I have satellite tonight

So I raced home today to meet the Direct TV install guy. I was excited because this is the man that will return to me the world of Logo, Bravo and CNN. Well and maybe because of all the years of watching porn with the “Cable Guy coming over to work in my box.” Wow, Colt so lied to me. I know its not Colts fault. I could never be mad at Colt, but still. My install guy looks like the creepy guy from Goonies.
It’s so nice that he found work after his film career. So this dude starts to talk to me about the “bitchin” NFL channels, this is where I decide that the only thing to do while an unattractive install guy is molesting my Sony is to clean my oven. Dude as I call him is unaware that he will bring The Big Gay Sketch show into my well-appointed living room. Not that the NFL has 849 channels beamed to my dish. It took all of 2 minutes to clean my oven because I’ve used it exactly once to heat up Tater tots. Just as I start daydreaming of yummy baked tots the tunes on the Macbook changed and Cibo Matto's Sci-Fi Wasabi starts blaring. And, yes I started to dance a little, and yes I had a spatula in my hand just in time for Dude to approach me to explain all about the DVR. All chance of saving my dignity where gone. That NEVER happens in Colt not even Titan. But I have Logo and Dude has something to tell the wife. To which she’ll reply, “Didn't you tell him about the NFL?"

Inconsequential Ramble

So accidentally ordered Direct TV tonight. I didn’t mean to, I just went on their site to check out what they had to offer. Oops, DVRing the Big Gay Sketch show. That’ll suck. So for Christmas I got Season one and Two of Dallas on DVD. For my Birthday I got seasons three and four. Thank you Carl. Yeah, I like Dallas the 70’s TV show. I’m sure there are dorky things you do. I do have to pace the watching after I was up until 3AM watching way to much on my Mac all curled up in bed. They tried to make me go to Dallas rehab and I said No, no no.

Since Fuzzy has been working late this week, Harley the Shar-Pei has been hanging out with me on the super squishy ell shaped sofa of love. We’ve been curled up watching Dallas and cruising Big Muscle Bear. I came across of all things a new song by Paula Abdul called Dance like there’s tomorrow, no I did not see it on American Idol. It is really good, Harley loves it and he has great taste in dance music. When he’s not peeing in the hallway.

Today at work was no different then any other I was horribly bored so like every day it seams I had a “conference call” with Frank and Dalton. While we were talking I also googled some new domain names. The first was Stevieb rocks.com which turns into Stevie brocks.com then I did one for Dalton, Dalton in New York.com I used NY which came out Daltoninny.com “Dalto ninny” I found this hugely funny to the point that I could not breathe. Mighty mighty Dalton failed to see the humor in this.

YouTube from the big gay boat

Here's a YouTube vid from the big gay boat. Poor Carl.

Valentine's Day with Mr. and Mrs. Roper

So this Valentines Day Fuzzy was determined to get our heart shaped groove on. I tell anyone that will listen to my ramblings that I hate Valentines Day. It ranks somewhere between grocery shopping and getting anal probed with a traffic cone. But he actually wanted to do something. I hate it when boyfriends want to “do stuff.” So Tuesday I find out that we have reservations at the 17th avenue grill. At 6pm we meet for dinner, I even dressed up, underwear and everything. It’s one of those fancy places that stack their two tops so closes your pretty much eating with complete strangers. As I approach the table I size up our neighbors. Mr. and Mrs. Roper to the left and a hip 30ish couple to the right. I think well here comes the Queers to insert our gayness right in the middle. Did I mention that Fuzzy had a huge heart shaped box of chocolates and a oversized bag with tissue fling everywhere under his arm? We slide in and Fuzzy informs me that we should have a great time and that we are going to enjoy this. Well, it’s not like we’re in the hole at the state pen. Our server who happens to be Jan Brady leans over Mr. Roper and asks us what would we like to drink, he orders a riesling I ask for her finest Diet Coke. She then tried to not roll her eyes but failed. I state to her and the Ropers “I thought it was funny” To which Mrs. Roper states, “yes, yes it was.”

Dinner was great; they had lamb, rabbit and veal on the menu. So we celebrate Valentine’s day by eating every cute cuddly creature that Bambie might of frolicked with? As this came out of my mouth the hip girl on my right kind of choked on the bite she was putting in her mouth. I giggled a little. Then kicked under the table and sent the huge heart box fling onto their feet. When it was time to open the bag of tissue Mrs. Roper started to gush. “Oh, I hope there’s a card! That’s so nice, you’re so lucky” I then pull out an amazing silver picture frame with a shot we had done on the gay boat. Mrs. Roper takes this from my hand and holds it in her hand like the Holy Grail. Holds it up for Mr. Roper to see then shows Jan and the gaggle of lesbians in the booth over in the corner. “You look so happy.” I smile and respond, “Yeah, we were on X.” Now that I think of it I did have a great time and I did enjoy it.

Buckingham Square me

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BACK TO LIFE

The worst part about taking a dream vacation is coming back. Spending 7 days with all your closest friends not to mention 3,982 other gays is nothing less then incredible. But as we left that boat the realization of returning home not to mention spending 12 hours on an airplane was a pin to my big gay happy balloon. The best part of the Miami airport was sleeping on the floor, somehow it worked out that Dalton my Ex and Fuzzy my current and myself ended up on the same patch of carpet in concourse C. There were several litters of men sleeping in piles around the airport. It looked like a tasteful, gay Jim Jones had passed out the grape Kool-Aid. If you’ve never had the joy of sleeping on the floor in an airport with the Ex and your new partner I highly recommend it.
Depressurizing has been a challenge; I don’t think I like life without a bass beat. In the last week I’ve reanalyzed that I really don’t understand straight people, like last night. I’m at the Kroger, Krogering and as I am checking out I start watching the bagger wiggle. Why is he wiggling I ask my self? He then blurts out to the cashier “ Look at me I’m dancing!” to which the cashier replies, “You’re dancing like a gay guy!” My ears perk up, what did she just say? He keeps dancing as happy as can be. The cashier then repeats herself. “You’re dancing like a gay guy!” Okay, we’re on! I’m pissed. I’m gonna go off stating that…….. Then I stop and think, she didn’t say anything real derogatory. And well yeah he was sort of dancing like a gay guy would. Just not as magnificent. What should I say? Hey, he’s not dancing like a gay guy, we dance much better! Isn’t this derogatory against straights? Well it would be the truth. So I simply say, If he were dancing like a gay guy he’d have poppers in his hand.

Shaving cream! Yummy!

On Saturday mornings I get to shower with the boyfriend. This last Saturday no different, I end up shaving while he's under the water brushing his teeth. When Fuzzy brushes his teeth he starts to foam at the mouth like a wolf just got released into a field of fluffy sheep. Frothy foam starts to spray everywhere. He's like a leatherman with rabies. So he’s frothing away when I turn to rinse my razor. Since he’s standing under the water I raise my razor above his head just as he looks up, opens his mouth and starts to rinse the toothpaste goatee from his mouth. Now it’s possible that I didn’t rinse my beard stubble razor into his mouth but yeah I’m sure I did.
On Thursday we leave for the biggest gay cruise in history and he’s the lucky guy that gets to spend a week with all this muscle…and inconsiderate jerkyness.

Neil Patrick Harris has Cancer

One of my associates, or monkeys as I like to call them came into my office broken up. Now this happens quite often, some person all rifled up because of something someone did. Sally is late 50ish and everything that happens in the office seams to throw her into a tail spin. I think of the time that the floors were to glossy and were hurting her eyes. She requested that I dull the floor. Today she walks in to tell me that her son was in the hospital and was diagnosed with testicular cancer. I quickly jump into counselor mode. Offer her a tissue and start to talk about her son. She tells me the story of her son’s struggle through the tests and being strong for his wife and kids. I mention that this is not a death sentence. Many people have been faced with this struggle. I then mentioned that Neil Armstrong went through a huge battle with testicular cancer. “And look at everything he’s accomplished.” Sally States “Wow really?” “Yeah and he’s the strongest people I’ve ever seen.” She is obviously relieved, “and to think he went to the moon and back. Well if he can do it I’m sure my boy can!”
It’s just at that point that I realize what I said, What I meant to say was Lance Armstrong. But at this point she is so built up that an astronaut that she obviously admires went through the same thing her son I couldn’t bring myself to tell her it was actually the skinny bicycle rider who wins contests in France . She just happens to have a “Boycott France ” bumper sticker on her car.
So I gave Neil Armstrong ball cancer. Is that so wrong? She’s happy, the son will be inspired life is good, another person helped. Later I tried to retell the story and messed up the names again and gave cancer to Neil Patrick Harris. Cancer for Everyone!

Painting Madness

I found this pic on Big Muscle Bear. I thought you'd enjoy.
Sponge painting?
If you notice you can't see his hands, I think there's a sponge in each hand.

Road to the White House '09

Why is it that I cannot escape the presidential caucuses and primaries?

I turned on the radio in the jeep today just long enough to plug in the iPod, but in that split second I’ve heard a sound bite from Hillary who was “connecting to the people” in a diner somewhere in the mid-west. Meanwhile Barack Obama is “calling for Change.” Seriously has there ever been a candidate that does not call for change? I’m sure that Ogg called for change in the way that dinosaurs were being skinned. Did you hear that the creepy Baldwin (well they’re all creepy) but Stephen Baldwin called Howard Stern last week? Keep in mind that he’s the Baldwin that does all the Left Behind movies. He stated that he agrees with Mike Huckabee’s take on the bible and same-sex marriage, that he would ban it if he were President. If there was a poll, I’m sure that Mike Huckabee would be voted “Most likely to have molested a child.” But hell if the Baldwin’s like him…

Why is that Christen fundamentalists hate Mormons so much? The only reason Huckabee is surging is because they’re scared of Mitt Romney. Is it because there’s a group that’s more subversive then them? I don’t think so. Being raised in the Mormon Church I remember being “taught” that the only thing lower than being black was being Catholic, or Baptist, or Presbyterian or really anything but Mormon. So I guess there’s no love lost.

I’m going to vote Democrat. I don’t really care if the party puts up a 1970 Ford Maverick without the Grabber trim package, no spoiler and a non-working 8track player. I’ll vote for it, it’ll have a better foreign policy then any Republican I’ve seen. So if this is the case why, oh why do I need to see long news stories of what pie each candidate ate at a New Hampshire diner? But on the other hand, the one candidate who keeps being blasted for no foreign policy experience, Barak just called both sides of the Kenya conflict to get them back to the negotiation table after the disputed election left thousands dead. Get her.

Resolutions 2008

Well it’s 2008. This is the week were every news source is doing a 2007 reflective. Can I just watch CNN without having to see Mahmoud Ahmadinejad once again going on how he wants to meet more homosexuals in his country?

This is also the time when I take stock and look back on the last year to see what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown as a man. As I do this I can tell what kind of year I’ve finished. The first on the list was if your out of dishwasher detergent you can not use dish liquid, this will give you the feel of a foam party at your local leather bar, but in your kitchen. Next was, never tell your upstairs neighbor that her dog is getting chunky. She will hear that you called her chunky and give you dirty looks for the remainder of the year. Also, The public Library really does want all the books they gave you back. And The number one thing I learned in 2007 is… If you book a gay cruise in January of 08, all you’ll want is for 2007 to get done so you can get on the gay boat.

My big “New Years Resolution” for 2007 was to…. Something having to do with remembering things. Maybe writing things down. But I can’t really remember. This year I’m going to be much better. Here is my list for 2008:
1. Have a Breakfast Burrito Supreme at Pete’s Kitchen.
2. Stop making fun of guys at the gym that are wearing MC Hammer pants.
3. When I leave the first drive up window but yet have not arrived at the second drive up window to stop looking down at my cup holder and panicking that I did not get my Diet Coke and cussing that the Bas-tards forgot to give me my Diet Coke. Due to the fact that it is in fact always waiting for me at the second window.
4. Stop telling Child Molester jokes to Frank.
5. Upon seeing much more muscular guys stop thinking “Well I’ve got a much better sense of style and a much bigger cock.” It's true but really.
I think that these 5 resolutions will get me through 2008 and my life as it has been lived with dignity will remain in full contact.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNOTOAD

WHITE CHRISTMAS

Christmas was great, ate of course way to much. It snowed about 8 inches on Christmas day making it one of the few white Christmas’ in Colorado. We got over to Frank and Kevin’s around noon for sausage bread and the snow was already coming down at a good clip. The Twelve of us always have a “Chinese gift exchange.” We ended up having one of the deadliest exchanges on record. This was due to Fuzzy and Michelle in a head lock over a crock-pot. Accusations and pears where thrown. At one point it was the Straights against the gays. Sad, but true in the end Michelle went home with the crock-pot.
I received season one and two of Dallas on DVD. And yes, it is Dallas the TV show and No, no matter how much you beg, you can not borrow it. Yesterday I called in sick and spent the day hanging out with Fuzz the Boyfriend, took down the tinsel tree, went to the gym then to Daz Bog for coffee. As I was parking the Jeep, I noticed a very well dressed lady carrying about four Macy’s bags on her shoulder, since there around six inches of snow on the ground I thought this lady is dedicated to shopping. Then I realized that she was walking down the street sprinkling ice melt in front of her. I guess to not slip on the ice. She stops and scoops again from one on the Macys’ bags. “Wow,” I said “Macy’s carries ice melt?” To which Fuzz replies, “and it’s probably sixty bucks.”

Gay Marriage 08

As 2008 comes upon us I think the major thing on everyone's mind will be the election. The stupidity has already started, because of this I plan not to watch the news or yard signs until 2009. The Republican debate once again is the gays and how we as a group are bringing down the sanctity of marriage. I believe that gay marriage may go something like this......">



I believe I'm more of a Perry than a Walter. Now seriously, how can the happiness of Walter and Perry hurt anyone. They just want to be happy, how can this be wrong?

5 DAYS AND COUNTING

It’s been 5 days since I said goodbye to Chester.

Chester was my Chesapeake bay retriever. He was also my best friend and companion for 12 years. He was with me when I left Jeff and made the move to Dallas. He greeted me when I came home. He made every strange apartment I’ve had into a home. After a long time struggling with arthritis and hip dysphasia I finally came to the realization that his quality of life was slowly sinking. On Friday the 14th I gave him up. I picked up my best friend and loaded him in to the back of Frank’s Xterra. I scratched his head while I told him how much he meant to me. I whispered in his ear that I loved him and that I’ll see him soon. I let him know that he should be a good boy until then. I quickly shut the door.

True friends prove themselves almost effortlessly, by their actions they express how much of a family you’ve become. This came through clearly when Frank and Fuzzy drove away. The three of them had an appointment at the vet. I was told they sat talking to Chester while the vet inserted a IV needle into his back hip. As Fuzzy scratching Chester’s ears he told him what a great boy he was as he drifted off to a peaceful sleep. I have to believe this, and that he stared and Frank and Fuzzy happy that he had his people around. I pray that he did not wonder where I was.

TREE HUGGER

So here’s another online profile question. What’s up with the guys posing naked with their Christmas tree? I keep see more and more of these. They’re flexing and shoving the business towards the camera right in front of the cute little angle atop the tree in the living room. The best part is when you run across these in the middle of the summer. Maybe it’s some kind of fetish. Now I thought I’ve heard of most fetishes, even a guy with a Santa Claus fetish. But a crush on your tree? What did the poor thing ever do to you?

Here's a pic for ya:

NEW LIFE CHURCH

Police said Monday that the gunman who killed two people at a mega church in Colorado Springs and two people at a missionary training school in Arvada was the same troubled 24-year-old man. What the media is telling you is that Matthew Murray is responsible for the crime. But no one is talking about the real motivation behind the attacks. Murray carried and assault rifle, two handguns and more than 1,000 rounds of ammunition on Sunday December 9th. But his motivation goes back to being thrown out of the Youth With A Mission school 5 years ago. This is the right wing youth mission evangelical outreach that brain washes kids to go around the world to “convert” people of other faiths to Christianity. This group has been linked to the motivation behind Muslims extremists’ belief that America is out to destroy Islam. Matthew had been sending hate mail and posting comments and letters online for years. A law enforcement official that spoke on condition of anonymity said it appeared Murray "hated Christians." Through Matthew’s own writings it was found out that Matthew was in fact homosexual. The real reason that Matthew was kicked out of the Youth With a Mission was that it was found out. They turned the backs on him asking him not to return. This was the only peer group Matthew had ever know due to his religious home schooling.

Fast forward to 2006, Ted Haggard pastor of this church publicly admits unspecified "sexual immorality" with the infamous Denver male escort, Mike Jones. This forces Haggard to resign as president of the National Association of Evangelicals, where he held sway in Washington and condemned homosexuality, after Mike claimed to have had drug-fueled trysts with him. The New Life church is rocked, and yet the congregation ends up forgiving Ted then inviting Mike to their services to forgive him. Matthew sees this as utterly hypocritical and is left wondering why his church would forgive Ted and even Mike and yet closed its doors to him. As we now know Matthew directs his anger and hurt directly at the church. Do you believe that this will be a lesson learned or just chalked up to the law enforcement official who stated that Murray just "hated Christians.”

Roid Rage

I was dragging my ass into the gym last night, through the snow. Getting all ready to pump the guns. As I walked through the parking lot I noticed a very hot gym rat leaving all sweaty and musclie. He then grabbed his key fob out of his jacket and beeped at his SUV. The automatic lift gate raised then upon setting his cute little gym bag inside it lowered and shut. My first thought was “wow, That’s kind of cool.” Then I realized that this guy went to the gym lifted heavy plates above his head for pert neer an hour then had the SUV open for him so he didn’t have to strain himself. Clearly the terrorists have won. Is that saying passé? Like “this shit is bananas!” Anyway, the word for 2007 was wh00t. I guess this is the new word being added to the dictionary, not that I ever use one. A dictionary, not a wh00t. A wh00t is an online expression of glee. As in “This shit is bananas. Wh00t!”
In the middle of shoulder press last night Fuzzy the boyfriend mentioned Christmas presents. We went back and forth from buying presents to waiting for the cruise so we can do something onboard. He then mentioned that he wanted to buy me roids for the cruise. Okay not really roids but a “healthy, legal version.” Well more of a supplement. Ummm, I can’t believe is not steroids! Steroids lite! Steroids free! Don’t get me wrong I want to be huge no matter what. I in no way want to be healthy. I want to be totally ripped and yet be winded if I try to cross the street. But just as he mentioned this, the song “I’m getting nothing for Christmas” hit me but I started singing “I’m getting steroids for Christmas, and I’m going to get backcne.” Apparently I then sang this for quite awhile enough to drive Fuzzy to snap “Or not!” So this is my new Christmas wish, a banned chemical substance.

IDICK

So I went to a big gay holiday party on Saturday and it went really well. There was 8 inches of snow just to set the mood. This was the first of Carl’s parties
were I didn’t want to deck someone during the festivities. Frank taught me a new word. “Idick” This stems from the guys who kept showing off their Iphones to anyone that would come within 50 feet. The more they talk about their iphones and how their lives have become so “cosmopolitan” the more they become huge dickheads. Hence Idick, the act of being a dick for showing off your Iphone like anyone really cares. You still live in a city with a larger tax base for football then the museums. Just because you have an Iphone doesn’t make you any less socially awkward.

Speaking of awkward did you see in the news that Al Gore won the Nobel peace prize? During part of this process he and the other Nobel laureates got to meet with President George Bush. During this meeting W stated that if it weren’t for a change of fate President Gore would be greeting him in the oval office to congratulate him for winning the Nobel. What the freaking hell! Why on earth would W win a Nobel. Are they giving them out for vodka drinking and bad articulation?

JACK IS BACK

When I left Dallas I left behind the only man I ever loved. Well, the only fast food man I’ve ever loved. It was a tough decision to leave Dallas and Jack. Jack in the box is pretty much the best fast food on the planet. Did you know that Jack actually invented the drive through? Smart guy, when I left the bar I really didn’t want to have to get out of the Jeep in chaps just to get some food. The drive through was invented just to save the general public form having to see my 2:30AM bare ass.

When Dalton and I left Dallas it was with a heavy heart. I knew I was coming to a place that didn’t have Jack in the Box. Yes, there really was a place. A city that had no yummy Breakfast Jacks or 99-cent tacos. Now Denver had Jack in the boxes back in the 90s. But then they released their e.coli burger. A flesh-eating bacterium on a bun. After that they pulled out of the state. I had to suffer in somewhat silence all this time. That was until I was perusing through the Denver Post and found and article that my man was coming back to Denver. I felt renewed, like my man was coming back from war. Some sort of fast food war where they fought with sweet, sweet ketchup. The only problem was they didn’t have a grand opening date. So after five times of driving across town, did I mention that it’s completely across town? They finally opened and I am now reunited with my yummy breakfast jack and my sweet antenna ball headed man, Jack. If you want to go hit me up I’ll go any time. Or you can find me there with a tray of jack’s burgers and sweet ketchup on my chin.

GayJeeps

Gaywheels.com has ranked the top gay cars for 2007. The #1 car is a total surprise to me. The Toyota Yaris came out right above the Saab 9-3. Now I believe the Saab, I have dated no less then 3 guys that drove Saabs. But the Yaris, Seriously? This tiny little car just seams so not gay. Now if they said the Prius I’d understand. From my experience in the gay ghettos I would think that the Jeep Wrangler would be up on the list and yet no Jeeps or trucks where listed.

This is not just because I happen to drive a Jeep Wrangler but more based on my on dating and just experience with “the gays.”

Yes It’s time for one of StevieB’s rules of dating. My rule on cars are, I don’t date guys that drive them. Especially after dating 3 guys that drove Saabs, from then on I decided that I will only date a guy if he drove a truck. I’m just more attracted to the kind of guy that would drive a big butch truck. So there.
You just can’t ignore the gay Jeeps of America. I really need to Google that. Then maybe start that as a gay subclass, because that’s what the gay community needs is more subclasses. Then spinning off from this group they’ll have Lesbian Jeeps of America then Bear Jeeps then Furry Jeeps. That’s if you’re gay and think you’re a dog but want the wind to blow through your fur as you drive. As a gay Jeep Dog?
Seriously, I’m going to start GayJeeps. “ We’re here, We’re Queer. We like to drive around without our shirts so you can see our large and manly pecs!” Catchy hu? I’m going to have Dalton make T-shirts.
If your one of the un-lucky and don’t have a Jeep, you can still join but as a Jeep Admirer. Who’s with me? I need help pouring beer at the Eagle Beer Bust.

45 and not a day to soon

It’s 45 days until the next big gay cruise, man I can’t wait. I am so ready for a break. The whole being a responsible adult thing is getting me down. I’m a HR manager which really means that I baby-sit adults. Today was no different. Someone came crying into my office to say that she caught her boyfriend in bed with another woman. She then cried for about 5 minuets. How did I end up with a job where I have to be nice to people? At what point to do we start living from vacation to vacation? Well it does not really matter because I’m going on the largest gay cruise ever. Yippy!

My Christmas Sixpack

I just received my invite to the annual cookie exchange. Wow, that sounded really gay didn’t it? Even for me. Since I’ve shared my adventure from years past I think I just might not participate. Oh I’m going, Hello open bar but I just may pass of the baking part.
I’m desperately trying to cut some muscles and for that I need to lose 5 more pounds by the cruise in January. As muscle gains go I’m getting to the point where I have good mass but you can’t really see the progress due to layer of “insulation.” I’m now believing that everyone has a six pack it’s just hidden under layers of fat. So baking holiday joy may not be the best for me.

Thank you Carl and Will, now this what I needed a Chistmas party. I’m still not dragging that garland crap out of the closet but there is something about holiday parties that gets me happy. Well, that and Joe will be there. God he’s hot. Sometimes I just stare at his muscular forearms and giggle.

Picture Pectoral Perfect

Gay men as a whole must be afraid of technology. Maybe not afraid, just not sure all the benefits of their technology. Yes, I know I’m generalizing or as the Department of Home land security is so apt in I’m “profiling.” The gays love the newest and the very best. Do you think Apple would be gaining huge market shares if it were not for the shiny MacPro or as I do the clean lines of the Macbook? The gays drive the market in so many cool, shiny and expensive toys.
Why do I see so many guys unable to use their cameras? As you may or not know I’m am a “profile junkie” I spend hours on sites from Manhunt to Big Muscle Bear and every web site between. It seams to me that every profile I check out has the “I’m taking my own picture in the bathroom mirror” picture. Why is this? You can clearly see that the camera is a very nice new and not some sort of 70s Polaroid. All these cameras must have a timer? Do we as a people not know how to use the technology that we possess? I say yes. That or we’re focused on making our pecs look as big as possible. In fair disclosure I in the past was one of these bathroom guys. It took months to realize that the shower behind me was a filthy mess.
In the last couple of years we’ve all seen those independent companies pop up just to sell your crap on Ebay. How about a chain that will take your photo posed however you’d like. You could finally break out those chaps hanging in the closest. This company will give you your pictures to load them on the WWW. Oh wait, they’re called photographers. They hang out in photography studios. Never mind.

COOKIE ABORTIONS

It’s that time of year again.


It's Christmas, although that is the cause of my troubles. Let me just start by telling you about this party I went to last year over at my friends Carl's house. Well it's not a house, its really a warehouse full of art and weird bits of junk. Carl planned one of those "cookie exchange" parties. Please keep in mind that we're a group are 30-Year-old gay men and not 65-year-old Methodist women.


If you've ever had the pleasure to be invited to one of these death marches with red and green sweaters you know that you spend 3 hours making 3 dozen cookies just to let your friends mock your baking abilities. When the exchange begins you are required to line up and pick up one of each of the most God awful waste of sugar and food coloring you've ever seen. You have to pick one of each or the person behind you will be offended because he spent 3 hours making candy cane shaped abortions.


I quickly got kicked out of line after starting to eat the only cookie I liked, which just happened to be the one I brought, sad as they were. Please keep in mind I had a downloaded recipe that had the first step "Locate your kitchen." The act of eating my own treats upset some of the sweater-wearing homosexuals. It did not end well, my fist step into Christmas season and I had a small group of partygoers correcting my "cookie sharing ability." Damn. It is true; I do not play well with others

THE DATG

I’m not feeling the Christmas spirit, not even a little bit. The thought of having to pull out the lights and garland makes me queasy. In my office they turned on the canned holiday music at 5AM on DATG –or- the Day After Thanksgiving as we call it here at work. Datg? Seriously? That will just get you warm and fuzzy. How can you not care about something so damn happy? Maybe that will change when I get my bonus. Nothing says Merry Christmas like a direct deposit.

Thanks-for-not-giving

I survived Thanksgiving. That is an accomplishment in it’s own right. The fact that I went the whole week and not once had to see or interact with a single member of my family is truly a blessing. Its not that I hate my kin folk. It’s just a painful experience every time. Suddenly I’m completely invisible. It’s the whole “avoid talking to or about the queer thing.”
The last time I went to a family gathering a sister went out of her way to introduce me to other guests in fear I would say, “Hi there, I fuck man ass.” She then introduced my partner as my “friend” I have a lot of friends none of which do I rim.
When people go out of their way to make sure you know that speaking about who you are will not be tolerated that’s when I’m ready to decline the next invite. That or show up with a black trannie on my arm.

Here's a pic of us hanging out at Thanksgiving

Dalton , Neil and Ernie

There really is something about the last day of work before Thanksgiving. Dalton flies in from NY tomorrow. I’m down playing this tremendously from Fuzzy the boyfriend. Dalton is my ex but, he really is an amazing friend. I don’t really know if constantly talking about how fucking cool your ex is to your current boyfriend is that healthy. I try not to giggle when I think of cool things Dalton and I did that Fuzz I have not as of yet.

So, I see Dalton tomorrow, wow. Giggle. It would take way to long to decipher why Dalton and I aren’t together. Mostly it has to do with me being a jerk and since this is my blog I’m not going into it. If you want the truth go read Dalton ’s blog. He doesn’t have one but if he did I’m sure it would be mostly about me. Or not. I’m sure it would have nothing to do with the great life he has in Brooklyn .

So Turkey day is just two days away, Every year I get up and watch the thanksgiving day parade. When I was a kid I dreamed of being there in Harold’s square. Now that I’ve been outside of Macy’s and have seen the square. Not so much. The best part of the parade last year was Doogie Howser or Neil Patrick Harris being a HUGE QUEEN out on the street. Girl was freezing and bitter’ bout it. Did this happen when I was a kid and never noticed, I hope not. Although I do remember Ernie and Bert walking hand in hand though Harold’s Square and wishing it was me holding Ernie's hand.

WHERE'S THE BEEF

We went to lunch yesterday at Subway. As we waited in line we realized that there were two Subway associates working, an under aged pregnant girl and a skateboard dude from "regular lahunga beach." Dude, dude. Dude. The wait was long, very long. When I got to the glass my sandwich was a lot for dude to comprehend. Suddenly roast beef was missing, Dude asked Pregos “Uhh where’s the beef?” Okay so anyone over the age of 35 would of laughed. Where’s the beef?
Get it? So I laughed, Dude didn’t get it, he’s 12. Pregos replied “In the cooler” in a you Idiot kind of inflection. He walks into the cooler and is gone for a while. My stomach growls.Time passes, my laptop's OS gets more out dated. He comes out, “where is the Beef?” I laugh again. Pregos says “ up on the left” the door to the freezer closes. A while passes finally Pregos goes and opens the cooler door. Dude is standing in the middle of the cooler just staring into space. Let’s just say it took awhile to get my damn beef sandwich.

JUST ANOTHER DAY

I was out at dinner last night with some friends and as conversations always go our talk came to systemic, chronic diseases. Drugs, treatments and doctors were all discussed. Keeping healthy or preventive steps was the order of the day. Two of the friends are positive with a zero viral load and one has diabetes. At one point I stopped and realized that I had nothing to add due to not having any personal experience. I thought, “How boring am I.” Then some sort of odd guilt set in, Mormons aren’t permitted to have guilt, maybe gays ones do?

I was listening to a podcast the other day and they referred to HIV – AIDS as an issue in the past. They did do this in all reverence like referring to victims in the towers on 9/11. Yet it seams odd to be in a day where the STD sirens are not blaring and we now refer this as a chronic illness. Now if you say these words “chronic illness” in front of someone who worries about the health insurance due to that the drugs they will be taking for the rest of their life’s would be three thousand a month if it where not for the “safety net” of the drug coverage of their insurance you just might get slapped. Being a HR Manager I talk to employees about health benefits. It’s very telling when medical and drug coverage is discussed.

I guess when you start to grow up everyone has choices to make and deal with the crap that’s thrust apron them, or not thrust upon them. It reminds me of the Oingo Bingo hit Just Another Day.