Carl and Will are going all out for Christmas Eve dinner's "tablescape"
Pretty, and high gay.

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Carl's getting all gay for Christmas.

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CHRISTMAS JEEP

Well, we made it. It's Christmas Eve. By the time you read this I most likely will have about a bottle of Shiraz in me. I found a LOLcat that sums up my day...



I'm the cat in the back. You, dear reader are the cat in the foreground.
Isn't symbolism fun?

So I'm sure you're asking yourself, what is Steve getting for Christmas? Well, I'll tell you. One thousand, two hundred bucks of automotive repairs. Yes! That's right the Jeep nearly dropped its transmission. Three days before Christmas. I'm very excited! Yippee! As I handed my credit card over to the Aamco counter clerk, the dreams of the flat screen and Bose speakers shattered above my head, hence the Shiraz. But, did the Whos down in Whoville get down when their Jeep Wranglers left them stranded. No! They all got rip-roaring drunk and stood naked in the town square belting out off-key Christmas carols. So, just call me StevieLou Who.

So let's have something from You Tube that's Christmasy and Super duper gay to not think of my credit card...

THIRTY-SEVEN

At the end of January I’ll be thirty-seven. I’m not the first, nor the last to talk about the stigma around the years spent on the planet, especially “gay years.” I do however find myself with no concept of age. I’ve dated the guys across the spectrum. Being close to thirty-seven the only thing I know it that I’m thankful that I don’t have the credit score of my twenties. The other day I uttered the phrase “They were old, around 40” around friends. The stigma that “old” somehow means insulting came across some faces. Simply taken into a positive light this could very well mean intelligent, or “all the shit you had to deal with to get you to this point has made you a better person and thank God you don’t have to deal with the crap that someone in there early thirties has to yet do.”

It just goes to show that you choose what you want in life. Either, Choose fear of getting old as you are losing something, or you can sit back and enjoy the ride. And, mock the twenty year old twinks that think they have like figured out. That’s fun too.


[Jesus! When did Steve get all touchy-feely?]

DOCTOR WHO CHRISTMAS SPECIAL

We're just a couple days away from the big day. By that I mean the Doctor Who Christmas special. I know! I'm excited too!
*NERD ALERT*
WHOOP...WHOOP!





Seeing that BBC America or SCIFI won't, or can't show the episode airing Christmas day in The Mother Land, we're gonna have to wait until some nice Brit uploads it onto Youtube. Nice Brit... Thank you!

I HEAR LESBIANS

I've noticed that the herd of Lesbians (I've heard of Lesbians)that I work with had started to call me Tony. At first I paid no attention, then assumed it was because “all men look alike.” But after awhile I noticed they would say “Hi tony!” Snicker, snicker.
“OK, why are y’all calling me Tony?”
I was told it’s because every time someone at work asks me how I’m doing I respond,
“I’m Gggggggreat!!!!!!”

Hence, Tony. As in Tony the Tiger. Lesbians are so witty.
Yeah! Hence.


I was asked by the head lesbian if I could help put up “holiday" decorations. Not Christmas, holiday. Happy bunnies and snowmen, we refer to them as Snow people.”

As I stood to hang a gender neutral snow person. I slipped and ended up jumping onto her desk. She asked if I was okay and I responded,
“Sorry, but what do you expect I’ve got this big head and these little arms!
Get it?
Tiny the Dinosaur?
No?
He’s a Dinosaur?
T-rex, with little arms?
A big head?
Raaaaarrow?
Tiny arms........no?

Raaaaaarow.....



I then just quietly walked back to my cube.

HAMBURGER MARY'S

Seeing that the only real thing I do at work is wander around on the interwebs you’d think I be more of astute in social gravitas. You’re wrong buster. So very wrong. To keep up on the gay community I keep to several true sources of hyper-gayness. Now of course there’s Towleroad and Connexions, but also podcasts such as Feast of Fools. But in this era of “New media” I also like to keep up with our trusted old gay newspapers such as Out Front Colorado. But, I’m not a cave man, or 45 so I use the on line edition. This is where I found “Open letters” to our local hangout Hamburger Mary’s.

Hamburger Mary’s is like an old trick's house. You’ve been going for a while; you know you’ll get some. But all the baggage and drama makes you shutter at the door. I’ve decided to post two letters from Out Front Colorado.

Hamburger Mary's - Not so Mary
Hamburger Mary's, I love you.... The food is great, the drinks are awesome, and the atmosphere is very entertaining BUT the service often times SUCKS. Yeah, I said it "SUCKS". The guy and lady who run the place always walk around like they have a major chip on their shoulder. Not all of the wait staff and bartenders SUCK but often times their customer services is embarrassing. My buddies and I tip very well, we are nice, and not demanding at all. I waited tables when I was in college so I get that there are bad days but the same people giving bad service all the time. I love going to Hamburger Mary's because of the food, drinks and atmosphere but why can't the service be just as good. The sad thing is that the management is just as bad, WTF. If you have ever gone to Hamburger Mary's I am sure you know what I am talking about.
I agree, Hamburger Mary's, NOT so Mary
My friends and I went to Hamburger Mary's for their brunch. My friends were hesitant to go but I insisted, BIG MISTAKE!!! We order and the waitress made a few recommendations on our order which we thought was very cool. When the person brought our order to us it was NOT what we order. So get this, it took them 3 times to run our order and they still did not get it right, LoL. The waitress was very apologetic and we were still cool with her because we wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. She leaves to go on what seemed like a break and then she realizes she had us setting there with no silverware. Of course we were smart enough to ask someone else for the silverware. She must have been feeling guilty because she sent one of the waiters over to try and make things cool, his response, and I am being serious (no joke), "come on guys it's not like you come to Mary's for the service" and he laughed. Well so much for their tag line of "Eat, Drink, and be Mary" because my friend and I are usually not feeling "Mary" when we leave the F@!ken place. What I usually see is a bunch of fairy's being not so Mary so I guess if they are going to give that kind of service they should change their tag line to "Eat, Drink, and be not so Mary". At least then they will be practicing what they preach.

I'm thinking Oscar!!

The dialog in this short film is so...fresh. It's effervescent. The driving delivery makes me think of The Grapes of Wrath. Or, The Eyes of Laura Mars when she figures out that Tommy Lee Jones is coming after her and she runs back to her bedroom for the gun, but trips on her deep burgundy shag carpet. God that was scary! I believe that the quick-witted dialog is what draws me back to this jewel again and again.

*SFW*

DGMC and Ron Moore

I went to the Denver Gay Men’s Choir concert last weekend. This is part of my master plan to do “all things Christmassy” if it’s festive and gay, I want to be there. It’s my plan to not miss anything this season. It’s also my plan to drag my friends kicking and screaming along for the sleigh ride.

The concert was good. The scenery was the best part, snow covered trees everywhere.
(I hope you just didn’t miss the subtlety of that comment.)

Chrissy and I played “find the toupee.” We search the 70 gays looking for the dead cat splayed upon heads. We found three. If you’ve ever been to one of these you’ll know that this is the most entertainment you might get. That is if you're ill-cultured and haven’t an attention span, like me.

In the program was the ubiquities list of troubadours. On the adjacent page were the DGMC angles. This is where they list every member that has past. Skimming this list I was struck with one name. Ron Moore. It hit like a ton of bricks slammed against my brain. He’s been dead for more then ten years, but still it cut like yesterday. Ron Moore and I dated eons ago, yet every day with him rushed back as I sat there in my pew. Ron was International Mr. Leather in 1984, but we happen well after his reign. Isn’t it funny if you let your mind wander and start thinking of all the guys we’ve lost during the siege. What if they just weren’t ripped away from us? How would the community look in 2009?

I know, sorry. Thinking this way will drive you crazy. But, in a way this is why I’m running around not wanting to miss any holiday sparkle. Because I can.

ITunes

Deciding I needed more music I logged in to the Itunes music store. "Must have more music,” the little voice drowning out any other thoughts. It was then that a misplaced click landed me down on the rubble pile. You know it, the very bottom of your ITunes. The place where your bottom dwelling no lable music swarms around. The ally mutts of imported music. I'm pretty sure I come home drunk; burnt CDs of mixed music in my pocket like most guys have trick cards. Late at night on this drinking stupor, I import this pirate’s tonnage and throw away any evidence along with the Taco Bell.

This is the story I've concocted to understand how all this unlabeled tracks got onto my Itunes, that or I’ve been really lazy lately. I had twenty-three “Track 1” songs with no discernible traits other then the shuffle trying to play them with out album art.

This is where the IPhone once again paid for its self. Shazam is a down loadable app that listens to your tunes and gives you a label of song, artist, and album. Now I know that I have three remakes of Exposé’s Let me be the one or, seriously 174 Madonna tracks. Does anyone need that much Madonna? I think yes.

So, I feel I’m doing my part in the recession. Instead of buying new songs I’m rediscovering songs I already have. I’m so green.

According to the Alaska Department of Fish and Game, while both male and female reindeer grow antlers in the summer each year, male reindeer drop their antlers at the beginning of winter, usually late November to mid-December. Female reindeer retain their antlers till after they give birth in the spring.

Therefore, according to EVERY historical rendition depicting Santa's reindeer, EVERY single one of them, from Rudolph to Blitzen, had to be a girl.

THERE!!!!!
NOW THAT YOU'VE SEEN IT IN MY BLOG YOU DO NOT
NEED TO E-MAIL THIS TO ME ANYMORE!!!!!!!!

How many times have you received this one?

HOLIDAY STRESS

So, bored at work I decided to take care of some loose ends. I’ve been paying a rental fee of nine bucks for a wireless DSL box I got eight months ago from Qwest. I tried to use this DSL box but it did not play well with our Macs, Airtunes and all the other Mac toys in the house. I ended up with a Mac Airport.

The “rental fee” has clicked away at nine bucks every month since then. “It ends here” I thought. After the recorded jerk sent me through a dozen happy menus I got Nina. Poor Nina. She has to drive six hours after her shift ends at Qwest to take pie to her family’s house for Christmas, just to turn around and drive back so she can work the next day. She then proceeded to tell me that her handed down family recipe was for a “No-bake pumpkin pie” Uh, Eww. Suddenly, we’re friends enough to know the no-bake pumpkin pie recipe. NO! I don’t want your secret family recipe! Unlike you and your trailer, I’ve made career choices that allow me not only a stove but the free time to actually cook things.
Well……. that’s what I would say… if I didn’t need my DSL box turned in for a credit, and if I were a jerk.
When you point out people’s career choices that pretty much ends the possibility of getting pie recipes. Just so you know.
After being on hold long enough to rethink that maybe I did want no-bake pumpkin pie, or NBPP. She was pretty much all business at the point she returned to the line. She authorized the return of the DSL box. But, then asked why the name on the DSL was F____ _____ (Fuzzy’s full name.) Our whole relationship changed.
“Because he’s my life partner and I got him DSL as a wedding present because this is what we do when we can’t legally get married.”
*stunned silence*
I can tell she was thinking, “I nearly gave my famous family recipe to a self-professed H-O-M-O-S-E-X-U-A-L?! Can you imagine what Momma would think?”

I heard a LillianVernon catteelog drop. I stammered something, thanked her for her time and slammed down the phone. Wow. I might have some displaced holiday stress I might want to deal with.

WINTER WONDERLAND

We finally got the tree up. You don’t realize how much work this is each year until you find yourself dragging six storage tubs out of the garage. We have four, yes four artificial Christmas trees. One Chrome, one Silver, and two green. I guess that’s why we were driving around town for the perfect “fresh cut” tree. One lot was like a tree maze run by a (I’m sure) pedophile just out of a detention facility. The trees had a creepy abused look to them. And when you are searching for a green symbol of Christ’s birth, a creepy pedophile tree does not do it.

This is when the straight guy Steve comes out. Fuzzy looks at me and says,
“Uh….we don’t need a 12’ tree, by any means.”
“Yes, in these crazy times” I joyfully retort. “We definitely, without a doubt need a 12’ tree! We’re in a recession. We need to pay $123 bucks for something that will be dead in 3 weeks!” It keeps the economy running. Our duel income, no kids home will be the engine to get America humming again, Barack wants us to buy this tree!”

Sometimes if I throw enough “word vomit” at Fuzz he gives in. So we brought home our 12’ Christmas tree. Then, we spent the next six hours decorating this monster. I then sat Mr. blow up snowman on the front porch.

Have you seen the inflatable, glowing Christmas crap that everyone displays on their front lawns? Big billowing snowmen, elves, and happy penguins.

WHAT THE FUCK DO PENGUINS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!??!?!!?

At night it’s quite a cute little scene. A winter wonder land all blown up and bopping around to the forced air whooshing up their butts. But, during the day it’s another story. Driving through any upscale neighborhood it's a reenactment of Jim Jones goes to Christmas town. Dead, flat elves and snow people scatter the lawns like a mass suicide cult hit the North Pole. A massacre of merriment. One half-inflated penguin dragging its self off the lawn coughing out
“Don’t drink the Kristmas Kool-aide……..and I only live in Antarctica and parts of South America why am I even here?! Aaaaaaaaaghh!”

I feel bad for their ignorant cult joining asses as I drive by.

NEW LIFE CHURCH 1 year later

The Denver Local news is filled this week with the one year anniversary of the shootings at New Life Church. So I thought I’d remember Matthew Murray and the truth.
See New Life Church from 12/14/2007

After one year there is still not a peep about the true cause of these events.
See what happens when you suppress and crush gay youth.

December's list

We went to the Denver Parade of lights last Friday. We thought it to be cold, really freaking cold. So, we layered up, thermals and flannels, layer upon layer. By the time we got down to the City County building I had worked up such a sweat I wanted to strip right there on Colfax. Damn global warming!
The parade was actually quite cute. Bands, balloons, and floats waddled by. It also seemed that every “dance studio” in Denver drug their clod hopping chubettes down the street in angle wings.

This really was a great time. Six gay men, one straight guy and a 2 year old. We stood out, but damn everyone loves a parade. Here’s a bad IPhone pic
.

At the beginning of November I sent out a mass email laying out suggestions for every free moment in December. Now we’re down two, The Parade of lights and Fuzzy’s holiday concert which happened on Saturday. The highlight of that was when my IPhone started playing Colton Ford at full volume. Now we just have to trim the tree, make cookies, go to the Denver Gay men’s choirs (kicking and screaming) Zoo Lights and about a dozen other Christmas “festivities.” Man, is it January yet.

THE SNUGGIE

Have you seen the commercials for The Snuggie?




It's a blanket with sleeves. Wow, finally a solution to the dreaded blanket conundrum hitting America. Un-employment hits highs only attained under Ronald Reagan and yet our real problem of blankets not covering our bloated frames is solved.

I’m a junkie for infomercials. This stems from spending late night hours on the couch after coming home from the bath house to cram Taco Bell down my sad burrito supreme hole. I believe this is from hours on the couch as a kid watching the Ronco record cleaner. God, I wanted one of those!
As you can tell, when I see a great consumer insulting ad campaign, I’m hooked.
“Why yes, I have been searching my whole life for the amazing wonder mop!”

But as I picked up my credit card to order I stopped and thought "I've seen this somewhere before?" Then it hit me.
The 1976 movie Logan’s run.























Apparently you can spend $19.95 to look like you’re ready for Lastday. My favorite line,
Logan:
"You don't have to die! No one has to die at 30! You could live! LIVE! Live, and grow old! I've seen it!"
So, I'm six years late for Lastday? Damn, where does the time go.



Take a look at the last couple of seconds of this clip........

To quote Dixie Longate
"Oh, my ass is on fire!"

CRAIGSLIST

Two new Craig's list “missed connections”

Sexy Beast and the Black Hoodie - m4m (Mary's/Club M)
It was the night before THANKSGIVING . . .
It is quite sad that we should have to meet like this. I mean, we were ONLY ten feet away! Sure, all of that booty shakin' was makin' me sweat (hence the reason I put my BLACK, size SMALL, STUSSY hoodie on the chair with my scarf) But seriously, you could have just walked up and said, "Hey - NICE MOVES!" Instead you were a coward and moved in on my hoodie . . . Which had my RED SAMSUNG PHONE in the pocket! I do want to thank you for leaving the scarf though. It really kept me warm beneath my damp T-Shirt as I walked home that night - ALONE. Perhaps we could have walked home together? Guess now neither of us will ever know. If anyone knows the THIEVING MO-FO please tell him I desperately need my phone back! Keep the hoodie (with the buttons of a Monkey eating a banana & the Cow holding a gat - though they were my fav's) and please return the phone to Mary's -NO QUESTIONS ASKED.



Now, is this passive aggressiveness gone bitchy? Or did the guy like the creepy clepto? Is it just me or could you just picture the sad little Latino boy walking home alone, in the cold with only his sad scarf to keep him happy on Thanksgiving day. He needs a Snuggie.


Family Dollar on Broadway - m4m - 30
You checked me out today at Family Dollar - I was buying Christmas decorations for my office - my two crazy female assistants were with me - your name tag said "Fernando" you were cute, young, and hispanice. I was wearing a black sweater and black slacks... I would love to get you alone when things and people arent so crazy and get to know you... hope you find this!


Hi, I shop at the Family Dollar. I would like to tell everyone that I pickup guys who work at the Family Dollar. If this doesn’t work out, I’m going cruising at the DMV.

Randomness

All the boys met at Pappadeaux Restaurant for lunch. Kind of the last time over stuffing on seafood before Dalton heads back to New York. I got stuck in the cubical. Eating this.....



Square California rolls. Never buy sushi out of the back of a truck. Since I’ve eaten every two hours since last Thursday, I need to lose some weight.
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Last Friday Denver lit up the lights at City hall.....


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I think I hate Facebook.

Every time I log on there's another hot picture of hot Steve Meis.




He's a guy I "sort of" dated before Dalton when I lived in Dallas. He just gets hotter and hotter. You think back and wonder what did ya do to screw that up?

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Look!
Fuzzy found "elegant" glassware at the Kroger.


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Now, how about some Bagdad Cafe?

SORORITY GIRLS FROM HELL

As we sat around this holiday weekend the friends talked about the usual girl talk. Eventually the subject turned to how we spent our twenties. Or, wasted our twenties. Most of us stood around bars and tried to get laid. I spent most of this time at “Surf City” a beach themed bar with surf boards and fake nets everywhere. If I wasn’t there I was burning up the dance floor at The Metro. You’d find me wearing Guess jeans with a braided belt and sporting an over sized dress shirt, with a Structure tie. Now I know, I resembled a Cracker Barrel waiter, but then I was smooth and cool.

Standing around The Metro in my over sized braided belt hanging down my left thigh I would suck down Zimas and stare blankly at the video wall. Waiting for Sorority Girls From Hell to play. This video phenomenon was shared with most everyone sitting around the Thanksgiving table.
I thought I’d share it again with you. Just imagine you’re wearing a Chess King jacket and pants with two belts.

1987 was a very fine year

Having some extra time on my hands last weekend, I decided to go through some boxes of old photos. That's when I ran across this "amazing" memory from 1987. I'm on the left. This was taken after a trip to Gilley's in Houston, Texas. Yes, a family trip to the honky-tonk where they filmed Urban Cowboy. Classy. Could you tell I was going to grow up to be a HUGE fag? I worked over that hair for hours. It goes so well with my color block shirt. I guess I was getting ready for my career in Sears active wear modeling. I think I was screaming "HEY BITCHES!"

MY CHRISTMAS SWEATER

I don’t really talk about it in my Blog, for obvious reasons. But, my right arm is two feet longer than my left. Please don’t judge. So, being built like a sideshow freak can sometimes makes it hard to find quality cashmere sweaters. On the big shopping day last Friday I was excited to find a new store at the mall. Freaks “R” us. Finally I can find high quality, low priced fine cashmere.

Now I can go to the fabulous Christmas parties and fit in with the rest of the gays. I’m giggly inside just thinking about it. I picked out a fine grey V-neck I found a mannequin wearing. I took a picture to share with you.



I’m going to be the sharpest looking gay at the Christmas brunch.

Lights are twinkling away.

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Trapped at the mall.

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5AM Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I just had cheesecake for breakfast. Now, we're going shopping.

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Bag claim

Waiting at baggage claim. Dalton just said "I gotta pee, get my bag it's black with a tag."
There are now 400 bags I need to claim.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING

<

HARVEY MILK

Today I stumbled upon this quote. So, I just rudely lifted this directly from Heroes n Hunks.com; this is where I get my daily comic book fix.

"Somewhere in Des Moines or San Antonio there is a young gay person who all the sudden realizes that he or she is gay; knows that if their parents find out they will be tossed out of the house, their classmates will taunt the child, and the Anita Bryant’s and John Briggs’ are doing their part on TV. And that child has several options: staying in the closet, and suicide. And then one day that child might open the paper that says “Homosexual elected in San Francisco” and there are two new options: the option is to go to California, or stay in San Antonio and fight. Two days after I was elected I got a phone call and the voice was quite young. It was from Altoona, Pennsylvania. And the person said “Thanks”. And you’ve got to elect gay people, so that thousands upon thousands like that child know that there is hope for a better world; there is hope for a better tomorrow. Without hope, not only gays, but those who are blacks, the Asians, the disabled, the seniors, the us’s: without hope the us’s give up. I know that you can’t live on hope alone, but without it, life is not worth living. And you, and you, and you, and you have got to give them hope."

-Harvey Milk, 1978

In 1987 I found an article at the library. It was about the life of Harvey Milk. Up until I found this magazine, I really thought I was the only gay person on the planet. Reading this passage saved my life. Seriously, saved my life.
This is really what Thanksgiving is about.

It's BFFCarl cat.

SHOP TILL YA DROP

Captain Fuzz dragged me shopping again. We spent way to much time looking for the "perfect steak." The man knows his beef. That's why he chose me. Funny, they had all of these Angus beef steak stickers everywhere.



Hours... hours he walked around like this.

The call

Every year I get the call. So why this year I was blind sited, no clue. The IPhone started ringing Basshunter, I picked up and it was Mom. Damn! It was her twice yearly call to get me to come home. To have a nice Mormon Thanksgiving.

The Mom used every trick to have me join the passive-aggressive clan. It would of worked but fear is an amazing motivator. In mere seconds I spun a web of deceit, of an utter amazing lock tight alibi. Whooo.. that was a close one, a lie will set you free. Apparently I’m feeding children or releasing wolves back into the wild or feeding children to wolves. I said it was quick, not good. Yes, I lied to my mom. But this is after years of having the conversations and arguments about this topic. About my life, asking then demanding respect for my partners and myself. This really has not helped more then getting me hoarse. In the end I make a choice. Do I fight against their belief that if I show up, open my mouth around their kids they will be somehow turned septic? Or….. just say “No thank you.”
Chicken shit? Yeah. But so is, "Steve can come, but someone needs to tell him not to bring any of those friends."

I’ll be joining my real family for a great Turkey day over at Frank and Kevin’s. Family is not what is thrust upon you, as much as the family you create.