Friday, August 29, 2008


So I called my old cell phone company.
Hi there, my contract is up and I was wondering…..”
“You must speak to The Golem.” Said the voice.
“Uh, I thought that the Golem couldn’t speak?” CLICK, click buzzzz click, pop.
“The Golem speaks!!!!”
"Uh Hi......Mr. Golem My name is StevieB and I had questions about my contract.”
“The Golem knows all about contracts!”
“Okay… Well I bought an Iphone..”
“The Golem does not obey Iphone! Only Rabbi Bezalel and Qwest Communications!“
“That’s great… really. My questions is that my contract is up with your Rabbi and Qwest and I would like to take my phone number to AT&T for my new Iphone. See what I mean?”
“The Golem does not obey Iphone! Only Rabbi Bezalel and Qwest Communications! “
“Oy, yes! That’s great. But I want my phone number from you now that my contract is up.”
“Your contract with Rabbi Bezalel and Qwest Communications does not culminate until the thirty-first day of the month of Adar !”
“Is that August?”
“I only tell the truth!” Barked The Golem.
“So can I have my number moved before August 31st? “
“200 hundred dollars and you are set free!!!”
“Uhmm, really?” I stammered and stuttered.
“YES!!! And feel the wraith of THE GOLEM! Or wait until the first day of September and remove your number form the children of Israel's sight! I am The Golem!”
WOW, for being the spirit of Joseph Sheda that’s pretty harsh.
“I am the Golem!”
“Okay, okay sorry. I just wait unitl the first, so anyway I thought that you could not speak?”
“And the Lord God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul, Genesis 2:7.”
“Yeah?” I said “that’s cool. I have an Iphone.”
“The Golem taught himself to speak at community college! I am the Golem! Thank God for calling!” Click.
And that’s why I still don’t have my Iphone, I have to wait until Monday or I’ll be attacked by a super-human clod of clay without a soul.

Jesus Christ.


Howard said...

And then it's Labor Day and I bet Qwest 'Customer Service' is closed. I'm waiting for my Qwest contract to expire: Feb 20. Ugh.

Gooster said...

AT&T should port your # over for you. Enjoy your Precious but watch out for the Golem! Someday, you will be throwing that ringtone into the firey bowels of hell! LOL

Anonymous said...

Oh goody, I won't have to deal with the Veizon Golem until 12/31/09. fc

Michael said...

C'mon pay the $200 so you can get it early.

Of course you could still just walk around and pretend to use and hope to god your existing phone doesn't THAT would be embarrassing!