DESKTOP FRIDAY

What's on StevieB's desktop?



Stoopid duck. Try to sleep on the plane, it keeps staring at you. Stoopid duck.

BIRTHDAY STEVE

My Aunt Barbara sent this to me...

SQUAT

I did squats at the gym yesterday. I hate doing legs so I force myself to do legs/butt before anything else that day. This way I get the boring stuff done and move on to my favorite sets. Unfortunately, there was a twenty year old on the rack next to me doing squats using the proper technique. My way is to only drop half way and put my knees way out front. This is really bad for your body and cheating, but ya know……. I’ve been doing it this way for so long blah…blah… Until yesterday.

Mr. PlayLacrosseForDU was dropping and pressing at high speed. Maybe it was because I turn thirty-eight tomorrow, maybe because he was smoking hot. Let’s just say I barely made it from the parking garage to my desk this morning. I have pledged that I will only use the proper technique for legs, if this means less weight then I’m okay with that….unless someone is cruising me…then I’ll still put two extra plates on.

NICE RACK

Like you and the rest of America, last night I was glued to the TV to watch the Jersey Shore reunion special. Not since VH1 aired its Vanilla Ice Behind The Music have I seen such gripping dialogue.

When that was done sucking twenty minutes out of my very soul, I went online to shop for my Birthday present. My big day is this Thursday. Wheeeeeeeee! I immediately realized what I want-NO-need for my Birthday…




What a great way to get tricks to leave.

STEVIEB IN THE GRINDR

I haven’t talked much about the iPhone application called Grindr. Even though it’s brought such joy into my life as of late.

Last Thursday, Dalton and I were hanging out at Dazbog, the local homocentric coffee shop. After talking to cute little Howard, we settled in to some serious coffee chugging. This is when I launched my Grindr app and started to cruise the Moes.

Now, if you don’t have an iPhone or if you do have one and you’re too mature to use such childish things it’s simple. Grindr Locates the nearest Moe. By feet. You can then see who they are by their photo and stats without actually having to raise your head and join the human race. Great, I know. It’s also (for me anyway) a great way to round up 18 year olds who like to refer to me as Papi. Ummmm… No thanks, just resting.

I clicked on the first photo, meaning the closest Homo. Dalton asked what I was doing as I gyrated in my seat and started to look in my jacket and under my chair.

“This guy is 0 feet away from me!”

You’d think that if a hot dude is on top of you, you’d notice. But, I guess not.

A MURDER OF BUNNIES

I’ve got a huge frickin headache today, probably brought on by my work laptop dying a horrible death late last week. And yet it’s not repaired yet…

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

So, I’ll just shut the hell up today… Hey, have you heard of bunnies?



Get it? Herd/heard of bunnies? What? It’s the best I can do today.

Grumble, grumble, grumble.

HELPFUL HINTS FROM STEVIEB

For Christmas Jerrod slipped a jar of Baconnaise into my stocking. Baconnaise, the bacon flavored mayonnaise! Thinking “what the hell am I going to do with this crap” last night I invented the Baconnaise Quesadilla.

You simply take your flour tortilla (pronounced tor-till-a) and spread this amazing bacon scented mayo on both sides. Then sprinkle your cheese like product on one side. Smoosh the two tortillas together and pop that sucker into the toaster oven. Voila (pronounced Vi-ole-a) you’ve got dinner.

Now, I know what you’re going to say:
“Steve my friends are coming over dinner but, they’re all Vegetarians or Jews?!”

Well, Baconnaise is only bacon flavored. No bacon, so it can be enjoyed by your freakish friends.* So if you have the Family Home Teachers coming over tonight but a group of swishy, sodomites over tomorrow to watch Project Runway, You’ve got dinner for both groups. Simply serve, Baconnaise Quesadillas and wait for the complements.






*Consult your local rabbi.

OUR TOWN

Our little village loves acting like they’re a big mountain town. They are very proud of the new Library (pronounced Lie-berry) and the new “civic theater” which not that long ago was the Armory. Out are the wrestling matches, in is this seasons production of Our Town. How fitting.

They have a parade for every holiday, religious and secular. Upon the first frost they festoon the street lights with garland and wreaths. It’s beautiful, and really gets one into the holiday spirit.

Then Mid-January comes upon us, and Stevie and his Homosexual longtime companion lifetime partner, Fuzzy start counting down the days when they’ll take all the crap down.

It’s always down by Easter, but just how soon to Easter is where the game begins. We have a running bet. The loser pays for a steak dinner. It’s very exciting. I have faith that it’s be down on Valentine’s Day. Fuzz says much later. Maybe the streets will be decorated for St. Patrick’s Day with green and red wreaths? Who knows, it’s all very exciting. I’ll keep you updated, keep thinking Valentine’s Day.

DESKTOP FRIDAY

what have I been staring at all week? This...




The Fort Worth, Texas water gardens. I guess I've been in a Texas state of mind... Or since I'm having a birthday soon, maybe I'm thinking about Logan's Run.




Oh, If we're talking about Logan's Run watch the last two seconds on this clip...



"Oh my god, my ass is on fire!"

GYMUARY

We’re halfway through Gymuary. This is the month were everyone decides to join the gym. You walk into the gym and every treadmill is taken, the masses are pumping away the holiday pounds.

Fortunately, the free weights haven’t been invaded yet. Although yesterday was chest day and, as I walked up to the benches they all had plates left on the bars. The incline bench had a twenty-five and a ten stacked on one side and nothing on the other. Did some queen start to take the weight off and just gave up half way through? It doesn’t take much to see how putting heavy weights on one side on a metal bar and nothing on the other is a set up for a concussion.

Since all the bars had weights on them I grumbled having to un-rack before using. This made me a little cranky, so when the tiny queen came over halfway through my second set to inform me “he was using that bench” I probably sounded gruff when I stated that, “no, he was not using it. He was across the gym doing a completely different machine. If he’d like he can work in.” After explaining what “working in” meant, he declined.

Let’s just say I can’t wait for February.

IRON CHEF STEVIEB

I have no idea when I started to enjoy cooking; it’s really been a recent development. I guess there comes a time in a guy’s life when he comes to a crossroads of chicken nuggets for eternity or making stuff that he actually likes. Last night it was Thai peanut sauce with stir-fry.

Dalton introduced me to Vietnamese and Thai food when we lived in Dallas, we would make a weekly trip to The Green Papaya restaurant on Oak Lawn. If you’re ever in Dallas, check it out. The spring rolls are the best I’ve ever had. This is where I started my love affair with Vietnamese/Thai and peanut sauce.

Aaaaaaaghh……spring rolls.
(To be said out loud like Homer Simpson)

I was a little embarrassed when I discovered how easy was it was to make this incredible sauce. Just peanut butter and a couple of other easy ingredients, and within twenty minutes I had a veggie stir-fry I was pretty frickin proud of, and the better half was able to scarf down. Now spring rolls….that may take a quantum leap for me, but it’s next on the Stevie food challenge.

I HAVE GAS

I’m kind of freaking out this morning. It was last Wednesday that I visited a gas pump. Is this how it is, normal people don’t have to fill up their car’s gas tank every third day? At forty bucks a visit. Damn it! Now I have to figure out what to do with the extra money.

My commute is around one-hundred miles a day, not including trips to the gym, comic book store, and endless loops around the local gay park, Cheesemen. This morning I first thought something was wrong with the new car, how can I be at half a tank…. The mileage is saying I’ve driven two-hundred and fifty miles. Huh, that’s what happens when you don’t drive a Jeep with big honkin tires.

Well, you watched it, Doctor Who regenerated. We now get to wait until late spring to see the new Doctor, Matt Smith take over the role. David Tennant left the role the way he lived it, whining, “I don’t want to go!” Sorry if you’re a David fan, I just prefer my Doctor to be emotionally stunted. “I’ve committed genocide and wiped out my entire species!” Big deal, I’ve like done that three times, no biggie.

Have a great day, if you need me I’ll be driving around trying to use up gas.

SUMMER DAZE

January. There are two things being talked about right now in our house. Three…three things being talked about in our house.
Why did we spend so much money in December?!
Where do we want to go for our birthday dinner?
What the heck do we want to do for vacations this summer?

The last goes like this…
“What should we do this summer?”
“I don’t know, something fun. “
“Like what?”
“Uh…what do you want?”
“Uh…something fun.”

This goes on for hours. What to do in 2010. Well since I have my new luxury automobile there is a call for road trips. The Texas State Fair is in September, that’s high on the list. I’m also trying to talk the other half, Fuzzy, into a road trip to Seattle in August. Jerrod n Mike want to do a “Beach House” week at Mike’s parents place. “Uh…… Drive to Seattle.” Was the only comment.
Fuzzy, has a convention for work in DC late in the summer. I could go be a conventioneer’s wife. See the sites of DC again whilst I wait for Fuzz to get out of some stuffy hotel banquet hall. Oh, I’ll need a hat.

DESKTOP FRIDAY

The very first Desktop Friday for 2010. Can we agree to call it twenty-ten not Two thousand and ten? Please?

What’s been on StevieB’s computer desktop, you ask? This…




Yep, it’s bathhouse rules and regulations. Sent to me by an undisclosed friend.

STEVIEB GROWS UP

After quite a while of the better half poking me with a pointy stick I broke down and bought a new automobile. This is how I can tell I’m turning thirty-eight in 21 days, I bought a car. A four door car.

This ends the string of four-wheel drive trucks/Jeeps I’ve had my entire adult life. But, I figure that I’m manly enough now that I don’t need a four by four to prove the size of my enormous schlong.

I went looking on YouTube for a video to introduce the new StevieBmobile. What I found was this….




Did I just buy a car or sign up for a Korean boxer’s fan club? Maybe both? Wow, the Kia Optima. A car endorsed by a ruggedly handsome Korean fighter. I’m cool with that.

CRANK IT

Cue Linda Lavin…

I used to be sad, I used to be shy
Funniest thing, the saddest part is I never knew why...
Kickin' myself for nothin' was my favorite sport
I had to take off, start enjoyin' 'cause life's too short

Cue bass guitar…

There's a new girl in town, 'cause I'm feelin good.
Get a smile, get a song, for the neighborhood
Things are great when you stand on your own two feet
and this girl's here to say
with some luck and love life's gonna be
so sweeeeeeeeeet!


After years of poking with a pointy stick, my Friend/Ex/Taco Bell buddy Dalton has started a blog. I know! Right! So check it out, love it, link to it. Pet Dalton like a bunny. It’s an art/graphic design blog based on his Texas/New York Bear hunting sensibilities. CRANK166.blogspot.com

Now picture him driving from New York in a station wagon and having it overheat in Denver, Colorado….

5 On The Fifth

This month’s theme was Water. Please check out the other 5's from around the world. A huge thanks to Stephen at The State Of The Nation UK blog.


Tuna in water. That's all I eat these days...


What I get to walk through until spring...


More time wasted hanging out at the local diner...


Bunnies drink water...


What? His head was wet.

Resolutions 2010

Can I tell you how hard it is to get up at 4:30AM to get to work after sleeping in for two weeks straight? Hard, it’s frickin hard?

Well it’s 2010, time for resolutions. Is it? I have the same resolutions I had last year. Pretty much met them as well, I was scared about the lose ten pounds thing but, in the end of November eating nothing but cans of tuna and peanut butter spread on playing cards, I pulled it off. For 2010 it’s the whole “gain two inches in the shoulders and arms, and eat a breakfast burrito at Pete’s Kitchen on Colfax Ave. High aspirations I know. Not to get all Susan Powter on you but, shouldn’t we be bring our best all the time not just on January 1st?

Which reminds me, twenty-four days until my 38th birthday.

It’s nice to be back. I’ve kind of missed you. Weird hu?

MEGATRON

And we’re back…. Whoo. Thought the Christmas break would never end. Days sleeping in, having fun with friends. Thank God that’s over. Well, next Monday anyway, I went into the office yesterday. Yeah, tumbleweeds started blowing across the lobby. Today I work from home, typing in the nude. Love it.

We took the tree down in record time this year, about twenty minutes after we came home from Christmas. Mostly because we needed the floor space, also because I get really depressed when seeing a tree sans its pressies, speaking of which here’s Steve countdown list:
Let’s countdown Steve’s top five best but, incredibly nerdy Christmas presents….
5) Two words: Carpenter Jeans
4) A red T-shirt with the word COMMUNIST printed across the chest.
3) Season eight of DALLAS the TV series
2) A Police Call Box print T-shirt
And the number one pressie...
1) Transformers underwear, with MEGATRON printed across the ass.

And before you start asking for a photo essay of Steve rump inscribed with Megatron, I’m not that kind of girl….Okay so I am. Yes! Stop asking I put them up later…

I hope y’all had a great time of it. What’s the plan for New Years anyway? Are you hosting one of your famous parties? Can I come to your house and eat all of your shrimp cocktail?

Christmas Evie

*NSFW*

Rocky Mountain snow

There's nothing like a Christmas Eve, eve snow.

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

HOCKEY, GAY HOCKEY

Dalton and I went to find something to do in our town.



And we're very sorry...making you watch this. I will not happen again.

ASTI SPUMANTE, YOU AND ME

Last Friday I did something I only do once a year. Not leaving the house. Not for breakfast, not for the gym. Amazing. Instead, the Sweet Baboo and I laid upon the super-squishy elle shaped sofa of love and watched every Christmas movie on the DVR. An entire day of Christmas movie mayhem, Well that and old Doctor Who. Poor Fuzzy had to switch from Olive, The Other Reindeer to The Genesis of the Daleks. Without a word of pain, that truly was a Christmas Miracle.

We were hosting our fantastic Christmas Soirée on Saturday and really needed to rest up, at least that’s what I told myself when I started thinking that Friday was trap and lat day at the gym. But, really when do you get a day to spend super quality time with your homosexual life partner. To hell with my dumbbell shrugs.

The big party last Saturday went great; it seems people had a lot of fun. But, cheap champagne will guarantee a good time. If you consume enough of it; man I love Asti Spumante. The only thing to make it better is to drink it out of a paper cup. Heaven. I took a lot of pictures, and then stared at my camera for two minutes wondering how the camera was going to get them on the web. When I turned to ask Dalton how photos appear on Facebook he suggested that the first step would be to put down my drink.

Today starts my two day work week. Man, I fricken love Christmas.

DESKTOP FRIDAY

What's been on your neighborhood Stevie B's desktop this week?



A co-worker walked by my cubical this week and said "Well, nice Christmas photo."

HAUNTED HOMES

My latest addiction on television has been the British show Haunted Homes. It’s a reality show centered on psychic Mia Dolan and how she helps normal everyday folks with really loud, ugly wallpaper come to terms with their haunted houses.

Every episode has a new family terrified of their own house due to a ghost that walks the halls and disturbs them as they sleep. I watch it because every episode has a new family living in complete denial of the hideous decorating skills. It makes me wonder, are their no wallpapers steamers in the UK? It’s like Lady Diana put up some jewel-tone boarder in 1995 and every house wife in a semi-detached followed suit.

Sorry, what were we talking about? Oh yeah, ghosts. Good show, I love Mia. When she’s all crying trancelike I just want to hug her. That and it’s hosted by a little gay boy in leather. It’s on the Fine Living channel in the US and ITV2 in the UK.

FUN IN TWENTY DEGREES

We went to Zoo Lights at the local Zoo. For the hot chocolate and to hang out in twenty degree weather with friends. Jerrod took a great photo...



I have to say this is the best picture of me that I've seen in awhile. I'm thinking I'm just going to start wearing a burka. I'd start posing for pictures all the time.

STOCKING STUFFER

“Can you call my phone?”

I hollered this up the stairs last Friday night. I couldn’t find my phone all day on Friday and was just recovering from cold sweats and the shakes. Not being connected to the interwebs for the day had taken its toll on me. I had been constantly scratching my left wrist while rocking back and forth. All the time wondering why my baby hadn’t gained any weight. Now it was time to look around the house. Again.

“Yes, just call it.” I snapped, wondering if Lassie had it this hard.

I turned and went to dig through the dog’s food bag, the only place that I hadn’t looked. Dragging my hand to the bottom of the bag I suddenly turned to the face the dog. He had a look of either guilt from stealing my phone or of confusion from me molesting his food. Then, the theme song to the TV show Dallas started to waft through the air; quiet at first then growing louder. I turned to the Shar-pei and he said, “That’s your phone!” As I turned to run towards the sound of my beloved. Halfway up the stairs the only sound louder than my ring tone was Fuzzy declaring;

“Oooh, what’s this!”

As I entered the bedroom the only person more crestfallen would have been Anna Karenina as she spied her lover being sent off to the front by a younger woman. There in Fuzzy’s left hand was my phone in his right was a huge box of fine chocolate. The chocolate I had purchased and hidden in the back of my underwear drawer for his Christmas stocking.

Last Thursday I bought a great box of his favorite chocolates excited to see him discover them in this stocking on Christmas morn. I guess I was so caught up in the guilt of hiding things when I placed my phone on the box and shoved the whole thing under my underwear. I then spent the next ten minutes trying to explain that NO, I did not hide the chocolate and phone as a romantic game.

“Sugar butt. Thanks for assuming that I’m that clever. You know me; I’m just not that smart." True.

THE ANNUAL CHRISTMAS RANT

Ahh, mid December. It’s time to gather around and listen to Uncle Steve’s annual Christmas rant…..

WHAT THE FUCK DO PENGUINS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!?!?

Have you seen the inflatable, glowing Christmas crap that everyone displays on their front lawns? Big billowing snowmen, elves, and happy penguins.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK DO PENGUINS HAVE TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!?

At night it’s quite a cute little scene. A winter wonderland all blown up and bopping around to the forced air whooshing up their butts. But, during the day it’s another story. Driving through any upscale neighborhood it's a reenactment of Jim Jones goes to Christmas town. Dead, flat elves and snow people scatter the lawns like a mass suicide cult hit the North Pole. A massacre of merriment. One half-inflated penguin dragging its self off the lawn coughing out
“Don’t drink the Kristmas Kool-aide……..and I only live in Antarctica and parts of South America why am I even here?! Aaaaaaaaaghh!”

I feel bad for their ignorant cult joining asses as I drive by.

DESKTOP FRIDAY

What's been my computer's desktop photo this week you ask?




I found it here. It's Tokyo right before a Godzilla attack.

GROWLLL GAGK

When I leave for work the better half is still peacefully dreaming away. All warm and happy with the dog. This makes me really want to fuck with his head, sometimes. Mostly I tell him I love him and to have a great day, sometimes I go a little mental.

Today was one of those days. As I leaned over to kiss him I growled low into his ear, then deeply growled Gggggggrrrowllllged, awwwwrgh grooooooolg.
I guess he was a little more awake then I thought because he said in a normal voice.

“What are you doing?”

"Uh…….saying I love you in Wookie….Growlll gagk.”

There was complete silence as I finished with my gym bag. Then I heard through the dark.

“Your Jedi powers are useless on me; I’m not telling you what you got for Christmas.”

And that folks is why we love the guy.