Saturday, November 17, 2007


Last night I spoke a sentence that I never dreamed would fall from my lips. I shouted up the stairs “Well put some pants on and we’ll drive down to the Wal-marts and see if they have your aluminum Christmas tree!”

I stopped for a second when I spoke this wondering if Clinton Ford or Rupaul ever yelled this to their boy friends. Why you ask would I of all people be yelling this to my boyfriend? Me, Mr. “ I only shop at Puma and the Mac store” saying this to a former Mr. International Leather finalist? Funny you ask, see Fuzzy wants an aluminum Christmas tree. I think it’s because last year I talked him into buying a 10’ Douglas fir just to see it turn brown in about 2 days. I quietly drug it to it’s early grave on the 10th of December. Swearing that the tree preservative was Yule tide cyanide. He swears this is not the case, you know he lies. He heard that they have “real aluminum trees” at Wal-mart. I started to ask if I should bring the aluminum axe to cut it down but since it’s early November it would of started dropping foil nettles by Thanksgiving.

Off we go to the evil empire. Have you been in a Wal-Mart? It’s like the renaissance feastival sans the turkey legs but still with all the chubby couples. This one had a creepy Pat Booneish quality. We get to “Christmas land” which up to three days ago was “Patio land” to fight through screaming kids getting in touch with the Christmas Spirit to find a 6’ aluminum tree that Joseph and Mary would have given birth under had they not saw the patio furniture over on isle 4 instead. Fuzzy soon falls in love and I of course encourage him thinking “the man is insane” but what the hell. I will not have to haul this one out of his house in the middle of the night like the Eight is Enough Christmas special. As we left the tree display I saw a helpful Wal-elf and asked where the Menorahs where. She looked over at a glowing Joseph for a second and said that I she thought they were next to sporting goods. Oy vey.

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