Voila!

What I overheard today coming from the next cubical.

Vi-0-la? Steve why did you send me an E-mail signed Vi-o-la?

Me. What?

Who’s Vi-o-la?

Me. Do you mean.. Voila?

No! you wrote Vi-o-la! (I wrote voila)

Me. Uh…... yes it’s my new pet name for you. Voila, Viola.

JEEP TIRES

I put new tires on the Jeep last week. I have to say that Discount Tire did a great job. I finally up-sized my tires to honkin huge manly Jeep tires. Woof. Grrrrrrr, woof. Now I look as if I’m ready to go off road, but this really means that I’m gonna drive shirtless around Chessman Park over and over. Now I think that the service offered by Discount was pretty great. The next day they sent me an e-mail asking how they did and I let them know what a great job they did. It’s been a week and they have quickly turned into the trick that won’t leave.
They have sent one or sometimes two e-mails every day since we tricked. They started off pretty fine, the “how was our service?” Then, “next time you need us please call.” They quickly turned to “Please… Steve think of us! Discount tire loves you Steve, do you think of us?“

Today’s e-mail went something like:
Your beauty is beyond compare,
With flaming locks of auburn hair,
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green.
Your smile is like a breath of spring;
Your voice is soft like summer rain,
And we cannot sell tires to anyone but you, StevieB.
StevieB, StevieB, Stevieb, StevieB Please don’t go elsewhere just because you can.

So, Okay so they kinda sounded like a Dolly Parton song.
It was fun we put knobby tires on my Jeep. But that was all. Nothing more.
Damn it, don’t cry!
Really, I’ll call you again but when I need you. It was just tires.
Thank God for the spam file.

BMB Conundrum

That big muscle guy from Sell This House hit me up on Big Muscle Bear. Apparently he was going to be in town and was inquiring about the best gay gym in Denver. I just started to weep openly, how can I admit that Denver has no frickin gay gym. It’s like admitting that you have never watched Steal Magnolias, or have never been a gay cruise.
I watched in slow motion the death throes of Broadway Bodyworks, the bestest gay gym in the world. Sad to see the muscle-heads running in circles “where do I go to lift heavy things?” As I approached the Tax notice on the front door I remember yelling,
“Stevie Mad, Stevie Smash!!”
I’ve gone to 24 ever since, like an exile from Lenin’s site.
So when I read the notation from the A&E slab –o-muscle, it just brought this up one more frickin time. I would have responded with a helpful note…… if I had not of read it 2 weeks after he asked. But that really is beside the point. Really.
So if you’re coming to town hit me up, I be more than happy to tell the great things Denver has to offer. But no, we don’t have a gay gym. Stop asking already. We…we have to lift with…....straights!

I got gas

I would like to say that we live in a picturesque Colorado Mountain town. But the reality is far from that. The towns claim to fame is 8 Mexican restaurants and that hundreds of Japanese Americans were interned there during WWII. Put that on a tourism website.
Gas in Denver has reached $4.10 a gallon but in Denver’s hinterland it’s around $4.00. There are four gas stations in town, two of these are on opposite ends of the main “drag” both are at $3.82. What a frickin seal, right.
Fuzzy finally came out and asked why I kept driving past the You Pump It (makes me giggle every time) down to the new Kum and Go (more giggling.) Well, I said “their pumps don’t work.” He had a long pause while slowly turning this around in his head. “Why wouldn’t they work for you?” I responded with a DUH tone “they don’t have credit card swipers.” Fuzzy still kept a low, even tone.” You know that they’re older pumps you have to go in and pay.” Still not picking this up I responded “Go in and pay? That doesn’t sound right.” He then explained to me about this stuff called cash. People use it to purchase goods and services. He then inquired if I approached Coke machines with my credit card and just repeatedly jammed my plastic into any hole. “No, that only works with you. “ I calmly retorted.

Geek Dream

I woke up this morning after having a nightmare that the Cybermen were slicing me up. Man, I gotta lay off the DVR so late at night. I'm dreaming in geek.

Canada Time

What I overheard today coming from the next cubical.
What time is it in Canada?
Me. Uh, What?
You know, what time is Canada time?
Me. It’s always Canada time.
Steve! Tell me. Oh… they’re specific time.
Me. Yes, Canada is very specific about its time.

Jesus and Diet Coke

There’s this odd little room at work tucked next to the Woman’s restroom. This appears to have been a break room for a long dead mortgage company. This is also happens to be the only place where the Coke machine can survive. It’s kind of sad to see this soda machine whirring away its youth in this forgotten fluorescent break room. All alone but for Hermey.
Hermey is the creepy guy who sits in this room during the day and eats his brown bagged lunch. I call him Hermey because he looks like the elf that ran around with Rudolph. Of course 40 years later, his dental practice forced to close after Santa allows a Comfort Dental Franchise to open up at the north pole. His dental practice gone he took a temp job in Denver. Every day I run in grab my Diet Coke before he can say “I used to be a dentist.”
Yesterday I was going to grab my “big brown bottle of yummyness” when he started to speak to me. “Sir, do you know what time it is?” I stopped “yes, it’s about 1PM.” then he stammered “Sir, do you know Jesus?” OK….. So this is where on the Discovery Channel they explain the “fight or flight" response. The prey decides either that Diet Coke is worth fighting for or they need to run to save their cute, fluffy tails.
I kind of thought this would be funny. But mostly it happened so quickly I didn’t think it through. But just as he asked me this I stared at him a bit, then screamed “JESUS CHRIST” threw my arms up and ran from the room like my hair was on fire.
Not one of my best moments I agree.
Funny yes.
The only bad part is that I can no longer drink soda, that and as I ran from the room like MacGyver running from a critical warhead I ran into my boss coming from the Women’s restroom. I simply explained that all they had was Dr.Pepper.

I thought I broke my IPod today. As I got into the Jeep ready for another great commute across Denver I grabbed my IPod and plugged it into its holder. Later down the road I picked it up to change from Madonna to an Audio book when BAM! The IPod’s display was toast. This put me into a tail spin that David Sedaris’ new book wouldn’t pull me out of. I realized that this was the sign I needed that it was time for me to get the new IPhone. When I pulled and parked at my destination I pulled off my sunglasses and pulled out the IPod. The screen was fine. Okay, maybe it was just an early morning thing.
At lunch I plugged it back in and again quickly saw the damage. What the fuck is going on here. Just then I looked the display on my radio. It was hosed too. I stopped at an intersection to piece this together. That’s when I screamed. MY SUNGLASSES! I had just bought new shades. Polarized sunglasses, in polarized glasses horizontally polarized light is blocked by the vertically oriented polarizers in the lenses. They react adversely with liquid crystal displays (LCDs.) The problem with LCDs is that when viewed through polarized lenses from a certain angle, they can be invisible.
I’m glad I found this out, yet I lost my built in excuse for an IPhone.

Squirrels, natures little speed bumps

The other day I was behind a girl just waiting my turn when one of her friends came up on her left and surprised her. I could not hear what they were saying but I started to image they were talking about how long it had been, how great it was to see each other and if the girl in front of me had ever followed through in her plans on invading Poland to establish the master race. Ya know, stuff like that. They were chatting for a while and I was mesmerized when I realized that they like me were on the highway during rush hour traffic in Denver.
That’s when I proved my theory that there are two types of people. The “look-a-round and talk to your fellow motorists” people and the “Don’t look at me I’m driving” people. I happen to be in the don’t acknowledge me camp. Yes, I may have the top off the Jeep and have Madonna’s Hard Candy blaring, shirtless doing that side-two-side dance thing but I’m not looking over so you don’t either.
My friend Jeff was a “car cruiser” and I HATED this. He would roll down the window and start hooting and woofing at a hot guy next to us. My response was always “Do you think his wife and kids in the back really appreciate your advances?”
The Girls seemed unaware that traffic had pretty much disappeared in front of them all the way to Speer while they were chatting. These were that type to own pink Razors, T-backs with gem stones spelling out juicy or crispy and the type that talk loudly to each other in a movie, or westbound I25. Die you hateful Moo cows.
Why do I curse like a Sailor until I get behind the wheel?
Soon I tapped on the horn but this was interrupted as “I want to rip off your jaw and piss down your McMuffin hole.” I did the “hello! Drive! There are other people in the world” hand motion. And with that Ms. Tragic hair zipped off in her 13 MPG Durango. Madonna and I went back to our duet. Past Park avenue I saw a bumper stick that read:
Squirrels. Natures little speed bumps.

Dallas

I was walking down the sidewalk to our house coming home form work. As I crossed paths with my elderly neighbor she smiled and looked at the bouquet of flowers in my hand. “Making up for something?” She said knowing that Fuzzy and I live two houses down. I started to respond when she said, “ Your both still going to go the hell ya know!”

Two things went through my head at this point. One is that Fuzz feels bad that I refer to her as “the used vacuum cleaner bag.” The second being that I call our house SouthFork. Yes, after the show Dallas. No, not because it looks anything like the white ranch house that Sue Ellen pined away for. This is due to its geographical location to the city. You would have to be a Super-duper hyper gay nerd to actually know the geographical relationship of Southfork ranch to Dallas. I am just that gay.

In 2003 I convinced Dalton to go on a tour of Southfork ranch. This met with same response as if I said I wanted to cover him with blood and walk out into Galveston Bay to feel around for sharks. But at least at Galveston Bay we would get some sun. When we arrived at Southfork I casually noted that the weather was just like in Winds Of Vengeance. Dalton casually noted that if we made it out of there I should conceder myself dumped.

Just in case you didn’t already know, Southfork ranch is about 25 miles northeast of Dallas, as is our house is from Denver. Which makes it hard sometime to consider myself a gay-ghetto gay. What with the commute and all, but still if the man friend wanted us to sell our cute little bungalow and move to Castro, boystown or Chelsea it may take me about a nano-second to grab our flat screen tuck the Shar-pei and run. I was thinking of running out of this burb as the words the vacuum cleaner bag were still blurting out at me sunk in. “You need to find Jesus, young man.”
My response was “Who do you think the flowers are for?”

COPS-V-500 thread count

We were a little late getting up and around this morning. As Fuzzy works on Sunday mornings and his boss is Jesus it’s not proper to be late to work. As we were rushing around I stopped to make the bed. I was smoothing out the sheets and aligning the pillows properly and I heard “come on baby, we gotta go! The bed will be here when we get back.” I know but what if the TV show Cops break in while we’re gone and film our unmade bed.” As this fell from my pie hole I realized that this was actually a serious concern to me. My entire adult life I’ve been walking around with the fear that if my house was messy a second rate TV show would barge in and film it. I don’t think I could life with the consequences of Cops filming my wrinkled sheets.
This just might be a step away from lining up my drinks in the refrigerator. Have you seen Flipping Out? Jeff Lewis, Wow wack job. I say that thinking that he probably does not have a persecution complex for coffee cups in the sink.
On Cops there are prostitutes, drug dealers and car thieves and I hardly do any of those things, but still want to feel tough so keeping my bed made will keep me on the right side of the law. That’s how I roll.

Words to many to read.

So as normal I’m at on the phone with Carl cruising through the blogs. “Have you read this blog yet?” “Yep, Try this one yet?” “Funny hu, how about that one? no, cool.” Soon we found ourselves on a blog about pride and started to read. Quietly I heard Carl start to repeat “Words to many to read. Words to many to read. Ahhh pictures.“ Everyone needs a Blog buddy.

Judy Tenuta and Splenda-ritas

I think the highlight for me on gay marriage in California is that I’ve discovered that Judy Tenuta is an ordained minister. Well she is, but of her own church and of her own religion. It’s called Judyism, yes it’s pronounced Jud e ism. Like Judaism but with tequila instead of the Talmud.
Now I could think of no better way to get hitched then to have Judy call you “pigs” throughout the touching if not scary ceremony. I suddenly feel as if I not ready to get married.

I’ve discovered a new drink, a Splenda-rita. All the happy, happy joy of a Margarita but none of the sugar. Now that’s how I know that the terrorists have not won.

Denver pride '08

It was pride week in Denver, the time of year where you celebrate your gayness by marching in the streets in front of the evangelicals holding damning and misspelled signs. And apparently running into every ex-boyfriend you ever had. Like Jim who wondered up to me and in a drunken stuper and let me know that He has my dishes (from 1993) Ahhh Pride. Denver throws a huge party on the hottest day of the year to celebrate. I’ve been to many cities that have moved their parades to evenings or even later in the season just to accommodate the melting drag queens, but in Denver, you’ll find the hardiest, toughest and smelliest Drag Queens around.

We did what 30 something Moes do, we watched the guys on the parade floats and wondered out loud if we were ever that skinny or that slutty. Then we did the loop around Civic Center cruising naked chests and avoiding the aforementioned ex-boyfriends. Trying to eat a funnel cake and still look hot is not so easy, but I think I pulled it off. And just as our forefathers gays did before us we then marched back up the hill to the Wrangler for beer bust. The Stonewall riots instilled within us the right to stand shirtless in the sun and drink warm beer. All in all it was a pretty great pride.

This weekend was also our anniversary (How cute they met on Pride.) Fuzzy and I went to the Cherry Creek Grill for a romantical dinner. It was great, although the highlight was when Fuzzy was deep in romantic talk about us when I coughed and spewed a tiny little piece of cornbread across the table onto his new shirt. So as he continued about the strength of our relationship I stared at a huge stain growing on his chest. “Yes hunny, we are like a gay Marie and Pierre Curie… but I just spewed food onto you. Happy Anniversary.

I almost forgot to mention what happened to “the silver spoon.” Well, I must say I really loved the great advice, but I thought the best thing to do was to come clean about stealing antique silver literally and figuratively. I first coached myself with “Yes, I did steal your grandmothers silver….. but your Pecs are huge today.”
One morning when Fuzzy looked particularly sleepy I took out the spoon from its hiding place to start the conversation that “Yes, I did steal your grandmothers silver.” As I turned to speak, Fuzzy was playing with Harley the Super-Shar-pei, scooped him up and quickly bonked heads. The dog staggered off into the dinning room and Fuzzy had to sit down for awhile. I just put the spoon back.

Hamburger Mary's Alfresco

They say that Denver is behind “real cities” by up to five years. I began to believe this, since I left Dallas I’ve lived without a lot of things that I believe are essential to being a slim, trim modern gay guy. This weekend however we’re starting to be a major Mo city. Yes, Hamburger Mary’s is opening their patio. I have not chilled on a Big Gay Patio since I wore Z Cavariccis. Well, maybe not that long ago.
I think of myself as an eclectic kind of gay, I just may be the last Mo in Denver to really like the Eagle. Sorry, It’s a great bar. I get great service and cool freak watching. While everyone is whining that is “Not good enough.” They will soon being whining that there’s not a Leather Bar in Denver.
Use it or lose it.
But back to the patio, Denver needed a real gay patio bar. Now ya might be thinking “But Steve.. JR’s has a patio?” Okay fine, whatever.
I have to admit that I hate JR’s. this is mostly due to the time spent in the real JR’s in Dallas. Let’s just say that there was a bartender that had my credit card number memorized.
But just go hang out at Mary’s and you’ll love it. It is like living in a real honest-to-goodness big gay Mecca. You can sip on a Martini, then walk down to the Wrangler and get your Bear on. GRRRR!
Next thing you know and we’ll get a gay coffee house, real gay Bingo and then sometime after that gay marriage.

SILVER SPOON IN MY MOUTH

After we moved in together I got a phone call at work. “Steve, I was cleaning up and found that a piece of my grandmothers silver is missing.” Now when I looked over at the Eagle leather bar and saw this muscle bound Italian decked out in his leather I never dreamed that someday he’d be asking me about his Grandmothers silver.
Go figure.
Uh, okay where did you use it last? Maybe it’s stuck in the dishwasher?” “Okay, first silver does not go in the dishwasher. Second I have not used it. Have you? Not having a clue what I was about to get into I replied “I only use the knifes to screw in the switch plate covers.”
Wow that really was the wrong thing to say.
It’s a spoon Steven (I love it when he calls me Steven) One of my grandmother’s silver spoons it has been in the family for generations.
I really have no concept of having things ‘in the family for generations’ because Mormons are always melting their shit down to make some sort of new temple. Buy some damn drywall freaks.
Suddenly it hits me; Fuzzy is accusing me of pilfering the silver. Oh my god! Okay so he wasn’t accusing me. Just concerned that I pawned his silver spoon to buy crack. He asked, “Maybe you took a spoon to work to eat lunch and forgot it?” I love that he loves me so much that he quickly built an alibi to cover me to protect me from my self. Suddenly I thought, I could have killed a man and Fuzzy would nervously stammer. “ Ummm He jumped forward and fell on your spoon…. seven times… yeah that’s it.”
“No, I don’t use your silver to eat my lunches and no I have not touched it, I would never, I know how much it means to you. This ended the CSI interrogation. I promised I would help him look for it later that evening. We did not find it and sadly Fuzzy came to live with the fact that the family silver was not whole. So neither was Fuzzy.
So on a completely unrelated note, Yesterday I was finally cleaning out my desk and digging out my files when I reach back to the back of 2007’s files and pull out a spoon. The spoon. I am in SOOOOO much fucking trouble. I think I’ll just slip it into the solid oak velvet lined box with the family crest upon the top. Maybe he won’t notice. And while we’re keeping secrets let’s not tell him that I hold the dog up so he can play piano with his paws.

BUT HER WORTH

This is what happens every night at Southfork.
Steve-Um, what’s for dinner?
Fuzzy-What do you want?
Steve- Food.
Fuzzy-What kinda food?
Steve-Something good.
This goes on for awhile, longer then any two men should possibility talk this way. I can make where to eat into a scene from Hamlet.
“O! what a rogue and peasant slave am I to Taco Bell!”

We decided that pancakes where the only way to go for dinner and we found ourselves at Uber-Target. Now, I personally will only eat pure maple syrup but Fuzz will only eat that brown stuff that’s 99% High-Fructose corn syrup. This is when he turned to me and asked. “Who do you think would win in a cage match, Aunt Jemima or Mrs. Butterworth?” “Well I guess, who ever wants it more.” “Well, They’re both strong black women.” I stopped a second, “Mrs. Butterworth is Caucasian.” Fuzzy looked like I just stated that the Pope was a Scientologist. “No, She’s of African Descent” “Ummm, I think she’s white. Ya-know grandmotherly, cute little white woman. “No she’s a strong black grandmother!” So this continued on for quite a while, so long that a big haired house wife had to quickly grab Log Cabin and run. We decided that we were going to “Google it.” Either way Aunt Jemima has had a harder life and would take Butterworth in 2 rounds.
I’ve been reading everything I can find on this Butterworth creature. I’ve found nothing to prove for a fact the ethnic heritage of this woman I grew up with. I did find that the voice for Mrs. Butterworth, Mary Kay Bergman, took her own life at age 39 in 1999. That will dampen your Syrupy goodness. Oh, Mrs. Butterworth you are truly what Barack Obama means when he speaks of Ethnic culture in America. It is not the package that we judge it’s the syrup inside.

I was getting ready this morning and found that I couldn't find the dog. Since Fuzzy sleeps late they're usually curled up in a furry ball. That's when I spotted a paw sticking out on the other side of the bed. I ran and got my camera:





I guess I've gotten to the point where I post pictures of Shar-peis.

Saturday

I just wanted to recap everything I’ve eaten this weekend. This will not include the fact that I ate my weight in Taco bell on Friday. Saturday morning we actually slept-in which rarely happens but Fuzzy still wasn’t feeling well (tummy ache.) I think this was due to his huge concert he was to conduct later that night but I digress. Since the tummy ache we did not make sweet furry love. We had a nice quiet “gym shorts” type of morning, he made coffee and I started the chores, cleaning mostly. We’re still trying to put together the office after moving in together. The topic moved to hanging art. DANGER, DANGER! We proceeded to have a “lively discussion” about what and where to hang stuff. I kept thinking “ Wow, how many gay couples in the history of time have fought over Herb Ritts?”
After sneaking some Peanut butter fingers, not the candy bar but when you drag your fingers through the peanut butter then suck off the yummyness it was way past time for food. We went to Village Inn, a Denny’s type of restaurant awash with pastels and aged Asians. I had the Ultimate skillet, toast and pancakes. Two bites into it asked Fuzzy if they forgot his French Fries, “No just ate them already.” Wow.
Soon it came time to drop off Fuzz for his concert and I met up with Carl n Will for Dinner, still full from Lunch/breakfast. We ended up at Chili’s where we inhaled chili fries and for dinner I decided to have another appetizer. It was intended for a party of four but I finished it off nicely. The concert went well, as much as one can enjoy Mozart on classical organ. Afterwards The Fuzz and I stopped at a gas station for dinner, we selected a nice burrito entitled “The Bomb” and Moon Pies. Washing this down with a nice Diet Coke. We then watched Logo’s Alien Boot Camp until 2AM when my stomach planned a mutiny.

Spring

I put down the top on the Jeep for the first time this spring. I know when Spring has arrived to the Rocky Mountains when I can drive through the park when the top down and the sound track to Run Lola Run blaring. It’s like when the tulips bloom but more like pansies in convertibles.
I’m in the middle of the ritual of removing the top and listening to Everything But The Girl when the neighbor came out to go to church. The 7-year-old boy ran up to me, apparently he likes to flirt with me. He runs straight up to me and said “ I know a lot about space!” Sooo gonna try that in the bar. I zipped back yeah, what about Uranus!” Pronounced YOUR-ANUS. Then quickly thought, well this is a great way to get arrested. The kid had a puzzled look on his face, Uh… I mean UR-IN-US, the seventh planet from the sun? He smiles, “have a good day!” He turns running back to the mini-van. God, if ya’ll don’t hear from me it’ll be because I’m jail. Have I mentioned how much I hate kids?

Here's a pic of me topless in the Jeep:

Tales from the Safeway

I had to run to the Safeway today to pick up a Happy Retirement card for someone I’ve never met from our corporate HQ. I find it soothing to by crap for people I don’t know, but I’m not in my office so hey. I get to the check out line and the woman in front of me turns to me like we do each others Pedies and giggles “I’ve forgot something, watch my cart and you can go in front of me.” Now the word “Coolie-O” came out of my mouth, I don’t really know why. But hey we’re pedie mates so coolie-o. I’m standing there for a while and I’m having fun judging what’s in her basket, thanking God I’m gay. The Hets buy some weird stuff. So she comes back and starts loading her groceries onto the belt. I thought of doing it for her but ewww, I’m not touching Pampers even in the package. As I get to the cashier I state that I’m just getting the card. She responds “what about your groceries?” I turn and the lady is gone, again. Trying to be funny I say “I would never buy Ragu.” Then together the cashier and I look down to see that there is no Ragu anywhere on the belt. Obviously she had looked to see me standing by myself by this shopping cart, and now Ragu lover has disappeared leaving me with pampers and no sauce to go with them. “Sir what do you wanted me to do with your groceries?” Now they’re mine? “Sell them to the next lady that comes up to you” I say “I just want this card Please.” She then muttered something under her breath that sounded like “crazy fool.” So she rings up my card in time for Ms. Pasta Sauce to return and says “Thank you Mr. Leroy” Without thinking I shoot “Who” “Earl Leroy, it says soooooo on THE card.” Now since I was using the company card it has my bosses name not mine. Oh….yes. “And it’s Mr. Le Roy” I grab my card and run away.

Tummy ache with the cow

I pretty much decided to get the stomach flu yesterday. Good choice I thought. So I stayed home all day yesterday. As we hung out on the Super-squishy ell shaped sofa of love I realized that I had not spent a day at home in years. The last time was during the “Great Steve Pneumonia Scare” of 04. I hate spending time at home, “just hanging out” I’ve always got be going somewhere. So even though I was home sick I did laundry and vacuumed. I was, however to sick to even log on to Big Muscle.com, now that’s sick.
Did I ever mention that Fuzzy has this dead cow on the wall, not a whole dead cow just the hide or fur. I think it’s kind of cool, as much a dead cow hanging on your living room wall can be. But I’ve been staring at the cobwebs for way to long. So with the stomach flu I grabbed the vacuum drug it and myself on to the loft area and sucked it clean. He’s a very clean cow now. And am happy even if I’m sick as a dog.
I think I'm gonna host a "name the cow" contest. I'll get some pics of him/her/it so you can really feel the name come to you. I'd post them now but I'm to busy puking to work my Instamatic.

SODOMITE SNACK CAKE

Okay seriously, are all snack cakes gay? I was on the internets the other day looking for images and I found this yummy if not flaming layout. I don’t remember snacks cakes being so swishy. Like they would get their delicious little cream-filled heads bashed in if they walked through the corn chips turf in the vending machine. So on the left there’s “The Captain” a dark, fudgy daddy in uniform. Then there’s Twinkie the Kid, I love the hearts on his scarf very broke back."I wish I could quit you!" Next is what it would look like if a chocolate roll was “rolling” during a Peter Pan Themed Atlantis cruise T-dance. His bags have “water” bottles and tiny little glow sticks in them. On the right is apparently an Oscar Wilde cream pie. Yummy, and sharp witticisms on every bag. You didn’t hear this from me but Chocolate Roll is a huge druggie bottom. Just so ya know.

No man knows Whitney's Naked Burritos

We went to Tracks to dance last night. They have two rooms, one with a DJ flown in from somewhere and the “Retro” room. I of course was in the retro room. They played Whitney Houston's I Wanna Dance with Somebody, now I have to admit that I loved Whitney. Early Whitney, being the dork that I am I knew that this song was released in May of 1987. I then looked around and realized that every guy around us was born in 1987. I went to stand by the bar. The highlight of the evening was upon leaving the Burrito Lady was waiting for us. I declared my undying love for her and she just gave me the look of understanding like a priest would give to one of their flock. Sometimes at night I dream of her.

So, I went to see Naked B4 God. Which had neither nakedness nor God in. Yes, it was horrible. Mike Jones’ acting was as good as you would think a guy with 30-years in the escort business would be. Don’t quit your day job. He was a step away from chewing on the scenery. And yet as the train wreck kept twisting and piling up I realized that Mike seems like an incredibly nice guy. Someone you’d want to sit next to at Thanksgiving, he comes from a great well-adjusted place that ya can't help but applaud his courage. So way to go Mike, just take acting lessons.

It’s Easter morning and I have successfully avoided any calls from the family. Yeah, I’m sure I just jinxed myself. Wouldn’t it lovely to not drive to the Mom’s house to listen to the family actively avoid asking me any questions about my personal life. “So Steve, How’s….work treating you?” I would then reply “Well I fucked 2 menz butts and had a muscled gym buddy pee on my chest.” “Well that’s great! It’s important to keep busy.” Thanks aunt Helen. That and Mormons are world famous for being horrid cooks.

I took a strange exit off the Highway mostly because I really needed gas yesterday . As I came off the fly over a Jetta merged into my lane and came inches to taking us out. I swirved and contained myself getting back to being desperate about gas. As I pulled up to the nearest pump I got out and quickly realized that the Jetta was pulling up behind me and the driver was hopping out. Great, this is not going to end well. My Pumas are sooo going to get scuffed. “Dude” barks the 20 year old with his cap turned to the side. I think “Puff up puff up they hate that” So I roll my shoulders up and hold the gas hose with manly confidence. "Dude.. Sorry about that back there. I didn’t see you.” Uhhhh, OK no big. “Are we cool?” Yep, no big... thanks. Dude turns, jumps in to the Jetta and zips away.

Walter and Perry

On Adult Swim (AKA The Cartoon Network) there’s a cartoon called Home Movies. If you have not seen this little show you should DVR it. It has Paula Poundstone as Brendan Small’s Mom. The highlight of your experience will be meeting Walter and Perry. they're the original happiest gay couple in the world. Check them out.




In a world out of control this truly is a love story for our time...

McJesus

I had to teach class at work today. The monkeys never really listen but I talk about teamwork and integrity and they try not to fall asleep. On my way in I stopped at McDonald’s to pick up some bribes or breakfast, whichever. So I approached the counter and asked Jesus for 30 egg McMuffins. He wasn’t the real Jesus just a 19 year old with the same name, in case you where wondering. So I say “Morning, may I have 30 egg McMuffins?” Jesus replied. “ Do ya want deese for heere or to go?”
“Um, to go please. When I stay and eat people tend to stare.” Jesus didn’t even blink, damn he’s good.

Naked B4 God

Naked B4 God. Oh god Mike Jones, the escort who exposed New Life pastor Ted Haggard now tries to stay in our hearts.
When Mike Jones first came forward and exposed not only the hypocrisy of an extremely right wing pastor who “taught” the evils of Homosexuality by speaking up about their “blow by blow” relationship, but also shed a light on the fundamental Christian church and how it's tiring to rewrite America in it’s own image. I was impressed and a little giggly.
Then he appeared on every news program on the planet exposing the dark secrets and evils of the fundamentalist and gave every flaming drug filled detail. I applauded.
Next was the book with every detail of the relationship and the saga explained. Now, for full disclosure I have not read this book, unless it has Superman as the main antagonist I probably won’t read. But I respected that he held his own feet to the flames to get this documented. How many books are out there by right wing authors spewing forth lies about Homosexuality? Now comes the Mike Jones stage show? Seriously? You can read a blurb on it at Towleroad.com This seams to me that now Mike Jones is trying to take his 15 minutes and stretch them as far as they’ll go. It was a great steed he road in on but can we please put this one trick pony out to stud?

Do we need a Ted Haggard all singing all dancing spectacular spectacular? Naked B4 God, at first glance it’s just to stretch out a bit more of Mike’s “day in the sun.” So will I go? Well Mike is kinda hot. Maybe they’ll do some hot nude screens, but how hot is it when you know it’s the pastor of New life Church which pressed hard to pass a constitutional amendment against same sex marriage? Well if he was on bottom then maybe.
More about the Ted and Mike love connection.
And more.

My Weekend

I helped a friend move his Mom this past weekend. His Dad recently passed away and friends and family rallied together to move the Mom out of the family’s house and into a more manageable townhouse. It took quite awhile to load up the hugest U-haul I’ve ever seen not to mention 5 cars worth of family belongings.

This event was rattling to say the least on the family as they were in the process of saying goodbye to the patriarch and the house the kids were raised in. Saturday we got over to the new house and everyone pitched in to unload this behemoth of a truck. Once the truck was unloaded I started to unload the Mom’s car, I grab a Crock Pot and a beach bag looking knapsack. I ‘m pretty excited we’re almost done with out major breakdowns from my friend or his two sisters. As I reach the front door I stop and start talking about how great it feels to be almost done. Just then I hear someone scream. My buddy then turns to me as says “You GOT to be kidding me?! Dude that’s my Dad!” I look down into the Crock Pot. He then takes the bag from my hand. Their father’s ashes were being swung around by me inside of a knapsack. The sisters were still recoiling in horror.

So that was my weekend. You?

I have satellite tonight

So I raced home today to meet the Direct TV install guy. I was excited because this is the man that will return to me the world of Logo, Bravo and CNN. Well and maybe because of all the years of watching porn with the “Cable Guy coming over to work in my box.” Wow, Colt so lied to me. I know its not Colts fault. I could never be mad at Colt, but still. My install guy looks like the creepy guy from Goonies.
It’s so nice that he found work after his film career. So this dude starts to talk to me about the “bitchin” NFL channels, this is where I decide that the only thing to do while an unattractive install guy is molesting my Sony is to clean my oven. Dude as I call him is unaware that he will bring The Big Gay Sketch show into my well-appointed living room. Not that the NFL has 849 channels beamed to my dish. It took all of 2 minutes to clean my oven because I’ve used it exactly once to heat up Tater tots. Just as I start daydreaming of yummy baked tots the tunes on the Macbook changed and Cibo Matto's Sci-Fi Wasabi starts blaring. And, yes I started to dance a little, and yes I had a spatula in my hand just in time for Dude to approach me to explain all about the DVR. All chance of saving my dignity where gone. That NEVER happens in Colt not even Titan. But I have Logo and Dude has something to tell the wife. To which she’ll reply, “Didn't you tell him about the NFL?"