....last night in the kitchen

“Did you throw out the Mac-n-cheese?”
“Yes.”
“So…this is what our relationship is based on? You just throw out food whenever it fits you whim?”
“Our relationship is based on me taking care of you in ways you don’t understand, like removing food that might kill you.”
“Don’t try your super-Oprah-powers on me. Sneaking around and cleaning out the fridge behind my back. What? You want out now?”
“Throwing away old food symbolizes to you the ending of our relationship?”
“Because you never communicate with me when you’re going to just toss away crusty Chinese food. When I get moldy are you going to toss me away?”
“Damn Skippy!”
“I just want to know when I need to say goodbye to our leftovers. I need closure. Couldn't you just update your Facebook status?”
“That I’m tossing Mac-n-cheese?”
“It would be proper.”
“Leave this kitchen!”
“See! You systematically removing our leftovers is tearing us apart!” You want to see other refrigerators now?
“Huh……maybe I’ll start a blog. I’ll call it NICE TO SEE STEVIEB WITH FOOD POISONING. I’ll blog about how much moldy Mac-n-cheese sends you to the ER. Pictures and everything, “here’s StevieB with his head in the toilet. Isn’t that cute. Oh, look he’s green! Hot!”

“You won’t always be able to use your Jedi Powers on me.”

CAPTAIN CRISCO!

....and back in New York, Spiderman finally gets what he really wants from CAPTAIN CRISCO...


Thanks failblog.org

IT'S THE EASTER BEAGLE, STEVIEB

It's The Easter Beagle, Charlie Brown* airs tonight, Tuesday, April 7th 2009 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET) on ABC. I just thought I’d remind you, I know how you’d kick yourself if you missed it.

This special weaves together several sub-plots into an Iliad proportioned drama which echoes Linus’ beliefs in the Great Pumpkin. Which not unlike Scientology has a strong belief that the Easter Beagle will solve the world's woes.

During this parable, our favorite lesbian couple Peppermint Patty and Marcie struggle with their feminist roles. Whilst Lucy follows her belief that Easter is another reason to receive gifts from the tortured musician, Schroeder. Who, in about 20 years will be playing show tunes on an Atlantis cruise. The pinnacle scene being when a rabid dog pelts small children with eggs, and if that isn’t the true meaning of Easter, I just don’t know what to tell you.



* side effects may include an overwhelming urge to dance with bunnies.

I got to a new speed and incline on the treadmill last week. Just as my feet started to fall off I thought:
"Do I need new running shoes? Do I really need another pair of Pumas?" Beyond my well documented Puma fetish, do I need a better pair of pumas for running. I started to get that feeling when I walk into the Puma store. The one I also get when I see Zeb Atlas. Then, just as I mentally talked myself out of needing running shoes I thought:
What would 30 Helen's say..........

As I walked in the house this afternoon to pick up Fuzz so we could head out to the AutoShow, I noticed that he too was wearing a blue T-shirt with white lettering.
"I'm changing! I hate the matching gay couple thing!"

As we walked into the show I saw a reflection. Me in my red shirt and blue cap. Fuzz in his blue shirt and red cap.

Great.

YOU GO BROOKLYN!

Every square inch if Brooklyn is tagged. Random spray paint marks blotting out any proof of civilized society. I was getting pretty tired of it, and then I spotted this:


Yes,thank you. I will go; you go as well. Girl.

Italian Stuffed Artichokes

Fuzzy’s Mom came to spend the night last night. Being a good Italian Mom she showed up on the front step with a pressure cooker under one arm and a bag of food in the other. And, being a really great Italian Mom she Cooked Italian Artichokes and eggplant parmesan all day long, then just cleared out. When we got home, we found what resembled a mafia controlled delicatessen. Although the cheese wasn’t hanging from the ceiling.

So, last night we feasted on Italian Stuffed Artichokes. Yummy!
Here’s a link for a recipe. Not her recipe, because if I gave that out…..I’d sleep with the fishes.

Our Trip To Target

This was taken right before Fuzzy got cranky. He really wanted that Hello Kitty bike.

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THE ADVOCATE'S TOP 10 C&W BARS

The Advocate.com has released their Top 10 Country Gay Bars. Can I get a Yee-haw? Number One? The Round Up Saloon, Dallas.


Man, I have spent way too much time in this place. Standing against a wall wearing perfectly creased Wranglers with a wad of chew in my lip. And, as you will know it was used in season two of Dallas where Lucy Ewing was force to sing country.

Charlie’s in Denver was number five.




Wow, I have not been to Charlie’s forever. Do they still have two bathrooms, one to piss in and one for me..I mean people to fuck in? Find out where your favorite C&W bar ranked.

SNOW DAY

Along with being unable to feel my legs from the weekends 40 hour drive, Yesterday was hell driving to work due to our spring weather. It was enough to make me put down my morning beer. I hate that. It was one of those wet and cold spring snows. Here’s the front of Spike the Super Jeep. I was wondering why I couldn't see my head lights, and I thought it was just me.


Whenever a wet/icy snow hits Denver you’ll start to see the crazy people that pop up their wipers. the lot at work was filled with this.Why do people do this? Do they want their car to be picked on by the other cars in the parking lot? This is the car equivalent of wearing Crocs, or trying to squirt your Zune at the gym.

“I don’t wanna have my wipers freeze.”

Well, you do want to destroy the spring in your wiper arm so you get to take your fine Chrysler product for a $200 dealership visit. What happens when there is no Chrysler Dealership? Hu? They’re about to get an Obammaboot up the happy love hole.

Did I mention I’m crabby today? See what happens when I don’t get my morning commute beer?

ALIVE AND TIRED

Well, I made it home alive. I'm tired as F&*%, so this will be short. I thought I'd share a pic given to me by Dalton.




Kinda sums up my out look on life.

Who made Nebraska so fucking boring? Really? More amber waves of grain. Isn't that what Kansas for? How many rolling hills do we need. As you might tell I've gone crazy on our little treck.

Day three. After White Castle we hit a white out. The highway turned to ice, after seeing our seventh smashed car we desided to stop in Iowa City. After a long dinner at The Village Inn I was in the middle of one of my fabulous stories about Coco Peru, when we realized the full restaurant was completely quite. Oops!

This morning we are up and well rested. The roads are still very icy, fifteen wrecked cars so far. But, in a moving van. I'm sure we're heavy enough to stay on I-80. Pray for us. And my hair.

Chicago White Castle

Six burgers, sixty seconds.

Mmmm, White Castle. We're south of Chicago, heading west.

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*I need to mention. I do not condone eating six white castle burgers, then traveling on icy roads in a moving van. I could barely choke down my chips, cookie, sunday, club sandwich, and carrot cake later in the day. Sad really.

Day two, Ohio

Day two. Dawn has broken in Ohio. Only God can help me now.

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A dancer for money

Down in the village, the quite village the drag queens sleep tonight. We stopped by TheStone Wall Tavern. It was dyke jello wrestling night. Seriously. Not a drag queen in sight. We ended our night at The Monster, were I fell for a dick dancer. I'd never had that happen, it must be a thirty-seven thing. I'm sure he felt the same. From across the bar. I feared the pull would be to strong and he'd follow me into to street. Being in his undies, he might catch a cold. I didn't want that to happen to my dago.
Here's a pic of his glowing aura. That, and the lights were very bright.

>

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

All in all, it was a fun little outing in NYC. Did I mention I fell hard for Stella beer. Yum oh.

Look. I'm in Brooklyn, here's a pot by Dalton.

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A spring snow. Thank God I'm going to sunny NYC today!

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Less Misrable Moment

When I was a small queerling, wearing rayon, I did something really bad. I don't remember what it was, but it clearly was against some policy at work. The owner pulled me into her office and gave me some advice:

“Your integrity is the only thing people in this world cannot take from you. You can easily give it away….hand it over….but people on this planet can’t steal it from you.”

I live by this wisdom. Given to me two weeks before my boss was hauled off in hand-cuffs. Seriously. But, none the less still good advice. I thought of these words yesterday when we heard that the seventh layoff had occurred. I wandered around for about an hour like Moses in a cubical desert looking for a particular lesbian.

“Uh, she’s been gone for awhile Steve.”

I was told by Dina Shore, the last remaining Lesbos in the cubical ranch. I now sit in an office of fifty empty cubicles, with just Dina Shore the golfing, Alto sax music listening womyn. I decided that we should reenact Les Miserables. Build a barricade out of desk chairs to block HR from coming for Dina. This being said, I wandered around yesterday singing:

“Can you hear the people sing?” About noon, Dina asked why I was singing Phantom. It was around this time I had the urge to Cube-a-Vulture. That’s when you act like a Mad Max character scavenging for water. But with highlighters. But, really is this below me, does this give away my integrity?
I now have twelve new highlighters!

"Guys..... wait for me....guys!"

EXOTIC FAST FOOD or EFF

Hey, it’s just a couple of days until I head to NY. Can I get a whoot-whoot! Yeah, seeing Dalton will be boss, but really I’m in it for the White Castle. I love fast food, just not the kind we have around these parts. I don’t care much for the McD’s, BK’s or Wd’s (that’s Wendy’s….. didn’t work did it?) I go for the exotic fast food. Whataburger or Steak-n-shake and definitely White castle, I drive 80 miles just to eat a Runza.

But, trust me most of the time its salads and apples. Today I got on the scale in the locker-room and was pleasantly surprised. I also saw a random guy in the mirror trying to burn a hole in my Calvin’s with his eyes. I calmly turned around and said “hey” I didn’t think it sounded like Joey Tribbiani. I didn’t say “how yoo dooin?” I just said “hey” as in “hey bud how ‘bout them Colts.” But, or should I say butt… this scared him into some sort of Protestant gilt panic. He grabbed his stuff and bolted. Poor scared Protestant boy, I would of bought him some Wd’s after Fuzz and I tag teamed him.

DENVER SNOW

Welcome to spring! And yet, Denver had its warmest winter on record. Well, we had the lowest snow totals ever recorded in Denver. But, up in the mountains there were records set for the ski season snow. I guess I can’t blame global warming. I’m pretty much bummed, I love snow. I love blizzards and snow banks and I really love it when it hovers around freezing. My favorite part is driving the 4X4 with reckless abandon. Yep, I’m that jerk that zips past you on an iced up road. Sorry, I’m twelve. With the insurance rating of a thirty-seven year old. That being said, Fuzz and I went to test drive a Hyundai Sonata, Limited. I felt like one of those trained bears in the circus. Ya, know tring to fit it's huge furry frame onto a tiny motorcycle. Grrrrrr-bluetooth, Grrrrrrr-leather, Grrrrrrr-can't feel my legs.

Here’s a vid I found on YouTube. Remember the Blizzard of '06? I have no idea who the ingenue is but it looks like their having fun.




Whilst we're on the subject of Denver, wanna Bump?

Jack in the box

A new Jack in the Box opened! Yippy!

CRAIG'S LOVE

More from your friendly Craigslist M4M missed connections site:

Golden Corral manager, Thornton, tonight - m4m

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Date: 2009-03-14, 8:17PM MDT
You are tall and broad and beautiful. You were wearing all black. I kept making jokes to you about eating too much, and exploding, etc... Right as I was leaving, I went up to you and told you that I was wearing the menu. You smiled and told me to have a good night. You are just about the cutest, cuddliest-looking guy around. I wanted so much to talk to you more, and to get to know you. I don't know if you are into guys, but I think you are wonderful.

When I want a man, I often smear the contents of a buffet over my body. If you don't find love over the sneeze guard, try your local thrift store:

Arc Thrift Store today, on Broadway - m4m - 52 (Denver)

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Date: 2009-03-14, 5:15PM MDT
We made eye contact, you smiled at me, near the Jeans aisle. I made some jokes about finding the right size, and buying torn-up merchandise, as long as it was on sale. You said at least it passed the time. You had dark hair, facial hair, a gray pullover shirt, sunglasses on top of your head while you shopped, and you were with one or two females. I kept staring at you. You really are so incredibly beautiful and sweet-looking. I wish I could have talked to you some more. No idea if you are gay or not, but I sure would like to find out. I have silver hair, and was wearing a gray t-shirt, and had shorts on.

"I kept staring at you." is a metaphor or code word. this means I'll be smearing my week old semen on to your Honda's door handle anytime now. Then there's the old deductions move:



To The Guy Who Helped Me With My Taxes on 2/28 - m4m - 26
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Date: 2009-03-14, 1:59AM MDT
It was the last Saturday that they were doing the free tax helping there. I had walked away from you right when you pulled my folder to be done.

Your initials are "BK." And no I didn't make that joke.

I really couldn't stop looking at you that day and still can stop thinking about you. Your eyes and smile. You're quite a handsome man. I really liked your hair color.

I had made a few comments about being impressed with the system you were using and how simple it was to do my taxes.

I'd love to see you again for something a bit more personal, if you're up for it.

Want to exchange pictures soon so you know who I am, in case you don't remember?

Oh, he remembers you. He has your tax information. Do you really want to date a guy who already knows you make 30,000 a year?

FEED ME

The entire day yesterday, I ate a small bowl of oatmeal, three cups of ground turkey, 4 pieces of facon (that’s turkey painted red to look like bacon) two apples, and for dinner two veggie burgers. And before you ask, no buns or ketchup just the puck like burgers, puck like because I over nuked them.

This morning I'm convinced that my iPhone weighs ten pounds. Does your iPhone seem heavy to you? Please say yes. I stepped on the scale and had an extra ten pounds show up. Is my Pod buddy weighing me down?

SODOMITE SNACK CAKE '09

I thought I'd re-post this from last year......





Okay seriously, are all snack cakes gay? I was on the internets the other day looking for images and I found this yummy if not flaming layout. I don’t remember snacks cakes being so swishy. Like they would get their delicious little cream-filled heads bashed in if they walked through the corn chips turf in the vending machine. So on the left there’s “The Captain” a dark, fudgy daddy in uniform. Then there’s Twinkie the Kid, I love the hearts on his scarf very broke back."I wish I could quit you!" Next is what it would look like if a chocolate roll was “rolling” during a Peter Pan Themed Atlantis cruise T-dance. His bags have “water” bottles and tiny little glow sticks in them. On the right is apparently an Oscar Wilde cream pie. Yummy, and sharp witticisms on every bag. You didn’t hear this from me but Chocolate Roll is a huge druggie bottom. Just so ya know.

NEW YORK STATE OF MIND

Next Thursday, BFF Frank and I fly off to New York City. We plan on picking up Dalton and heading to the nearest bear bar. Then it’s off to the NY Eagle.


Then, Friday we try to wake up and I talk them into stopping by a White Castle on the way to pick up a moving van. With a Gay Bar hangover and stuffed full of White Castles we load all of Mighty, mighty Dalton’s worldly belongings and start to head west. Goodbye NY! Dalton is headed to Denver. Clean air, the Rocky Mountains, and a low tax rate. Did I mention that the moving van only has two bucket seats?
For three of us.
For three days.
Steve-origami time.
I’ll blog ya, the details of how Frank keeps touching me. Dalton is now dancing around the street of Brooklyn singing:

"New York is where I'd rather stay, I'm allergic smelling hay!"

Ninja kitty Part Deux:



Thanks Lolcats.

YouTube Roids

I sometimes question my coolness level. Then I take a look at my
RECOMMENDED FOR YOU videos on You Tube. At this point I realign my che in the universe.

Yes, there are the nerdy ones like MST3K and a test drive video for the new Audi. About six thumbnails for Dr. Who and every movie that Michael or the Feast of Fools has posted, but then it starts to transition into normal guy stuff. Shoulder Workouts, Pushups, and the latest Killer home chest workout. This moves us right into Muscle worship flicks. Man, remember when you had to buy porn?

I’m pretty sure I spend too much time on YouTube looking at roided up meat heads.

DEAF, DUMB AND BLIND

Over the weekend I was having a normal conversation with BFF Carl and BFF Frank. At some point, and I don’t remember why, I blurted:

“…..that’s horrible, that’s right up there with Helen Keller being dragged off by the Nazis!” Without missing a beat, Carl retorted:
“That diary was soooo badly written.”

Then, Frank added:
“Sssshheze inze thhhhee adeeck” As he slammed his fisted hands together. “

In our circles when something dumb is said, we say, at least you’re pretty. I was downright gorgeous.

On Saturday, we were at Chili’s. A deaf group came in and sat next to us. They were having a great time enjoying the night as were we. At some point the manager felt he had to wander around and invade everyone’s table to inject the fact that he never finished grad school and now is a manager at Chili’s. To us he joyfully injected:
“Good thing you ordered two desserts, one wouldn't feed the looks of you guys.”
I blurted out “did he just call us fat?” As cake flew from my mouth. But, he had already descended on the six deaf diners, Mr. Chili smiled and said:
“It’s awfully quite over here! The food must be good!”
The table stared with awkward smiles, until he proudly moved to the next table. A little pee went down Fuzzy’s leg as he laughed.

On Sunday we went to Subway. Although, the tomatoes were not amused.

PIE DAY

Let’s take today to appreciate Dalton James. He gives us so much, so we must take a day to celebrate the day that Port Arthur, Texas gave him to us.

**Head bowed, quiet pause. **



As you know, Dalton was my partner for 17 years. Okay, 4 whatever. Until he ran away to New York to become a graphic artist. And a cosmopolitan socialite. Puff, puff. At least until the end of March when he gives up the bear party scene to move to little ol’Denver. But, that’s a blog post for next week. Don’t you just love anticipation?





Tomorrow is the Mighty, Mighty Dalton’s birthday. On pie day! 3.14… pie, get it? Yeah, no one does.
So… wish him a great day and if you’re hanging out at the NY Eagle Saturday night, buy him a shot. He’ll be the one with that shell shocked look in his eye that every guy gets after dating me.

*May not be an actually photo of Dalton.

It is, but when I get a head smack I want

to say I put an asterisk next to it.