Thursday, April 30, 2009
Now more than ever
You need a live ferret in your pants.
Now more than ever
Put Crispy Cream doughnuts on the cat.
Now more than ever
So why is the current economic climate a time to scare people into buying stuff? And, why are they using a Richard Nixon campaign slogan? Okay, yes I know the answer to the first question. And sorry, you'd have to be a HUGE nerd to understand the second question. But, do commercials need to use a deep baritone voice over to make you think that your 401K has tanked so now you deserve pizza.
Now more than ever,
I need a hand job. Well, whatever works.
On a related note, last night Fuzz and I got a little Bam-chike-bawm-bam on the Super-squishy-elle-shaped sofa of love. When we were done and catching our breath, Fuzz’s first words were, not “you’re amazing” it was “what do you want for dinner?”
"Now more than ever I need a towel." I calmly responded.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
One of the calmly suggested commands was “grasp your hands behind your back.” Suddenly I felt like Tiny the Dinosaur….in yoga class.
“I’ve got this big head and these tiny arms.”
Why did I go in to this thinking that it was just stretching? I have never sweat so much in my entire life. Not to mention today with all the weird muscles hurting. But, I’m ready for the next class. I won’t however do a chest workout beforehand. Bad idea.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Monday, April 27, 2009
On Saturday Carl, Dalton, and I went to look for mid-century furniture. Because, we’re in our late thirties/early forties, gay, and that’s just what we do. As part of our trek, we rewarded ourselves with a trip to the DQ, I had a chocolate shake. This is probably why, after spending the remainder of the day on the elle shaped super squishy sofa of love* watching season six of Dallas with Fuzzy, I woke up on Sunday. “I needed to get my ass to the gym.“
There are some hot guys at the Alameda, 24hour fitness. This helped me reach a new level of incline and speed, Damn it hurt. But I just kept picturing standing next to the pool on a gay cruise, without a shirt on. “Run damn you! Run! I will not be seen with cruise muffin top! I found it very motivational, to randomly scream out:
“Everyone will laugh at you” they’ll see your dirty pillows!”
I’m sure that this also motivated my fellow cardio-maniacs. Several around me quickly left, I’m sure this was to go hit the weights.
Tuesday is Yoga day, the first day back to Yoga. I say “first day back” because I tried it three times in late ’02. But, tomorrow I make my return. Frank and Carl and joining in, it will be fun! And, not at all like the Bears in the big ring be trained to balance a ball on their noses. Not at all. If I’m not to sweaty, I’ll try to work my Instamatic.
Me, in yoga class.
*Also known as the ESSQSL
Friday, April 24, 2009
So, my leisure pursuit of self-portraits using my shiny, black friend has validation. Now the guys on this site are a little too skinny for me, still it’s nice to be validated.
Have you noticed that Facebook has worked it's way into every conversation lately? For me anyway it's turned into a way of ignoring work by checking to see how much Pam Ann’s life is better than mine and to have 80’s song lyric wars. Just another way of passing my time until I get to bore you with another blog post. Really, I know. In fact most people have stopped reading this to go check their Facefook status. It’s okay I’m cool. Am I your friend on Facebook? Hit me up, I have a huge arsenal of 80’s song lyrics, I can go for days.
Look It's my first flip-flop day at work...
*NSFW /BTW /LMAO
Thursday, April 23, 2009
My thoughts have turned to spring, and the drawer of sleeveless muscle shirts in the IKEA highboy. Oh, how I’ve missed them, all taut against my shoulders. They’ve been cast aside, ignored for the winter, and like any living thing need sunlight to survive. Soon my pets, soon.
Have I mentioned how much I love spring? Soon I can wear my cargo shorts and shirts sans sleeves to zip around Cheeseman Park with the top down on the Jeep.*
*I’ve successfully made the gayest blog post ever. Girl.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
MY CAR IS MY LOVER.
It’s a Documentary exploring extreme relationships. It’s a film that follows two men who have sexual relationships with their cars. An uppity British film crew follows two men who are known as ‘mechaphiles’. That’s somebody who’s in love with their vehicle. And by "love" I mean blow loads of foaming man gravy on its dirty little bumper.
You can love your car; just don’t “love” your car. It’s on YouTube if you missed it on BBC America. Ever since I saw it, my Jeep’s been giving me the evil eye.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
K Mart Broadway/Alameda - m4m - 44 (Denver)
Saturday afternoon in Electronics. Two way/ Three Way, maybe? I hope to hear from you.
You do know you’re trying to pick up a guy at K-Mart right?
Home Depot - Alameda & Santa Fe - m4m (Denver)
We were both at the customer service desk at the same time. You had a cart with a large item on it.....what was on the cart?
Uh, you just wanted to know what was on his cart? I thought the purpose of Craigslist was to hook up for sex. Cool, whatever.
You work at Target in Glendale in the Deli - m4m - 26 (Denver)
You work at Target in the Deli... I think your name might be Dave (as my friend hollered to me in front of you on purpose a few weeks back). Not sure if there's even a shot here, and even if there is if you'd be interested. I think we've exchanged glances a few times or it could be wishful thinking. This isn't the 'let's hookup' type of MC, more like hit me up and let's grab some dinner and drinks kinda post.
….and can I get two pounds of that honey ham and a half pound of smoked Gouda. Thanks!
Our last entry falls under the “I’ve tried everything but talk to him! And, I’m all out of ideas” category. Wow, I do love the attached picture, that wasn’t me. It actually had the LOLcat included. This was to make it not only sad, but pathetic. Sad and pathetic, Pathetisad.
Cue the Neal Diamond and Barbara duet…..
“You don’t bring me flowers anymore….”
Papa bear - m4m - 21 (alone)
You and I used to be so close... I don't know what happened. I was the cub, you were my bear. Was it because I grew up? Because I'm not as naive as I once was? I know you have your own problems, but I have mine too. I can still look past all of this... if you'd only look at me like you used to. Other guys are attractive to you, but you never tell me I look nice anymore. I do things FOR YOU, and I don't even get a good job. I miss you. I miss... us.
I think if you really wanted to end it, you'd just come out and say it's over. Why are you hiding your feelings from me? If you can tell me what I did wrong, I'd fix it. I got hurt, and you didn't even come to see me... Am I nothing to you anymore? I've stopped crying to myself about you. I can't hurt anymore, so I want to know... Am I still yours, or has my use finally ran out?
Hey, I've found a new way to find a gym. Go to your local Craigslist and scan down the Missed Connections pertaining to "Locker room hook ups" and Viola. Your new gym. You're welcome.
Monday, April 20, 2009
I only collect cool comics*, like the Red Star series and I did find a couple of rare issues. Not that it makes me a nerd or anything.
I also found out that despite their sunny reputation, Klingons are not a fun people. I found this out when a rubenesque Klingon ran smack into me. Since he was 5’4” he bounced off and as he started to curse me in his native tongue I said something like “Oh—you’re sooo cute.” Never tell a short Klingon he’s cute. Never.
*Cool as in socially awkward, not dateless.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Not that I drink Cosmos.
It’s one of those dark wood paneled rooms that you’d meet your romantic rival in just to splash your bourbon n branch in their face. Half way through my steak I had to hit the head. As I stood at the urinal I started to focus on the framed prints in front of my nose. This is what I started to focus on:
Wow! They appeared to be some sort of record book of really bad things.
Really bad things.
So, I whipped out my trusty iPhone to share some of the records with you. I’m a giver, and apparently so was Young Ruh. Although, I’ve got a “friend” who has Kathy Curnabelle beat. Hands down.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
I retorted, “When you stop melting the North Pole, causing Logo to run the five minute long commercial on how the Polar Bears are slowing starving to death. I can hardly wear my Polar Bear lederhosen out anymore.”
So the trip to Uber-Target was pretty great, I had a great feeling of doing our part with the cool new reusable totes. Until the cashier kept uttering under her breath how much trouble they were. So I said “Just sack my bottles of water and stop staring at my lederhosen!”
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
This being said I got a present t’other day. As you know I’d totally go gay for Colton Ford. Now thanks to an anonymous commenter (fc)I have a new mural for the hood of my 1978 Trans Am. What do you think? Oh…and by the way it’s majorly, hugely mongo NSFW.
I feel like Sally, Charlie Brown's little sister.
"Isn't he the cutest"
"Colton Ford is my sweet Baboo!"
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
“God bless you.”
How freaking cute is that!? I’ve been thinking about her ever since. Then, Fuzzy and I saw this commercial:
Now, every time they announce Becca Wineinger for Prom Queen, Fuzz just melts and tears up. I on the other hand start to laugh and mock Becca. “That hair is all wrong I snap” and “I made a poopy!” Yes, I’m mocking a poor special needs child. But just this morning I thought back to the tiny woman on the sidewalk in Brooklyn. Don’t ya hate it when you start to grow up?
Monday, April 13, 2009
“Steve. I brought some caramel corn in if you want some.”
I thought, wow that’s nice.
“I had to go clean out my great aunts house after passing. I gave it to her a couple years back and she never ate it.”“Huh, thanks” Soooooo she offered me popcorn she found in her dead relatives house. That Auntie didn’t even want years ago? What kind of bottom feeder does she think I am?
Turns out I’m the kind that eats dead-aunt corn.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Friday, April 10, 2009
So, I’m readily prepared to casually run into him out in public. In Denver. Colorado. It could happen; maybe on at trip to Aspen we could unexpectedly get the same chair lift. See, it could happen.
Like a normal evening Dalton and I had gone to get some Sushi, then we wanted Gelato. Somehow, instead of Italian ice we ended up at a cute little French place in Cherry Creek North eating crepes. Oooh-la-la! I ordered what seemed to be a crepe banana split. This is what I got:
A super gay French dessert extravaganza! It looked like a gay ice-cream hat…..chapeau, sorry. A saucy bonnet. It didn’t help that when the sommelier set it down I scream “Viola” as in VIE-OOLA. Then proceeded to asked Dalton twenty times;”Aren’t crepes ‘spost to be soft and squishy?" As I sat there with my defile of chocolate syrup I thought “great this is when Colton Ford would walk in. He turns to me and thinks;
“Wow! look at that flaming gay chocolate covered, strawberry filled mess. Eating that huge dessert.”
I’d try to impress him by smiling and puffing up my chest wall but he’d just notice the line of melted ice-cream dribbled down my shirt. I’d try to chase after him screaming “Colton comeback! I’m your biggest fan; I have all of your albums, even the really bad ones! Glenn…..Mr. Soukesian……” but he’d be gone.
The funny thing is, when I was playing this all in my head staring down at my crispy crepe, I suddenly realized that music was beginning to swell.
Quietly at first, then louder.
If I only could make a deal with God……
It was so familiar, yet….I couldn’t place it.
I’d be running up that hill……
Was that... Kate Bush? Why was I having a daydream about Colton Ford and Kate Bush coming up as the scene fades out? Beats me. I just finished my ice-cream as I enjoyed the night air talking to Dalton about being back in Denver with Kate Bush playing in the background.
“…..and if I only could, I’d make a deal with god
And I’d get him to swap our places
Be running up the road, be running up the hill
Be running up that building
Say if I only could…….”
Thursday, April 9, 2009
“Did you throw out the Mac-n-cheese?”
“So…this is what our relationship is based on? You just throw out food whenever it fits you whim?”
“Our relationship is based on me taking care of you in ways you don’t understand, like removing food that might kill you.”
“Don’t try your super-Oprah-powers on me. Sneaking around and cleaning out the fridge behind my back. What? You want out now?”
“Throwing away old food symbolizes to you the ending of our relationship?”
“Because you never communicate with me when you’re going to just toss away crusty Chinese food. When I get moldy are you going to toss me away?”
“I just want to know when I need to say goodbye to our leftovers. I need closure. Couldn't you just update your Facebook status?”
“That I’m tossing Mac-n-cheese?”
“It would be proper.”
“Leave this kitchen!”
“See! You systematically removing our leftovers is tearing us apart!” You want to see other refrigerators now?
“Huh……maybe I’ll start a blog. I’ll call it NICE TO SEE STEVIEB WITH FOOD POISONING. I’ll blog about how much moldy Mac-n-cheese sends you to the ER. Pictures and everything, “here’s StevieB with his head in the toilet. Isn’t that cute. Oh, look he’s green! Hot!”
“You won’t always be able to use your Jedi Powers on me.”
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
This special weaves together several sub-plots into an Iliad proportioned drama which echoes Linus’ beliefs in the Great Pumpkin. Which not unlike Scientology has a strong belief that the Easter Beagle will solve the world's woes.
During this parable, our favorite lesbian couple Peppermint Patty and Marcie struggle with their feminist roles. Whilst Lucy follows her belief that Easter is another reason to receive gifts from the tortured musician, Schroeder. Who, in about 20 years will be playing show tunes on an Atlantis cruise. The pinnacle scene being when a rabid dog pelts small children with eggs, and if that isn’t the true meaning of Easter, I just don’t know what to tell you.
* side effects may include an overwhelming urge to dance with bunnies.
Monday, April 6, 2009
"Do I need new running shoes? Do I really need another pair of Pumas?" Beyond my well documented Puma fetish, do I need a better pair of pumas for running. I started to get that feeling when I walk into the Puma store. The one I also get when I see Zeb Atlas. Then, just as I mentally talked myself out of needing running shoes I thought:
What would 30 Helen's say..........
Friday, April 3, 2009
"I'm changing! I hate the matching gay couple thing!"
As we walked into the show I saw a reflection. Me in my red shirt and blue cap. Fuzz in his blue shirt and red cap.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
So, last night we feasted on Italian Stuffed Artichokes. Yummy!
Here’s a link for a recipe. Not her recipe, because if I gave that out…..I’d sleep with the fishes.
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Man, I have spent way too much time in this place. Standing against a wall wearing perfectly creased Wranglers with a wad of chew in my lip. And, as you will know it was used in season two of Dallas where Lucy Ewing was force to sing country.
Charlie’s in Denver was number five.
Wow, I have not been to Charlie’s forever. Do they still have two bathrooms, one to piss in and one for me..I mean people to fuck in? Find out where your favorite C&W bar ranked.