Thursday, September 22, 2011

Alexander the Great

My whole week has been consumed by Alexander the Great.


I have a ten page paper due in seven days, comparing Alexander’s campaign of conquering new territory for the propose of empire building to the founding of our modern government. Yet, I’m more intrigued by his sex life.

I eat this history stuff up, yet I’m having an ongoing issue with the Professor teaching this class. Here’s an example:

History Professor’s version:
Alexander the Great had a father named Phillip. He was King of Macedonia before Alexander and was murdered at his Daughter’s wedding.


GWM, swimmers build, ruler of empires,
Seeks muscle-bound bear, bodyguard type.
Must have large sword.  
Me: Whitney Houston, You: Kevin Costner.
No Persians
 

Textbook’s version:
Alexander the Great had a father named Phillip. He was King of Macedonia before Alexander and was murdered at his Daughter’s wedding by a bodyguard named Pausanias. Pausanias had been a lover of Philip, but became jealous when Philip turned his attention to a younger man; Pausanias got all Jerry Springer on the new boyfriend and became a stockerish creepy ex, causing the new boyfriend to off himself. The dead boyfriend’s best bar mate, Attalus, gets all possessive and gets Pausanias drunk and rapes his ass. Pausanias, with his ass still sore, goes and assassinates King Phillip.

Well, the textbook doesn’t say “rapes his ass” but you get the idea. But, the point is that my very conservative teacher, who also teaches at a Christian college, takes the time-old tradition of editing out the gay bits.

So, my paper does compare and contrast the differences between Alexander the Great and the US Constitution, but really will read like a Michael Tomas Ford novel. I do find it challenging to link Alexander’s own long term relationship with a bodyguard to the three branches of government, yet I did make a great simile in regards to when Alex’s lover dies, he forces an entire city to throw themselves onto Mr. Hotty bodyguard’s funeral fire to the Bush presidency.

4 comments:

Pac said...

Wow. I always regarded history as a rather dry subject. You just made it moist for me.

cb said...

Just compare Alexander's gay relationship to the three branches of government: executive, judicial, and buttrapers

Mike from Adelaide said...

I always thought that comparing Manifest Destiny to Alexander's conquests was supposed to be a big no-no. Manifest Destiny is supposed to be some noble ambition, while Alexander was only about conquest with no consolidation and driven by how happy his army was....rant over.

Erik Rubright said...

Your personals photo caption made me LOL: "GWM, swimmers build, ruler of empires, Seeks muscle-bound bear, bodyguard type. Must have large sword. Me: Whitney Houston, You: Kevin Costner. No Persians"