COLTON FORD HATES ME

As you know I have a soft spot for Colton Ford. And by “soft spot” I mean…you know what I mean. Sometimes I just sit and think about him, his hard furry chest, his silver screen career, and his oddly misshapen cranium. I'll sit for hours writing his name on my Social Studies book. Mrs. Colton Ford, Steve Ford, Mr. Steven Ford over and over until the bell rings.

So, I’m readily prepared to casually run into him out in public. In Denver. Colorado. It could happen; maybe on at trip to Aspen we could unexpectedly get the same chair lift. See, it could happen.

Like a normal evening Dalton and I had gone to get some Sushi, then we wanted Gelato. Somehow, instead of Italian ice we ended up at a cute little French place in Cherry Creek North eating crepes. Oooh-la-la! I ordered what seemed to be a crepe banana split. This is what I got:





A super gay French dessert extravaganza! It looked like a gay ice-cream hat…..chapeau, sorry. A saucy bonnet. It didn’t help that when the sommelier set it down I scream “Viola” as in VIE-OOLA. Then proceeded to asked Dalton twenty times;”Aren’t crepes ‘spost to be soft and squishy?" As I sat there with my defile of chocolate syrup I thought “great this is when Colton Ford would walk in. He turns to me and thinks;

“Wow! look at that flaming gay chocolate covered, strawberry filled mess. Eating that huge dessert.”

I’d try to impress him by smiling and puffing up my chest wall but he’d just notice the line of melted ice-cream dribbled down my shirt. I’d try to chase after him screaming “Colton comeback! I’m your biggest fan; I have all of your albums, even the really bad ones! Glenn…..Mr. Soukesian……” but he’d be gone.
The funny thing is, when I was playing this all in my head staring down at my crispy crepe, I suddenly realized that music was beginning to swell.

Dunn-de dunn
Boom-be-boom
Quietly at first, then louder.
If I only could make a deal with God……
It was so familiar, yet….I couldn’t place it.
I’d be running up that hill……
Was that... Kate Bush? Why was I having a daydream about Colton Ford and Kate Bush coming up as the scene fades out? Beats me. I just finished my ice-cream as I enjoyed the night air talking to Dalton about being back in Denver with Kate Bush playing in the background.
“…..and if I only could, I’d make a deal with god
And I’d get him to swap our places
Be running up the road, be running up the hill
Be running up that building
Say if I only could…….”