FROZEN DEAD GUY

Last Saturday we attended the Frozen Dead Guy Days up in frozen tundra of Nederland, Colorado. This is an annual festival to celebrate Nederland’s favorite frozen dead guy. Here’s the link if you want all the facts as to why a small mountain town would have a parade in honor of an elder gentleman who had his carcass frozen. Let’s just say that it’s the Rocky Mountains and in small mountain towns people just do that kind of stuff. And, by that stuff I mean, being Cryogenically frozen. Then stored in a Tuff Shed awaiting flying cars.

The adventure was part of Jerrod’s birthday weekend, to stand in the cold and drink beer. I have to say it was actually pretty damn fun. We found a bar that had a huge gaggle of gays. Much to the surprise of the local alcoholics. At one point a 5’4” mostly drunk , drunk punched Jerrod stating something about fags. Of course one look from Jerrod of “I’m three times larger than you and the four muscled guys next to me are more than ready to step in.” Stopped any bar fight from starting. Man, I kind of wished he threw a punch. Just so I could blog about it. So, here’s a picture of us, standing in the snow, drinking beer. In the snow….did I mention snow? Good times.

HOSPITAL

I spent yesterday at the hospital visiting a friend. Nothing serious, just a hospital stay. It was one of those days where the person sleeps all day and you spend hours watching them drool. There is something about hospital rooms that lullS you in to a catatonic state. The quite beep of the morphine drip, the pastel color scheme. It’s enough to drive you mad.

To pass the time I would wander down to the gift shop or the cafeteria. I love cafeteria food; it has something to do with eating off of a tray. Maybe this has to do with my prison fantasy, who knows. Maybe, it’s the childhood eating at Luby’s. Or, both. As I munched away on my tuna salad sandwich, I realized that I was be visually undressed by a guy across the cafeteria. It was Captain Jack Sparrow, in scrubs. Hot or creepy? It left me perplexed.

I soon decided that my friends’ room was in desperate need for balloons. Just to cheer the friend up I sashayed across the room and mimicking RuPaul declared

“This place needs Mylar! “

And since I didn’t notice the nurse standing behind me, I decided that right then would be a good time to visit the gift shop. That’s when I found Mona. She was a 120year old Jewish gift shop hostess. In a Stefanie Powers wig. I snapped a picture when she wasn’t looking. I know bad Steve, but I wanted to show you how cute she was. This is what Stefanie Powers will look like in 2029. You’re welcome.

Kenmore gods

Fuzzy and I have an agreement. I leave the stove top a “greasy ungodly mess” and he can't change toilet paper rolls. I honestly can’t stand doing anything in the kitchen unless I’m watching him make me a chocolate cake. Seems fair. Any recipes I've used started with, locate your kitchen.

So, it’s not that often that I have a chance to ruin his world by leaving spatter on his beloved range top. But when I get this chance I make it my effort to smear. This gives Fuzzy the chance to relive his college days when he would spend hours buffing out the hood of his Camaro. Yes, he had a tricked out Camaro. I think he compensated for being a music major by screeching around in a hopped up muscle car. So, now he can spend hours after I cook buffing the shine into his baby. While, cursing my name to the gods of Kenmore.

To balance out the universe he has no ability on how to put a new roll of toilet paper near where I can reach it. Zipping through Bach's Toccata and Fugue? Ovation after ovation. Remembering to change the TP roll. Nope. Not that I’ve told him it anything about this. It’s like that quote from the Simpsons:

“I’ve tried everything but talk to him, and I’m all out of ideas!”
So instead of having an adult conversation with him, I think I’ll try this:

From Passive-Aggressive Notes, of course.

Hello, is it Varla Jean Merman you're looking for?

Isn't it time for some Varla Jean Merman?





Or, Lionel Richie. Whatever. Seriously, it there anything this brawd can't do? Well, I haven't seen it. No siree Bob.







She's a Drag Queen. But funny. Check out her site, it will cheer you up. And trust me, you need it.

MANLY CITIES

The Associated Press released a story that ran on Denver's 7news.

No IKEA, a high level of sports teams, and monster truck rallies? Sounds like a nightmare to me. So, the AP just called me unmanly. To which I say:

“Get Her!”


Here’s the list of the Top 50 Manliest Cities:
1. Nashville, Tenn.
2. Charlotte, N.C.
3. Oklahoma City
4. Cincinnati
5. Denver
6. St. Louis
7. Columbus, Ohio
8. Kansas City, Mo.
9. Indianapolis
10. Toledo, Ohio
11. Memphis, Tenn.
12. Richmond, Va.
13. Columbia, S.C.
14. Orlando, Fla.
15. Dayton, Ohio
16. Salt Lake City
17. Milwaukee
18. Minneapolis
19. Cleveland
20. Detroit
21. Jacksonville, Fla.
22. Phoenix
23. Birmingham, Ala.
24. Grand Rapids, Mich.
25. Tampa-St. Petersburg, Fla.
26. Harrisburg, Pa.
27. New Orleans
28. Las Vegas
29. Pittsburgh
30. Philadelphia
31. Louisville, Ky.
32. Atlanta
33. Providence, R.I.
34. Dallas
35. Buffalo, N.Y.
36. Rochester, N.Y.
37. Baltimore
38. Boston
39. Houston
40. Seattle
41. Sacramento, Calif.
42. Miami
43. San Diego
44. Oakland, Calif.
45. Washington, D.C.
46. Chicago
47. Portland, Ore.
48. San Francisco
49. Los Angeles
50. New York

Who knew? Apparently having too many home furnishing
stores like Ikea in your city is a sign of being "unmanly."
At least that's the conclusion of a study released Thursday by Sperling’s BestPlaces that ranks "America's Manliest Cities" on criteria such as the number of professional major league sports teams, popularity of tools and hardware, and frequency of monster truck rallies. Denver came in fifth, New York City finished last out of 50
of the largest U.S. metropolitan areas.

The Family Silver

Remember when Fuzz had to have a talk with me about the Family silver? This is what was really happened.
Oh, it's not safe for work. Or, NSFW. Really, really unsafe for work. In fact if your reading this now at work you should turn your computer off right now........Or just click here.

 

Man, I miss Oz.

A BAD ENGLISH BEAT SONG

When rolling through the profiles on your local man 2 man social site, you see a lot of amazing slabs of man meat. You also see a lot of weird, creepy and just puzzling pictures of gay men in their natural habitat. There’s complete sites devoted to just this phenomenon. I’ve stated this before but honestly I sometimes like these pics better than page after page of hot muscle. A muscled guy in a basement is great, but a muscled guy standing next to a laundry basket full dirty T-shirts whilst a cat desperately tries to escape the shot by crawling out the drier vent, now that’s art.
The Grant Wood of profile pics is the mirror self portrait. When guys suck in their proverbial guts to snap a glimpse of what they would look like shirtless, in the bathroom after losing ten pounds holding a cell phone. DeadRobot said once:
“Don’t these guys have friends to snap a picture?”
Well, I have to admit I have a lot of these pictures, chances are if you’ve had me in your house I’ve got a picture of me in your bathroom mirror. Wearing your fur. Okay, not really but I sooo would. If you had a mink. So, even though I’m sure you’ve seen my BMB profile I thought I’d share the Dork Fest!


This one is from way back. I loved that little phone. I think this was taken at Broadway BodyWorks. If you look close enough, I’m cross eyed. That’s a turn on when you’re cruising.

Am I pretending I’m in the Army? Is this Iraq? Or is that a fifty dollar shower curtain behind me. “Uh, this guy can’t even handle using a camera and looking in a mirror whilst flexing.” Pretty, not smart.


Ooooo look at the hottie! Uhm, I can’t keep my pants on? Still, no cognitive ability to smile at the mirror, sad really. At this point my mom walked in a screamed at me. Just kidding. My Mom doesn't use Axe.

And the latest version, Kitty gonna get that phone. Do they still have Glamour Shots in the mall? I’m thinking that I need to pay them a visit. At what point do I stop and say I’m too dumb to handle the complex configuration of a camera, a mirror and a husky gay man? It took me hours to get my twenty dollar hotel towel to hang like that.

HELEN KELLER

Without going into too much detail let’s set the scene of today’s Stevie tail in a public bathroom stall. During the festivities I decided to blow my nose. As I started to blow I inadvertently sucked in a large portion of toilet tissue into my mouth. I grossed out and started to gag, “Gaaack, gawwwwck, gaaaaaag!”
Then, I tried to spit all the gooey tissue out of my now dry mouth. As I spit and spit and spit I soon realized that my next door neighbor was making uncomfortable noises of his own.
“Uhhh, what the hell are you doing?”
Jesus, the next guy over is barking at me! What do I say? Spitting out toilet tissue? Something’s stuck to the top of my mouth and I can’t get it out? Say "Dude, it got into my mouth!" Damn! Quickly I decided that I was going to pretend I was Helen Keller. Unable to speak nor hear. This means I cannot comprehend the noises I was making and could not hear his question to answer it. I just sat there, a deaf-mute until the disembodied voice, left. Once again Helen Keller saved my life. Is there anything Helen Keller can’t do?

1989

On Sunday morning I went to for coffee at Daz Bog on 9th. I hung out for a while and played with my iPhone. Just a casual Morning, the weather in Denver has been amazingly mild. After spending a relaxing morning I decided to go hang out with BFF Carl. Hopping in the Jeep I sped up Downing, as I got to 11th Ave. I found myself cruising a guy at the corner. He was hot, skinny and young but hot. Then I had a gay flashback. In 1989 I got my first apartment with Ed on this street at that corner. Man, was it really twenty years ago?
“Picture it…. Sicily 1928.”
Eddy and I decided to get a place together. How hard could it be? A tiny studio, it only lasted 6 months but it was my first apartment and my first love. Both, I got evicted from.
The car’s horn behind me was the only thing that got me back from twenty years of memory.
“What happened to Eddy?” I said out loud as I move through the green light. Then I nervously started to laugh, it wasn’t that long ago. It was just yesterday that I stood on that corner wearing my Z Cavariccis cruising guys in Jeeps as they sat at that light.

Shar-puddle

The dog is not an early riser.

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

Noodle house

Creepy noodle house with stuffed animals on the lights. Fuzzy made us leave after he ate the five year old egg.

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

Fuzzy Squirrel Friends

It’s casual Friday here at the old cubical ranch. This means I’m sporting my black Pumas and jeans. The wrong jeans, the jeans that I thought were grabbed are nice, clean, and not at all slutty. But somehow I ended up at work in bar jeans. The ones with the hole right below my ball sack.

I’d take a picture but, I really don’t want someone to casually walk into my cube asking if I’d seen the Doughnut man woman, to catch me holding my iPhone in one hand and my manly over sized testicular sack in t’other. Not really, anyway. Me thinks this may be a “work from home” day. As I walk out with my bag over the Stevie Fun Zone. My fuzzy squirrel friends peeking out to see if there’s six more weeks of winter.

The former CEO of Qwest, Joe Nacchio who ran the communications company for a chunk of the western U.S. had his insider trading conviction reinstated today. A jury convicted Nacchio in 2007 of 19 counts of insider trading. Federal prosecutors alleged Nacchio sold $52 million worth of stock at a time when he knew Denver-based Qwest Communications was at risk while other investors did not. Nacchio could be ordered to begin serving a 6-year prison sentence.


Now why do we care about this? Besides the retirees who lost huge amounts of their retirement due to the down turn of Qwest. I’ve been following this story since it started in the court. And, every photo or video show Nacchio grinning away with that damn dead cat on his head.



Could this be the worst toupee ever? Does that rotting kitty fool anyone? So, every step in the judicial process gets me more excited for the day he heads to prison. That means he has to surrender Fluffy as a deadly weapon. I’m giggly with excitement. The big COE getting his comeuppance.
But seriously, don’t sell your multimillion dollar stock right before your companies’ economic downturn. That’s bad. Also, don’t waste your nights lurking around the alleys of Denver for cats to glue to your head. That’s really bad.

YOU HAD ME AT GAG!

Have you heard of phone companies where instead of a ring tone, you can choose a song to play? Today I called “Bubba” his ring tone was:

Kenny Chesney’s You Had Me from Hello.

When he picked up all he heard was me gagging.

"I'm sucking all the proteins from your brain, Human."

Rupaul's Drag Race

I getting tired of news this week. I’m like you, on DirectTV’s channel 104 flipping through the news channels like a video game. Every newscast, every talking head, and every NPR topic is about their take on the stimulus bill. Fox News was blaring in my works lobby; today some overweight white guy was screaming that:

“Obama has set up a chain reaction that will cause dogs and cats to live together, Hall to put out another album with Oates and blood to rain from the sky!”

Well, that’s what he meant anyway. That’s why I’m so happy that Rupaul’s Drag Race came to rescue me from reality.


I love this show; Rupaul is cute like a 7’ bunny. But, today I saw on the Feast of Fools forums that some site has the results and posted who won. A site called The Drag Queen Posse is trying to spoil the fun by stealing Rupaul’s thunder. Seriously? You’d think that as Drag Queens they would want to honor the mystery and elusion. When one of these Drag Queens comes onstage do they say?

“Welcome to the stage………Ralph!”

No. No they don’t. And yet when this site has a chance to run a spoiler, they do just for an instant to feel bigger than Rupaul. When I was eight, I snuck into the living room weeks before Christmas and opened my presents, when I opened them for real on Christmas morn; man the excitement was just completely gone. I’m going to watch every episode and I can’t wait to find out.

WEEKEND IN REVIEW

Sometimes you have a thought shoot through your head like “Damn I’m old!” This happened this weekend when I was watching Logo. Clicking away at my Mac I had Logo’s music videos blaring away in the background. At some point I happened to look up at a video that I liked. I soon realized that I had no idea who the girl was but, as I watched I was transfixed by the dancing. “Wow, she’s good. I hope she makes it.” As it ended I watched for the artist and title:

Beyonce – Single Ladies.

Great. Maybe is should come out of my Punxsutawney Phil like den every once in great while and see what’s going on. Man cannot live on Colton Ford and The Pet Shop boys alone.

Saturday we attended an African Drum and Marimba concert. I later realized how good it was, as I never took out my IPhone to check Dead Robot's or anyone else’s blog. I never even went onto the The Feast of Fools.net to check the forums. It must have been a good concert. I guess ADD boy was placated.

Sunday BFFCarl and I met Michelle and her dauther, little Raven at the Denver Zoo. A baby Giraffe had been born and Michelle wanted to bond. Super Kawaii! As we walked towards the "non-exciting" part of the zoo Michelle turned in casual conversation and mentioned:
"Did you hear about the Buffaloes killed by an airplane?"
Me- "Uh what?"
"I guess fifty Buffalo where killed when a plane crashed on them."
Me- "Uh what"
"Poor Buffalo."
Me- Uh what....Are you sure you don't mean, fifty people where killed when an airplane crashed in Buffalo....New York?"
"Well as long as the buffalo are okay."

All in all it was a pretty great weekend of hanging out in Denver. Now it’s back to the Cubical.

I thought I’d share images from the Internets:



First is an unusual sculpture showing a large boulder smashed on top of a car on a round-a-bout near Walsh Bay on Sydney Harbour. (Photo credit GREG WOOD/AFP/Getty Images) Now, the funny thing is this is a daily occurrence in Colorado. Yet this is a sculpture in Sydney.



The second is a good friend of mine from Failblog:


Oh yea!

I snapped this yesterday on my long daily wait to get home:


Finally is a plug for Dalton James' art auction going on right now on Facebook:




He's selling a collection of these pieces to move the hell away from NYC. If you need some amazing art for your wall, take a look. Now ya have to go onto Facebook, and you have to be a friend of Dalton James' but it will be worth your time. Tell'm StevieB sent ya!!

THINGS BEARS LOVE

A big thanks to Carl on the heads up to this site......

Things Bears Love

AUSTIN ZOMBIES

Isn't it comforting to know that Texdot is keep us informed on the herd migration of zombies?




Ya know, I saw a "Keep Austin Weird" bumper sticker on a SUV the other day. I loved my KAW bumper sticker. Do I now need to do a Austin stop when we do our Texas State Fair road trip to pick up another sticker? Yes, I'm already counting down the days until Texas State Fair corn dogs!

[insert Homer Simpson*AAAAAAAAAAAAGH* here]

Let me know if you wanta meet up, how could you say no to deep fat fried Oreos?



Deep fried Oreos AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH......

Rrrrr Bears

Last Wednesday I decided to work from home. Somehow, my work laptop wouldn’t log into my home wireless. This lead me to destroying the porn delivering WWW box beyond repair. No World Wide Web for Stevie! Since then I’ve been watching the driveway for UPS to deliver the new DSL box. I nearly jumped the hottie in brown for my package.

Valentines day was pretty great. We spent Saturday until 3PM in bed watching all season four of Dallas. Exciting, I know! So now it’s Tuesday. Presidents’ day was pretty low-key, I was at the gym when a muscled up bear started cruising me pretty hard. I kept thinking,
“Why is this guy staring at me? Maybe he’s waiting for this bench?”
I love the 24-hour fitness on Alameda! Apparently 10AM is the Muscle Bear hour. Last Sunday morning I was at DazBog, sitting next to a gaggle of Queens. One said
“Let’s wait awhile, let’s give the Rrrrrrbears a chance to leave the gym.”

RrrrrBears, I loves dat!

Shop-O-Mart

Ah, the thrift store. Nothing better than the smell of poor people in the morning. We took a trip to our local Thrift-O-Mart last weekend. The new one on Broadway is kind of swanky. Here’s a lovely pic of the window display…..



Stunning, I know. Simplistic, yet early Target divine.

They had five copies of The Santa Claus. Just in case you need one, let me know I’ll pick it up for you, since you won’t be caught dead in a thrift store. Here’s a pic of Saggy butt Elmo…….




Ewwwww!

So in these economic times, we are in a recession ya know. Do you Thrift Shop? Would you admit it on a blog? Every time we leave this type of establishment BFFCarl turns and states "Can I get a handy wipe? I that too much, just a warm moist towelette?"

FEED ME

Can I just say I’m starving. I’ve started a new diet plan to get back down to my fighting weight. I’m pretty much eating every two hours, not huge meals but every two hours I eat an apple, a handful of carrots, or six gallons of Jello. You know, the normal stuff. But the more I keep up the every two hours thing, the more famished I get. Last night I ate a full container of cottage cheese, six eggs, a grilled chicken breast, streamed broccoli and nearly took the dog's treats from his mouth. And still, I went to bed starving.

I mean it’s working, I’m shedding weight. Also, my jaw is getting tired from all the celery.

MST3K

Remember Mystery Science Theater 3,000? Man I wasted a lot of Saturday mornings watching this show.
Here's a highlight reel.....



So, you can tell how I spent my weekend. In my wasted weekend watching You Tube MST3K, I can across one of the films which seamed familiar. If you're a geek who knows Denver history. Minute 8:44 is a street scene of Denver in the 1950s, it's Broadway at 11th ave. You'll see the 11th Avenue hotel on the right.

Super StevieB

This is my new favorite toy.

The StevieB

This is your friendly StevieB out on patrol...



The Hero Factory
check it out!

Klingon attack

This was posted on Denver Channel Seven’s website yesterday:

COLORADO SPRINGS, Colo. -- Colorado Springs police are looking for a man who hit two 7-Eleven convenience stores early Wednesday, armed with a Klingon sword.
The first robbery was reported at 1:50 a.m., at 145 N Spruce St. The clerk told police a white man in his 20s, wearing a black jacket, blue jeans and wearing a black mask, entered the store with a weapon the clerk recognized from the Star Trek TV series.
The robber demanded money and left with an undisclosed amount.

A half hour later, police received a call from a 7-Eleven at 2407 N. Union Blvd., where a man matching the previous description entered the store with a similar weapon. He also demanded money from the store clerk. The clerk refused and the robber ran off.
Both clerks described the weapon as a Star Trek Klingon type sword, called a "Batleth."
Neither clerk was injured in the robberies.




Why, I ask is Colorado Springs so freaking weird!! I’m telling you, it’s the damn Focus on the Family headquarters. They’re driving the populous insane.

Weather and Jesus Feast

Man, the weather in Denver has been amazing this week. If I wasn’t such a pessimist I would be having some spring fever. All week in the 60s, and no snow to trudge through. Remember when I brought a four-wheel drive for the winters? Huh.


I officially lost the “Holiday Decorations” bet. This was between Captain Fuzz and me on when our quaint little town would take down the cities Christmas decorations. Not Holiday, but Christmas décor. Plastic trees and Santas bolted onto every street light. To quote Daria
“Yeah.”

I said that they would finally sober up and remove any trace of Jesus-feast by my birthday. Wrong! Still there! All sparkly and gay. And by that I mean Christ-like not Sodimite-like. Now I’m pushing for Valentine’s Day!

Please, white trash city leaders just hold out until V-day!! Just in time for the Cinco De Mayo decorations to be hung to every vertical surface on main street.

FOOTBALL

We did watch the Super bowl on Sunday. There were a couple of us trying to figure out the whole heterosexual mess. We got that the Dusty Cranberries were vengeful towards the Goldenrods. When did they change the fabric make up of their tights so you can’t see Jock strap lines? Seriously?


So, we spent the remainder of the match tiring to figure out the scoring system. We decided that they got more point based on the amount of dancing they did in the colored zone. The more flips and gyrations the more points. Got it! It was like being stoned and watching Curling, we weren’t sure how the whole “inning” thing and yard thing worked. Mostly was sat and pick out our future boyfriends. Whilst eating pizza rolls. All and all it was pretty cool. Until Bruce Springsteen started bellyaching. Who picked him for the Half-time show? The overly made up Cougars in the “player’s wives section” they kept cutting too?

All in all we had fun. I ate way too much crudeta or veggie plate for all you non-footballers and, the goldenrods won by a…. by a… dancing end zone thing.

THIRTY-SEVEN

How was your weekend? On Saturday we went to Pappadeaux for a gay family dinner. Pappadeaux is one of those high-end chain Cajun type of seafood places. Although, Mike referred to it as river bottom food. Fuzz had a dozen Oysters on the half shell. I tried not to puke.

The Thirty-seven year old thing has settled in most ways, I did overextend my shoulder at the gym on Friday because two nineteen year-olds on the bench next to me. I put one more plate then they had on the bar. OUCH! But, I showed them!

I ran into the Leather Avenger at the gym. You know, you have a Leather Avenger at your gym. The guy who works out in a codpiece and jack boots. He’s the one you find on the cables wearing leather Wonder Woman wrist cuffs. He wished me a happy birthday but said that it was nothing compared to his Fifty-two years. He added,
“Last week I was at the bathhouse being plowed by a twenty year old. And he stopped and said is that hurting you?
So I said Boy I’ve got twelve rings hanging from my balls, do you honestly think you can hurt me?”

I smiled and back away.
When you Google Leather Avenger this is what you get: