We finally got the tree up. You don’t realize how much work this is each year until you find yourself dragging six storage tubs out of the garage. We have four, yes four artificial Christmas trees. One Chrome, one Silver, and two green. I guess that’s why we were driving around town for the perfect “fresh cut” tree. One lot was like a tree maze run by a (I’m sure) pedophile just out of a detention facility. The trees had a creepy abused look to them. And when you are searching for a green symbol of Christ’s birth, a creepy pedophile tree does not do it.
This is when the straight guy Steve comes out. Fuzzy looks at me and says,
“Uh….we don’t need a 12’ tree, by any means.”
“Yes, in these crazy times” I joyfully retort. “We definitely, without a doubt need a 12’ tree! We’re in a recession. We need to pay $123 bucks for something that will be dead in 3 weeks!” It keeps the economy running. Our duel income, no kids home will be the engine to get America humming again, Barack wants us to buy this tree!”
Sometimes if I throw enough “word vomit” at Fuzz he gives in. So we brought home our 12’ Christmas tree. Then, we spent the next six hours decorating this monster. I then sat Mr. blow up snowman on the front porch.
Have you seen the inflatable, glowing Christmas crap that everyone displays on their front lawns? Big billowing snowmen, elves, and happy penguins.
WHAT THE FUCK DO PENGUINS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!??!?!!?
At night it’s quite a cute little scene. A winter wonder land all blown up and bopping around to the forced air whooshing up their butts. But, during the day it’s another story. Driving through any upscale neighborhood it's a reenactment of Jim Jones goes to Christmas town. Dead, flat elves and snow people scatter the lawns like a mass suicide cult hit the North Pole. A massacre of merriment. One half-inflated penguin dragging its self off the lawn coughing out
“Don’t drink the Kristmas Kool-aide……..and I only live in Antarctica and parts of South America why am I even here?! Aaaaaaaaaghh!”
I feel bad for their ignorant cult joining asses as I drive by.