet like this. I mean, we were ONLY ten feet away! Sure, all of that booty shakin' was makin' me sweat (hence the reason I put my BLACK, size SMALL, STUSSY hoodie on the chair with my scarf) But seriously, you could have just walked up and said, "Hey - NICE MOVES!" Instead you were a coward and moved in on my hoodie . . . Which had my RED SAMSUNG PHONE in the pocket! I do want to thank you for leaving the scarf though. It really kept me warm beneath my damp T-Shirt as I walked home that night - ALONE. Perhaps we could have walked home together? Guess now neither of us will ever know. If anyone knows the THIEVING MO-FO please tell him I desperately need my phone back! Keep the hoodie (with the buttons of a Monkey eating a banana & the Cow holding a gat - though they were my fav's) and please return the phone to Mary's -NO QUESTIONS ASKED.




Now, is this passive aggressiveness gone bitchy? Or did the guy like the creepy clepto? Is it just me or could you just picture the sad little Latino boy walking home alone, in the cold with only his sad scarf to keep him happy on Thanksgiving day. He needs a Snuggie.


Family Dollar on Broadway - m4m - 30
You checked me out today at Family Dollar - I was buying Christmas decorations for my office - my two crazy female assistants were with me - your name tag said "Fernando" you were cute, young, and hispanice. I was wearing a black sweater and black slacks... I would love to get you alone when things and people arent so crazy and get to know you... hope you find this!



Hi, I shop at the Family Dollar. I would like to tell everyone that I pickup guys who work at the Family Dollar. If this doesn’t work out, I’m going cruising at the DMV.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Randomness

All the boys met at Pappadeaux Restaurant for lunch. Kind of the last time over stuffing on seafood before Dalton heads back to New York. I got stuck in the cubical. Eating this.....



Square California rolls. Never buy sushi out of the back of a truck. Since I’ve eaten every two hours since last Thursday, I need to lose some weight.
----------------------------------------------


Last Friday Denver lit up the lights at City hall.....


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I think I hate Facebook.

Every time I log on there's another hot picture of hot Steve Meis.




He's a guy I "sort of" dated before Dalton when I lived in Dallas. He just gets hotter and hotter. You think back and wonder what did ya do to screw that up?

----------------------------------------------


Look!
Fuzzy found "elegant" glassware at the Kroger.


----------------------------------------------

Now, how about some Bagdad Cafe?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

SORORITY GIRLS FROM HELL

As we sat around this holiday weekend the friends talked about the usual girl talk. Eventually the subject turned to how we spent our twenties. Or, wasted our twenties. Most of us stood around bars and tried to get laid. I spent most of this time at “Surf City” a beach themed bar with surf boards and fake nets everywhere. If I wasn’t there I was burning up the dance floor at The Metro. You’d find me wearing Guess jeans with a braided belt and sporting an over sized dress shirt, with a Structure tie. Now I know, I resembled a Cracker Barrel waiter, but then I was smooth and cool.

Standing around The Metro in my over sized braided belt hanging down my left thigh I would suck down Zimas and stare blankly at the video wall. Waiting for Sorority Girls From Hell to play. This video phenomenon was shared with most everyone sitting around the Thanksgiving table.
I thought I’d share it again with you. Just imagine you’re wearing a Chess King jacket and pants with two belts.



Tuesday, December 2, 2008

1987 was a very fine year

Having some extra time on my hands last weekend, I decided to go through some boxes of old photos. That's when I ran across this "amazing" memory from 1987. I'm on the left. This was taken after a trip to Gilley's in Houston, Texas. Yes, a family trip to the honky-tonk where they filmed Urban Cowboy. Classy. Could you tell I was going to grow up to be a HUGE fag? I worked over that hair for hours. It goes so well with my color block shirt. I guess I was getting ready for my career in Sears active wear modeling. I think I was screaming "HEY BITCHES!"

Monday, December 1, 2008

MY CHRISTMAS SWEATER

I don’t really talk about it in my Blog, for obvious reasons. But, my right arm is two feet longer than my left. Please don’t judge. So, being built like a sideshow freak can sometimes makes it hard to find quality cashmere sweaters. On the big shopping day last Friday I was excited to find a new store at the mall. Freaks “R” us. Finally I can find high quality, low priced fine cashmere.

Now I can go to the fabulous Christmas parties and fit in with the rest of the gays. I’m giggly inside just thinking about it. I picked out a fine grey V-neck I found a mannequin wearing. I took a picture to share with you.



I’m going to be the sharpest looking gay at the Christmas brunch.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Bag claim

Waiting at baggage claim. Dalton just said "I gotta pee, get my bag it's black with a tag."
There are now 400 bags I need to claim.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

<



Wednesday, November 26, 2008

HARVEY MILK

Today I stumbled upon this quote. So, I just rudely lifted this directly from Heroes n Hunks.com; this is where I get my daily comic book fix.

"Somewhere in Des Moines or San Antonio there is a young gay person who all the sudden realizes that he or she is gay; knows that if their parents find out they will be tossed out of the house, their classmates will taunt the child, and the Anita Bryant’s and John Briggs’ are doing their part on TV. And that child has several options: staying in the closet, and suicide. And then one day that child might open the paper that says “Homosexual elected in San Francisco” and there are two new options: the option is to go to California, or stay in San Antonio and fight. Two days after I was elected I got a phone call and the voice was quite young. It was from Altoona, Pennsylvania. And the person said “Thanks”. And you’ve got to elect gay people, so that thousands upon thousands like that child know that there is hope for a better world; there is hope for a better tomorrow. Without hope, not only gays, but those who are blacks, the Asians, the disabled, the seniors, the us’s: without hope the us’s give up. I know that you can’t live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And you, and you, and you, and you have got to give them hope."

-Harvey Milk, 1978

In 1987 I found an article at the library. It was about the life of Harvey Milk. Up until I found this magazine, I really thought I was the only gay person on the planet. Reading this passage saved my life. Seriously, saved my life.
This is really what Thanksgiving is about.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008



It's BFFCarl cat.

SHOP TILL YA DROP

Captain Fuzz dragged me shopping again. We spent way to much time looking for the "perfect steak." The man knows his beef. That's why he chose me. Funny, they had all of these Angus beef steak stickers everywhere.



Hours... hours he walked around like this.

Monday, November 24, 2008

The call

Every year I get the call. So why this year I was blind sited, no clue. The IPhone started ringing Basshunter, I picked up and it was Mom. Damn! It was her twice yearly call to get me to come home. To have a nice Mormon Thanksgiving.

The Mom used every trick to have me join the passive-aggressive clan. It would of worked but fear is an amazing motivator. In mere seconds I spun a web of deceit, of an utter amazing lock tight alibi. Whooo.. that was a close one, a lie will set you free. Apparently I’m feeding children or releasing wolves back into the wild or feeding children to wolves. I said it was quick, not good. Yes, I lied to my mom. But this is after years of having the conversations and arguments about this topic. About my life, asking then demanding respect for my partners and myself. This really has not helped more then getting me hoarse. In the end I make a choice. Do I fight against their belief that if I show up, open my mouth around their kids they will be somehow turned septic? Or….. just say “No thank you.”
Chicken shit? Yeah. But so is, "Steve can come, but someone needs to tell him not to bring any of those friends."

I’ll be joining my real family for a great Turkey day over at Frank and Kevin’s. Family is not what is thrust upon you, as much as the family you create.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Friday, November 21, 2008

The League Of Lesbians

The Lesbians are swarming today. This time it’s about fact that they’re going to die due to co-workers with the sniffles, and winter, and… well pretty much everything today.
The temperature dropped in Denver last night, so imagine that ice formed on the steps outside. The Vegan “almost died” by slipping in her sensible shoes. They huddled together talking about how it was probably a man that chose to not put salt on the icy sidewalk. She then moved on to winter, and how it’s dried out her skin so much that she keeps needing to slather her pasty skin with lotion. Reminding me of Cassandra O'Brien Dot Delta Seventeen.

Meanwhile the Lesbian Lysol Lecture continues on how Lysol must be reapplied like straight girls reapply lipstick. If not, we’re all going to get the flu. “Why wouldn’t you get a flu shot Steve?”
I was asked yesterday, like I had drug a dead cat into the office to use as a Rolodex.
“If not to keep yourself healthy, than your office mates.”
Wow, who knew I was putting the league of lesbians at risk for the rhinovirus? She cocked her head and walked away as I responded that I was immortal, and human illness cannot pass through my metal skin. If ya don’t have an answer, confuse the hell out of them. That’s what I always say.

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Thanksgiving is only a week away! Yippy! Damn, I love Turkey Day. My favorite part is getting up early and running to the TV and turning on Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. To sit in front of the tube, in my underwear with a bowl of Capt’n Crunch watching the parade march through Harold Square. This is a major source of happiness that gets me through the years.
Now, I would like to share this with someone. But, the excitement of the parade seems not to be shared with that many people. In years past, Dalton my Ex, would encourage me to act like a kid and watch but did not, however need a play by play description retold to him every five minutes. Fuzzy now just suggests that I should shove “the parade” where my Broadway meets my 34th street.

Still, every year I sit on the rug. Watching the piped in music, the lip-syncing B-list celebrates and the badly re-envisioned children’s cartoons I’ve never heard of. This is what makes this day special for me. To recall every year I’ve sat down and looked at the Macy’s department store be used as a backdrop for a timeless piece of our lives. Even when Dalton took me to Macy’s and brought me out of the entryway into Harold’s Square and I saw just a dirty traffic filled street. For me this bit of a morning holds all the magic in the world.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

I saw this on Towleroad just now.
Sadly, it made my day.

GYM UPDATE

A couple of things happened at the gym as of late. the first being that I was spotting Fuzzy on bench press when I noticed that via the mirrors a guy was cruising me hard. Cool! I thought, then as I realized that his smirk wasn’t a “hey, you’re hot “smirk but an “I think that special needs child just wet himself” smirk. “Uh, what’s going on?” Started to wandered across my tiny, misshapen brain. That’s when my ears started to twitch like a bunny rabbits and heard Miley Siris finish singing See You Again. Was I singing this out loud? No I was reenacting the entire song with hand movements, hair tosses, and hip sways. Well, there goes the cool Steve act. Thanks Michael.

Last week I ramped up my weight on Traps and Lats. That’s the top of your shoulder and your back, by the way. I started a set of shrugs with a lot more weight than I was used to, or was prepared for. Let me tell you it hurt like a motherfucker. Into my third rep I started to see white bursts of light around my vision, like fireworks or when Wile E. Coyote gets an anvil. I was oohing and awing until I thought that this is neither normal nor healthy. I really didn’t want to reenact a scene from the Animatrix and wake up in a gooey slime. On the other hand my shoulders are beginning to pop.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

CHEESEMAN PARK

Here’s a great story from Cheeseman Park, the big gay park here in Denver. Back before the Interwebs this is where you’d go to “hook up.” Back in the day I’d drive around this park for hours in my ’83 Supra wearing Z. Cavariccis and Structure ties. My BFF Jamie would drive around in his Ferio, talking via our fake mobile phones. I’m sure I went through three copies of Janet Jacksons, Rhythm Nation.
But, let’s not dwell on the twink version of StevieB. Back when I wore 30” jeans and a flat belly. It’s always been told that our cruising park was once a cemetery and that thousands of bodies were left after the city just removed the headstones and made a city park. The stories of guys on their knees, sucking dick just to realize they were in a depression cause by a caved in casket. So, last week the AP and Channel 4 released this story…

http://www.cbs4denver.com/video/?id=49083@kcnc.dayport.com

DENVER (AP) — Couples chatted, children played and joggers hustled past gardens on an unseasonably warm November day at Cheesman Park.
Few knew that the grounds in the center of Denver were once the final resting place for at least 4,200 of the city's earliest residents, according to historical records.
That past literally came up again last week when a construction crew building a parking garage at the nearby Denver Botanic Gardens unearthed two rows of caskets.
Investigators determined that workers had stumbled upon part of a frontier-town cemetery laid out by city founder Gen. General William Larimer, who had acquired the land — an Arapahoe Indian burial ground — in 1858. The land was later divided into different cemeteries for Protestants, Roman Catholics and Jews.
As Denver grew in the 1880s, city officials decided to turn the cemeteries into a park, which was later split into two. In August 1893, they gave the relatives of those buried in the Protestant cemetery, today's Cheesman Park, 90 days to remove their loved ones' remains.
Other remains near the botanic gardens and modern-day Congress Park were removed by 1923, and 8,600 remains from the Catholic cemetery were moved in 1950 to make room for the botanic gardens — where the estimated 40 caskets were found Friday.
"Nobody had a map of where the bodies really were," Chief Deputy Coroner Michelle Weiss-Samaras said.
Most of the caskets found Friday were collapsed and empty, though some contained finger or toe bones. One held a nearly intact set of remains with the skull and some larger bones missing — evidence of a botched effort to remove the skeleton, Weiss-Samaras said.
Investigators combed through the caskets before determining that all remains had been recovered and allowing the construction to continue. The remains were taken to another cemetery, where they will be buried in one casket.
"We don't know who they are," Weiss-Samaras said. "There's no way to say how many people there are."
Larry Conyers, an archaeology professor at the University of Denver, said he has found several caskets in Cheesman Park with a ground-penetrating radar he used to find Roman temples in Jordan, a Christian church in Tunisia and a buried Mayan village in El Salvador.
"We checked an area of the park, where you can see these indentations in the ground, maybe an inch or two of settling," Conyers said. "We didn't find anything. Then we moved our radar antennae to other areas and we found all kinds of caskets, adult caskets, children caskets."
Conyers now uses a 30-by-30 foot area of the park to train his students.
Those enjoying Cheesman on Tuesday were unfazed by the discovery.
"It adds character to the park," said Brandon Styles, an artist who was there with friend Anna Maestas and his Chihuahua, Jim Bob.
Conyers suggested that the next of kin of those buried in the park have likely passed on.
"So what if people are playing Frisbee and having a picnic there?" he said. "There are no relatives moaning and groaning that they have their relatives being lost in the area."
He suggested a sign advising people of the park's history as a cemetery.
Weiss-Samaras said there were such no immediate plans.
"We just want to make sure that any remains that are uncovered are treated with the same respect as if they were buried there yesterday," she said.

Monday, November 17, 2008

TALKING BACON

We went out Saturday night. But, I guess that Fuzzy was tired on the way into town. As we headed south on the highways fast lane I heard a huge snore rattle from his side of the car. One of those huge snores that you let out when you’ve fallen asleep even when you didn’t realize it. Now he does this all the time so I don’t think much of it. I wouldn’t in this case either but he happened to be the one driving. So here you are driving southbound on I-25 your Homosexual life partner just let out a snore. Because he’s sound asleep. Going 75MPH. He did wake up.

Hey, here’s talking bacon.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Obummer

My Obama bumper sticker came in the mail today! I’m very excited, I’m gonna rush out and affix this puppy to my bumper right now. Thanks MoveOn.org, not so much on the timely mail, are ya?




On Tuesday we spent the afternoon at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Denver. The collections were great as usual. I snapped some pictures of the building. Never try to be sly and take pictures in a museum. You just might get an uber Dyke reminding you of your status in life.




And here’s a ubiquitous, self-serving picture of your handy StevieB. I’ve lost 10 pounds, for thoughs of you that are keeping tack at home. This was due to not driving through Taco Bell twice a week. I’m just saying that’s all.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Can I get a lube?

Tuesday was Veterans day. What did you do to celebrate The Great Wars Armistice? I turned a service technician at my local Dodge/Jeep dealer gay.

I had the day off so I figured that it would be a great time to take the ol’jeep in for an oil change. The dealership is in a rural area, so there was several trucks already in line when I pulled up. We all ended up in the waiting room, drinking coffee. The farmers watching Good morning America and I clicked away on the Iphone.
After awhile a technician came in and shouted a random name. He repeated this several times until I realized that it happened to be Fuzzy’s last name.
“Oh, sorry that’s me!”
“You don’t know your name?” he said in a half joking manner.
“No..I mean, yes… I do… It just that the service order must have been placed under the other half’s name.“ Fuzz takes his truck here as well.
He looked at me puzzled. “The other half? It says XXXXX here?” (He barked Fuzzy’s full name)
I realized what was about to happen, you have to make a choice. Do you bring this small town good ol’boy into the 21 century, or realize that you haven’t had a shower yet and just want to get out of the Service/Parts department as quickly as possible.
“Ya, he’s my partner.”
The look on his face was shared by the whole waiting room, one of odd bewilderment. The trying to place the phrase “business” in front of partner, thinking ohhhh..... business partner. Maybe they own the local Feed and Seed. Then one by one they just gave up and settled for a look a fifty year old gets when they just smelled stinky cheese. The Service Tech. started to look at the work order. He started to think upon how he let a Homosexual’s oil run from their crank case on to his hands. Shooting out right by his face. OH, GOD! I was inside a Homo’s vehicle?!
This is where he looked up at me and realized that he had caught the gay. Like tag, and I had just touched his back as he ran away. I slipped the paperwork out of his stunned hands and turned to pay.
“What is this 1955?”
The poor service guy still standing there, rolling his fate around in his head. I’m sure by noon he was down at the mall in buying flip-flops.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Smurfs up!





They're getting the Thanksgiving balloons ready!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Lesbians and the land of Cubicals

So at my job I sit in a sea of cubicles, all day surrounded by Lesbians. Hordes of them, herds of them. Swarming around like politically minded, well dressed wolves. They approach and rattle off stuff like
“Did you see that sub-committee for the legislator just cut funding of the Glenn-Beck finance bill by 4.793495959595% like that’s going to fly.”
“Uh…..yes? I have 19” arms.”

It is kinda nice to be a minority, me being the only male and yet being a Moe. As they discuss Golf I can just space out and start to think of fun things I want to buy, and no one thinks less of me. Today the Alfa, We call her Diana Shore, came to let me know that the “group” is supporting two families for Thanksgiving. I asked
“do you want me to bake a pie?” I guess this shows weakness in the Lesbian community. Because, she let me know that she did not want me to bake anything…. Ever. This must be a Sappho euphemism, I later wrote a sticky note,(Don't talk about pie!)

This is clearly forced volunteerism. They are helping the homeless or “challenged” members of our tribe and I’m coming along, with cans of green beans. So look at me, I’m all civic minded. I’m sure soon I’ll get to blog about putting up the Hanukkah-Kwanza-winter solstices Non-religious holiday decorations.

Monday, November 10, 2008

LIGHTS

I should of realized the type of weekend I was going to have when I called home half-way through my Friday. I asked what Fuzzy was doing, to which he sleepily replied.
“ Watching…… a movie, show…. about Jewish Christmas.”
Oy, There’s nothing so heart warming then the magical time of Jewish Christmas. The lights, the songs, to see the blue and silver trees up in the malls.

Well, this year I’m getting a jump on Gay Christmas. Yes, I am aware of the date. We’re still weeks away from Thanksgiving. But, I ain’t letting the season get by without doing every damn thing Christmasish. That’s why I dragged Fuzzy to buy outside “Holiday” lights. We can’t call them Christmas lights or Captain Fuzz freaks out. And, Just so you know, icicle lights were “so last year.”

We ended up spending way too much time in the Christmas isle. Apparently some lights gave Fuzz flashbacks of his Ex and some remind me of my Mormon Dad yelling for the hammer to drive the last ring-shank nail into a five foot cross on top of our house. When I was eight, I snuck out in the middle of the night to pull one of out one of those nails just to have the cross glow at an angle. Christmas eve found us with a huge glowing “X” on our roof.

We picking up and set down no less then four types of lights and “outing” a sixteen year-old to his grandmother. But, seriously we saved her from wrapping gold garland around her trailers front porch. They should thank us. We settled on a blue and white snowflake motif . A gay winter electric wonderland. And since they’re LED they’re bright as fuck. I’m going for peaceful and serene but keeps the neighbors awake all night from the glare. Fuzzy is now saying that I have to wait until after Thanksgiving to put them up. Seriously? It’s getting dark a 4:30PM there’s little old neighbor ladies that need their retinas scarred.

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Hey, here's some pics of the 2010 Mustang. Small but F&%$kin cool changes. Found these on Motortrend.com


Friday, November 7, 2008

PROP 8 GREETING CARDS

I went to get some greeting cards at the Hallmark store. Boy, they are really behind the times. I couldn’t find a single “Sorry about the state mandated dissolvement of your happy union” cards. Or the “SO, YOUR GAY! WELCOME TO SECOND CLASS CITIZENSHIP” Cards to send to friends in California. I thought they had a card for every occasion.

I was hoping to find a couple of cute little cards maybe with fuzzy woodland creatures saying things like...

So sorry you’re quite annoyed. The state of California made your marriage, null and void.

or

When you got married it was a lovely affair. But the right wing bigots came to rip and tear. Now that the Mormons waged a marriage attack, you can't be married, can I have the toaster back.



Then they could make a series of Arnold Schwarzenegger cards.

Proposition 8 will protect marriage. A fantasy in a horse drawn carriage. Heaven forbid that two men are sublime. We've made your happy union, a crime. Our "normal" marriages have the highest divorce rate. I guess we just wanted to spread the hate.


Thursday, November 6, 2008

And here's some Mormon missionaries to try and convert you...


Why do you make me talk to her?

So, how’s your life after the election. Mine is FUCKING FANTASTIC! Other than prop. 8 in Cali that is. I got a call last night from the Mom. Why do I talk to that woman? I had avoided any contact from her when I heard that her Mormon Church was collecting money to "stop perversion in California.” Yeah, right. Seriously. It was one of “those” talks. It went something like this:

No, we did not just elect a “Muslin.” As that would mean the president is a thin plain-weave cotton fabric.

No. Actually there are numerous polls and data that shows that race was not a factor. Age was more of a factor. Just to show that people in their 70s should be ground up into Soylent Green (she's 70.)

No. I can assure you that “Shag” will not be installed in the Oval Office. Those words are not allowed to be spoken to me. (Not shag... she used the “N” word.)

Yes. I’m sure you are happy that the Mormon Church “defended marriage.” Denying your third son the simple right, that your other six children have of growing old with someone is an amazing Mormon Cru'de'tet. (Yes I know, I said amazing Mormon appetizer.) I thought it was funny, mostly because she didn’t get it.

Her response?

*CLICK*

When you remind a Mormon who is spouting off about “Family Values” that they’re a bunch of polygamist hypocrites. You’ll get that, check this out:


I think we’re done taking for a while. I didn’t think to bring up a couple of things just to piss her off. This is from Denver’s channel four, Thanks Jerrod.
"Republican Rep. Marilyn Musgrave [author of the federal gay marriage ban] lost her bid for a fourth term as Democrats surged across Colorado, picking up two congressional seats and delivering nine electoral votes to Barack Obama.

The Democratic tide in Colorado also appeared to include election of the nation's first openly gay non-incumbent, Jared Polis, in a left-leaning district with an open seat."

Who is Jared Polis?




Wednesday, November 5, 2008

A MURDER OF DRAG QUEENS

I’ve decided that it’s much easier to wait in the Wendy’s drive through then park the damn car and walk my lazy ass in and talk to Wendy. I decided this today at lunch. Even though the times I’ve been I to this particular location I’ve had a hamburger and a show. The manager, who has eyebrows like Artha Kitt only hires 18 year olds that someday will hatch from club kid larvae into beautiful drag queens. I call them “The Wendys.”
There’s a herd, or bunch, or gaggle, or a murder of them. A murder of drag queens. Nowhere else can you get a BLT salad and find glitter in it. When I order there’s three of them on the line giving me the “Care Bear Stare.” Rainbows shooting from what’s left of their eyebrows.















As much as I love drag chrysalis, little pupae in Scissor Sister T-shirts ready to come forth. This means I have to turn off the IPod and go inside, and during lunch I’m usually listening to pod casts like The Feast of Fools or Geeky NPR news. And ya’know I’m fine just waiting in the drive through. Unless you count the other day when The Feast of Fools was talking about anal health and I had the top down on the Jeep.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

ELECTION DAY

The only way we're going to make it through election day is with David Bowie.....


Monday, November 3, 2008

Go Broncos

I went to the dentist last week. Never go to a medical facility on Halloween. The receptionist was dressed as a zombie, Feeling uneasy about getting dental work and then giving your insurance card to the undead, it’s a little uncomfortable. This is a new dentist, as my cute little gay dentist retired to move to Hawaii. Selfish. He gave his practice to Dr. Straight-Mormon. I’ll be the first to say that I’m a Gay Ghetto gay. I want to give my money to my people. I honor and respect people that can say “being gay is just a part of my whole being.” Oooooh, get her!

This was my second visit. Both times as I tried unsuccessfully to fit my wide frame into the tiny chair Dr. Straight-Mormon asked,

“So are ya watching the Broncos?

This is the Denver Broncos, the NFL, American Football team he’s referencing. As he asks this I feel the urge to roll my eyes. What I want to say is that I do not enjoy watching Millionaires play an insignificant game. Why does a huge sum of our taxes go to build and maintain a stadium that is used to entertain a small minority? Why when the NFL makes record profits year after year does the city supplement this team and the stadium. Why does this small minority get support and the culture and arts base in this city have to struggle. Our libraries have to close on certain days to save money and yet the owner of the Broncos has what is pretty much a Lobbyist to get funds so that no “out of pocket” funds have to come from him.

Denver has no Symphony hall yet we have football players getting arrested monthly. So NO! I do not watch the Broncos. I don’t watch them because I believe in this city and want to see light rail grow. Not expand the parking structure around the stadium for tailgate parties. That and, it’s homoerotic, watched by Homophobes.

But as Dr. Straight-Mormon asks this he shoves a mirror on a stick into my mouth so all I can do is mutter “uuuugh- uuum.”

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Car History

Cars I’ve owned order since I hit puberty:

68 Ford, Mustang
83 Toyota, Supra
85 Nissan, Truck
87 Toyota, 4runner
91 GMC, Sierra
00 Jeep, Cherokee
01 Ram, Truck
01 Jeep, Wrangler

This year I’ve grown up a lot. By this I mean I’ve had to fill up a Jeep for a 90 mile daily commute. That, and I’m at the point in my life where I want to be pampered. Is it so wrong to want power windows and a sun roof? Knowing that I’m giving up driving around and around Chessman with the top off so everyone can see my chiseled chest. Uh…let’s forget I said that last part, OK? Anyway…..
Now I’m thinking about getting the next great Stevie-mobile. So, being a huge (some may argue literally or just fugitively) gay guy I wanted to see what the Moes are driving, so I Googled.

http://gaylife.about.com/od/gayproductreviews/ss/gaycarsmen2009.htm

I think I’m a 9. By that I mean the number nine, the Ford Flex.
I smell a road trip!





















Or there's the Dodge Challenger, I do consider myself a Mopar man.



Now that would be cool driving around a gay park with my shirt off. At 17MPG. Great. Gee, what a surprise, there is no Taurus SHO written in any gay or for that matter any hip article anywhere. Surprised?










How about a Lincoln MKZ? At 32K.


















I do like the Dodge Charger. It’s what the cops drive in these parts and that makes me rock hard. Seriously, and sadly every time I see one I get close to shooting. This may be odd, on my daily commute.

















Well, I guess I’ll keep thinking about this.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

JEEP

A momentous occasion happened this week. The Jeep turned over, not literally but its odometer. I was kind of excited. Then I wondered why I would excited about having a jeep with 100K on it. I spent the day shopping on line for a new vehicle.



Tuesday, October 28, 2008

HALLOWEEN

Have I told you that I HATE Halloween? Hate it, hate it, and hate it. And here’s why, I’m a huge chicken -scaredy pants. I’ll be the first to admit it. Now don’t get me wrong, it’s not the costumes, decorations or anything like that. It’s the TV commercials.

See, I have night terrors. Sometimes they’re fun. Like when I climbed up onto the bed and hit my head on the ceiling fan because I thought I was climbing onto the center stand to receive my Olympic gold medal. Most of the time however, they are horrible. Panic filled near heart attack kind of horrible. October it seems they show nothing but commercials for horror movies. Like the ongoing love story of the Saw V movie. The last “scary” movie I saw at length was Seven. It took me a month to not wake up in the hallway punching either the wall or the boyfriend. He got very “tenderized” that month. I still wonder why he broke up with me? Every time I see just a second or two of the Saw or anything in that vein I soak it directly into the darkest part of my brain and then twist it around to terrorize myself at 3AM, just so I can wake up beating the shit out of the highboy.

This is why we can’t have anything nice.

It has worked out this October. Since I have to watch everything on the DVR (so I can fast-forward through the commercials) I’ve also missed all the political ads. The race between the D and R for Colorado’s Senate seat it so hotly contested it seems like a horror movie. So, if you’re ever in our neighborhood at 2AM and see Stevie out on the lawn in his undies , duck.

Monday, October 27, 2008

VIDEO

Two reasons why Steve should not be allowed around a video camera until he has had his coffee. Enjoy!
Oh, uh. And... tilt your head to the left.


Finally! Some coffee.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

VOTE NO ON 8

Vote NO on California Prop 8




So we can foster healthy relationships like Dr. Bunsen and Beaker.

Friday, October 24, 2008

AGGRESSIVE WIENER

An applied animal behavior study found that Dachshunds are the most aggressive breed of dog. Not Rottweilers or Pit bulls. Cute little wieners.
Here’s the news article from Telegraph.co.uk
Telegraph.co.uk

Here’s a list of how the jerk dogs of the world rank.
thedenverchannel.com

Meanine Wienie.
I just love saying Mean Wiener.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Need to lose weight?

Oh, remember. We were so simple then......


Please, don't go all "And the Band Played On" on me. It's a joke.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

INKED

I always have toyed with getting inked. I think it’s a great idea, but having something permanently tattooed on my skin has sometimes bothered me. I have to say that I am closer than ever to jumping into the pool. I’ve found out what Combo #4 is, at my local Chinese restaurant. This way I can walk in and point to the “mystic Chinese character” on my forearm that everyone thinks symbolizes “Earth, air and spirit.” This way I can get in and eat faster.

I’ve found this on
The Mostly Unfabulous Social Life of Ethan Green website.

Click on it to read

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

FEAR MONGER

Going to the mailbox I found it jammed full of happy little reminders why Democracy does not work. Remember when AOL jammed about 50 of their start up disks in your mail slot? Back when I was wearing Gap flat fronts. I literally had 67 pieces of mail from every candidate and freakish cause jammed in my box. Mark Udall’s (D) slick copy with his grinning face, and then his opponent Bob Shafer (R) grinning back stating “No he’ll kill us all! Vote for me!”
The best was a letter and add from the ROCKY MOUNTAIN GUN OWNERS. Boy, did they miss their mark. The letter read:
“Dear friend, are you sitting down? What I have to say might shock you…..Your right to self-defense is under a withering attack from your State Representative, Mary Hodge. She consistently puts the rights of criminals ahead of the right of our citizens. “
This continues for about two pages stating that Robert Hadfield (her opponent) loves guns and Jesus.
Now this is normal fear mongering that the Democrats will take your guns lying crap. But, in the same stack heading for the dumpster was another mailer from the “Gun swingers.”



Now, do we need to have a ski mask wearing, gun pointing, black man in the mail? This is way past disgusting. This is the most charged, fearful, hate mongering I’ve seen. This states that if you vote for Mary Hodge, black men will come into your house and KILL YOU.
The joke is on them. I would love for a black man to come to my house. I also went to Mary Hodge for Colorado State Senate website. Yeah, she’s adorable. That and every aspect of her manifesto I completely agree upon. Nowhere can I find anything about her wanting to kill everyone, take their guns to meltdown into an effigy to satan.

Monday, October 20, 2008

GAS GODS

I filled up the Jeep over the weekend. That's when I saw the gas had fallen below 3 bucks a gallon. I started to scream and jump up and down like I had just won Lotto.
"Thanks be praised, thanks be praised to the Sir, Mr. Gas God. Yesss Sir. Thanks Sir Gas God."
I feel that my feelings were shared by my surrounding gas station disciples. I could tell because the hoots were deafening. As I pumped my Manna from heaven I realized that I may be suffering from a small case of Stockholm syndrome. The state of mind in which "the hostage" shows signs of loyalty to the hostage-taker, regardless of the danger in which they have been placed. But still, I'll take it.



Friday, October 17, 2008

A big THANKS to Michael over at What's a boy to do? for posting this video on You Tube. Now everyone can learn what I spend on Tupperware.


I have been getting these “buy crap from me” E-mails. So, today I responded.

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Dear Steven BXXXXXX

Hi, I just wanted to make sure you received my previous e-mail. I have all of the scents for you to sample and smell and some examples of the warmers if you want to see them. Call me or e-mail me if you have any questions or have any trouble ordering. Thanks everyone and happy shopping. Reminder - I want to close the party on the 25th so folks can get their orders in early November. Sometimes popular items get back ordered in November and December due to high demand so get your orders in now! If you aren't interested just let me know and I'll take your name of this e-mail list so you don't get any more reminders. Gracias my friends!

10/18/2008
12:00 AM

(970)XXX-XXXX
online
FORT COLLINS, CO 80526
US

Don't forget to bring a Friend!

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Dear, XXXXXXX

I would like to respond to this E-mail in the kindest way possible. I feel that most people don’t realize that they are, or when they are being insensitive. Offending co-workers is something that peers never set out to do. In this spirit, I would like to clear the air. I like millions of Americans are I have a condition that makes candles and scented items full of stress and worry. I trust to you the fact that yes, I have no nose. I’ve felt the spurn of society my entire life. This is why I have a prosthetic nose for the office. I would like to keep this fact close to my chest, as it where. I would not like this to get out to other office peers. Thank you in advance for your understanding about my lack of response to your October, 14Th Email for your Scentsy party.


Steven

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Steven – sometimes I can’t tell when you are kidding. Are you kidding?????


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I’m very sensitive about my missing orifice. Please, find it in your heart and PLEASE don’t judge me.

Here’s a quote from a support group, American's born without noses (ABWN)

“In this day and age of experimental drugs and incest rates at 50 year highs, more and more people are born without noses. This has made the nose a top selling organ on the international black market, with some noses going for over $70,000 (or about 50 goats in rural countries). "Nose-harvesting" as its called in Uzbekistan is on the rise. In the USA, about 400 noses are harvested each year. Naturally, this has caused some concern among certain celebrities, Gonzo chief among them. Incidentally, Michael Jackson has recently laid off his own bodyguards.

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Steven,
If you didn’t want my E-mails about me selling candles. Just let me know. I don’t have time for your “jokes.”
XXXXXX
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Dear XXXXX,
I’m sorry. I felt that if I approached you with honestly about my affliction you could be a person of trust. I apologize for this burden. I do not want to be a roadblock with you or your smell-enabled co-workers enjoying the office environment.

Thanks for your understanding,
Steven

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I’m gonna walk over there and smack that nose off your face!!
Stop it! I mean it!
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Dear XXXXX,
For only pennies a day you can support ABWN to buy more realistic noses for children who have to suffer with cheap, red clown noses.

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At this point I did not receive a response E-mail. Later, I got a smack in the head.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

I went to Des Moines for this?

We went to explore Des Moines last Saturday before going to Dixie Longate’s Tupperware party. Since we like to blend in and act like the locals everywhere we go Fuzzy decided to dress in a manner that would be appropriate to a Farmers market we were heading out to enjoy. His “I shaved my balls for this?” T-shirt is always a good choice. When we get invited to have Christmas dinner with the Obama’s I’ll be sporting a smart Banana Republic wool V-neck. Fuzz will shake Mrs. Obama’s hand as she stops to read: I SHAVED MY BALLS FOR THIS?
I didn’t marry for gravitas. The hotel was hosting a quilter’s conference last weekend. 100 chubby, Midwestern, Christian white women. I walked through the dining room with only breakfast on my mind. The six of us soon grabbed a table in the middle and I started to shovel hash into my pie hole. I looked up just enough to notice that Michael had just a petite plate of fruit. Since we’re all a bunch of bears it was easy to spot the open table surface in front of Michael were a plate of bacon should have been. As we finished up, a little grey haired woman tiptoed over to our table and slips a quilter’s advertisement card next to Fuzzy. Fuzzy says “how nice, thank you.” And starts to read, then turns it over to read what the table of Christians had written on the back-side.

Next time try Nair.