DEATH BY PUSHUP

The coffee machine in my office broke yesterday. This means that I’m running sans coffee and I use the term “running” loosely. When it was determined that the coffee maker had bit the dust I dropped to my knees and screamed “Why Lord! Why have you forsaken me?!” This made the Christian lady in our office who might of jumped on fixing the coffee maker, not to happy. So I wait until I apologize to her and to her God.


This wouldn’t be such a big deal if it wasn’t for my new commitment to the gym starting this week. My new philosophy is pushups until I can’t pick myself off the mat and crunches until I slide off the bench. Why am I doing this to myself? Oh, yeah when I grow up I wanta be Scott Herman.





So excuse me now, I’m off to buy a cup of coffee. Thank Jebus the nearest Starbucks has a drive through since I can't move my arms, and will not be able to actually get out of the car.

Like a Rainbow

Over the weekend we went to the Denver Modernism Show. A trade show dedicated to all things Mid-century architecture and collectibles. We went because well…. We’re gay and it’s the law to like collecting quirky things. If we were twenty years older we would have been searching for the last bit of Erté for our collection at the Art Deco fair. So, in flip-flops and a strong understanding of late Bauhaus we marched.

During our search through chrome home furnishing and ironic art, the six of us started to discuss our childhood involving the Sears or Wards Catalogs. Here in the US you had the Sears Catalog or the Montgomery Ward’s catalogue to buy from. We were Wards.

When I was around eight my Mom took me the catalogue office inside our local Wards' department store. I remember that we were finally going to buy new towels and since there are seven kids, she was going to buy a lot of towels. I remember being so excited to have new towels to fold over and over on the unused towel bar in our heavily used bathroom. Since the plastic tiles in this room were baby blue I thought a nice Sea Foam green would accentuate nicely. As we approached the counter I explained my color palette idea like Candice on Divine Design would sit down with her clients, tossing around the color story I had in mind for this particular room of our over sized ranch house.

Quickly my design expertise was being ignored when my Mother started to order one of every color. “Like a rainbow” she explained. “No!” I shrieked. “How will I be able to folded out an entire splash of color if the towels don’t match?!” I started to panic; my design was being hacked apart. Doesn’t she understand her designer has her bathroom’s color story set?

I did what every eight year old gay boy did. I threw a tantrum in the middle of the Montgomery Ward’s catalogue department screaming that I wanted all matching towels. Candice Olsen would have done the same. She too would have been marched crying to the car.

For years I had to triple fold and hang a green hand towel on top of a red bath towel, which is why to this day I only have all white, Egyptian cotton towels.

AUGUST

I feel stuck inside a Matthew Barney film this week. Long, intriguing, and cerebral yet you sit there wandering what the hell is happening but won’t say anything in fear that you’re the only one that just doesn’t “get it”.

In the middle of a conference call this week, being chosen to head up a project I referred to myself as the team’s cathodic protection. This got blank stares. I went on to explain about blocks of reactive metal like zinc strips being attached to ship hulls to break the electron flow from oxidizing the metal of the hull. More blank stares. I then quickly decided to go the Ralph Wiggim approach and just said “You choo-choo choose me?”

I blame August. Towards the end of August everyone turns a bit odd. Maybe we get lethargic from the heat and knowing that summer is come to its climax. Like when that hot guy collapses in the bed next to you and although it was frickin amazing you start to wonder where your car is. The end of August is like that. Summer was a fun time but, soon you’ll want your own pillow to bite under your head.

Well here’s to the wrapping up of summer. Unless you’re Kez in Melbourne, then happy soon to be spring.

I WANT TO GO TO THERE

JANELLE MONAE

I stumbled across artist, Janelle Monae last night. Check her out….






Why does she evoke Lena Horne in my head?

HERE’S WHAT WE’LL SAY

Well, three days sitting in a windowless conference room on a Military command staring at PowerPoint presentations sounds fun. It really isn’t. The worst part was that the command was in the middle of remodeling their cafeteria so I didn’t get the whole “eating in the galley” experience. Other than having a Corpsman shove a plate of beef and noodles towards my head. But, speaking of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell there were a surprising amount of headless washboarded torsos on Grindr. I thought that was odd incredible hot.


Each headless torso would say, “Dude. I GHR and XYZ at 1500.” I had no idea what they were saying by rattling off acronyms, but it sure sounded cool. I just responded by saying that I was the only guy wandering around in a grey suit with beef and noodle casserole in my hair.

During my flights I read the book HERE’S WHAT WE’LL SAY by Reichen Lehmkuhl. Who, turns out was the boyfriend of Lance Bass back in ’06. Don’t hold that against him. Well, the book was quite poignant and a great read. It speaks strongly to the day to day harm that Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell plays in the armed forces. In its only goal to destroy strong, dedicated serves members just to guard small minded bigots from growing the fuck up. In this case the US Air Force Academy while Reichen was a cadet during the mid ‘90s. Although it was odd to hear stories of the Academy in that time frame because during that same time, living in Denver, I would only sleep with Air Force Cadets from that academy from Colorado Springs. Small world.

CUTE PLASTIC CRAP

There is just over a year until our IKEA opens in Denver. I know this because there’s a new blog devoted to its creation. Daddy needs a new sofa, so scurry.


In just over 70 weeks I will no longer have to plan my vacations to only cities that have IKEA. I’ll be free to walk over during lunch to be a bear in the big blue box. Cute plastic crap? Why, yes. Thank you, very much.

Speaking of far off lands, I have a work trip to beautiful downtown Norfolk, Virginia for the remainder of the week. It’s one of those travel and eat with all of your bosses type of trip that makes you be on your best behavior, wear dress shirts, and not cruise the sailors in the airport. However, the first thing I did when the travel department sent my flight Itinerary was to change my seat assignment. Four hours in a middle seat? No thank you. While I’m in luxurious Navy town of Portsmouth, I will try to snap pictures of any hot seamen I see.

IT'S JUST LIKE RIDING A BIKE

I started riding again. On Saturday I got my new rack installed on the car and set out for a ride. I really didn’t go far just across our little village but it was enough to get me back into the love of not having techno in my ear, or the phone ringing, or any other distraction to fill my monkey brain up with needless fluff.

The good thing about living toward the end of the developed outer burbs is that there are miles of miles of neighborhoods that never got completed after the crash, they laid the streets and just walked away. This means I have an entire section of town to ride without any cars trying to run me down.

When I was fourteen I started to feather my hair. I’d spend hours in the bathroom trying to get the Aqua Net to hold my hair into the same position as Steven Carrington’s perfect flip. This was also the summer that I got my first real bike. An orange ten-speed I took out near our house when a semi-trailer decided to run over me. I do remember seeing my ten-speed lying on the road bent in half along with my leg, bent in half. After dying in the ER, countless surgeries and countless screws and plates being inserted into my body I decided that I was never getting near a bike again. Never ever.

And I didn’t for quite awhile. Now my rides are half to exercise and half to exorcise.

DESKTOP FRIDAY

What's been on Steve's desk top this week? It's been a Godzilla week....

Find it here.

I kinda wish that Godzilla was holding a huge sword in this one...

Then there's the one that got looks from co-workers...

STEVIE'S CHOICE

I’ve spent quite a lot of time in the last couple day deciding whether to buy the anabolic steroid known as Stanozlolol. In bodybuilding, stanozolol is used for cutting cycles and is preferred due to the fact that it causes strength increases without excess weight-gain, promotes increases in” cutting” or definition in muscles and will not convert to estrogen.

I’ve thought long and hard about these choices and don’t make them lightly. Yes, I’ve read everything pro and con about the use of roids. Yes, I am informed about the stigma and the major benefits the push up that Stanozolol can introduce into my life. I don’t bring this topic up as a pro/con discussion. I share this with you, really because I share everything else, why not honesty in all aspects of my life.

So. As I sat at coffee the other day I rolled it over in my little monkey brain, seeing this is not a cheap choice at one hundred bucks for a small supply. What did I decide?

I opened another web page and quickly scanned Amazon.com to buy a bike carrier for my car. It should be delivered today. Soon, I’ll be able to strap the bikes to the car and get back out for some biking around Colorado. Fresh air, great adventures, and just maybe I can get the other half to join me.

I’m actually excited about getting back to biking; I’ve let it go for way to long. Colorado has countless and amazing places to ride. I believe I’ve made the right choice.

SOME PEOPLE...

I love sharing hotel rooms, it reminds me of the days when my football team would travel for matches. In my mind. It must be the comradeship that comes from “just the guys” hanging out in a hotel room, being big girls.


On the first night of our vacation, Carl-Will took one bed Jerrod-Mike in t’other and I was on the fold out in the hotel room's living room. We had taken a pilgrimage to The Cuff for some mixing with the local boys and got back to the hotel around three in the morning.

We settled in pretty quickly after a failed attempt to find a Denny’s in downtown Seattle. I picked up food from the store in the lobby, said good night to the teammates  roomies  girls and tried to get comfortable on the fold-out sofa.

Soon I realized that the drapes where left open and found myself drawn to the window. I watched people moving around their high-rise apartments across the courtyard of the hotel. "God. That guy is rearranging his apartment in the nude. At three in the morning!" I said this out loud, judging him as I stood there pressed against the glass in just shorts eating a microwave burrito.

Some people are just weird. Rearranging furniture in the nude.

DOG DAYS OF SUMER

Welcome to the dog days of summer. Early yesterday morning I went for a run in the park. Well... I drove to the park and sat in the air-conditioning as I watched guys run with their sweaty shirtless chests heaving past my car then decided to drive for a ice mocha chiller. I did go..... for a run. 

You've been a good boy? Cazwell wants to buy you ice cream…




 Suddenly I want a drumstick. Real bad.  Check out his latest album on his site, Cazwell.com

YOU ARE NUMBER 6

I decided to get a sore throat this week. It has nothing to do with the teenage tool head I sat next to on a flight last Sunday. The one that kept coughing into my trilling novel about IF George Steinbeck was a fudge packer canner or not. He wore V-neck sweaters! No straight man wears cashmere V-necks!


Well. With random, uncalled for outburst about Steinbeck, you’d think I was in bed. Nope. I’m sitting at my desk at work. I’m sitting here waiting for a project to launch with the government agency that is completely divided on how the project should work. “So… you don’t know how you want this project to work? You’re not sure about funding? You and your superior officers are still split on how to launch such a project? And you want everyone to fly in on the nineteenth to launch this program.”

*Pounds head against walnut veneer desk.*

Well. There you go. Welcome back from vacation. If you need me I’ll be here like a prisoner. And the next military guy who calls me up and says that their “Superior Officer wants something unnecessary and unfounded” I’m going to scream “WHO DOES NUMBER 2 WORK FOR!”

Too much of an obscure reference? Sorry, it’s the Targetquil talking.

THE NEEDLESS ABUSE OF RENTAL CARS

The last vacation that Fuzzy and I took that did not include a really big and really gay cruise ship was back in ’07. This is when Fuzz snapped this shot….

 

“My life as it has been lived with dignity." With a Champagne Taurus.

Wandering around Seattle last week we started talking how much we love rental cars. You can really drive anyway you want in a rental car, because there’s nothing like pushing a four door sedan to its limits. At the end of the week you just turn it in and hope they don’t find all the cheese melted into the backseat. It was during this discussion that I hopped up on the hood of our little Nissan. *

*Nissan’s are not designed to hold the weight a very large man. Just remember that.

CIVIC PLANS

Some exciting things are happening in Denver's architecture realm as of late. The biggest thing and most exciting for civic planning nerds such as me is that finally we have images of the planned airport train station and hotel. This news comes directly from Denver Infill.com. Check out the plans here.

Although stunning, my first thought goes directly to the Fortress of Solitude……

Maybe the calm smooth white walls can keep the insane Mom’s from running suitcases into my Pumas. Not that I still have scuff marks on a certain white pair or anything. Oh, Superman. Thanks to you! We soon will be able to actually take public transport to Denver's airport without shelling out sixty bucks.

In other Denver’s becoming a real city news. We’z gonna gettz another new fangled art museum. The Clyfford Still Museum has come into it's Final Design.  Also from Denver Infill.com……




Although, I’m sure that the tax dollars helped to build a museum to host Clyfford Still's head is taking away from much needed football stadium money. Drat.

BACK TO LIFE

Since my tiny monkey brain is fried from being on vacation and I walked into eight-seven emails blinking away on my computer screen this morning I really can’t fathom linking words together today. I will say that I LOVE SEATTLE. Awesome. Just frickin awesome. It didn’t hurt that we stayed in a million dollar beach cottage on an Island in the Puget Sound with a large group of amazing friends.

Last Thursday, Fuzzy and I took the car ferry from the “cottage” on Vashon Island to Seattle and bummed around Capitol Hill to see what trouble we could get into. Wow. I am such a gay ghetto, gay. We blew dough on lunching at the hipster spots. Bought a lot of t-shirts and prowled Steamworks. I do have to say that the boys at The Cuff were very friendly indeed. Like this guy…

And what did I learn? Crabs, the ocean kind are creepy.

Now… it’s back to work. Damn it.

A day on the Island

Uploaded by www.cellspin.net

VACATION

Tomorrow officially starts my vacation to Seattle, Washington.

Our bud Mike invited us to stay the week at his family’s beach house on Vashon Island across the bay from Seattle. Just a quaint little Island house right on the beach. Since we’re staying on Vashon Island then traveling via fairy to Seattle I’m not sure how my connectivity will be. So, maybe we’ll be updated the blog. Not sure yet.

What am I most excited to do in Seattle? Sadly, go to a gay gym. I love two things when I travel to another city. Visit their fast food joints and work out at the local gay gym. These are the best way to get the flavor and vibe of any city.

Gold’s Gym in the Capitol Hill area seems to be the first pick. With a review from Yelp.com like “This is one of the skankiest gyms I've ever worked out at. The men's locker room is lit like the backroom of a gay bar….”

Seriously sounds like my kind of place. But, I’m open to other suggestions.

STILL OBSESSED WITH SCOTT FROM OBSESSED

It’s been exactly one year since I blogged about Scott from the TV show Obsessed. Oddly enough they re-broadcasted this epic episode of the dreamy, incredible hunky germaphobe Scott.

Why! Why, A&E why do you taunt me so. Real life. Drama. Big Jerks.








Read the update here!

SAY GOOD-BYE TO HERB RITTS

On Saturday we finally cleaned out the garage. Around three years ago we got new furniture and decided to just put the old stuff in the garage. Just for awhile. This started a cavalcade of just opening up the garage and heaving more stuff on top. Soon the Christmas tree took the motorcycle’s spot. Then the motorcycle took the tools spot. Then random mountain goats showed up to hop from pile to pile. Damn goats.

Okay, there weren’t any goats. But, last Saturday we removed any temptation by having a garage sale. Yippy frickin’ yeah. I made Fuzzy speak to the random crazy people that wander from garage sale to garage sale wanting to talk about how Obama wasn’t born in the US. “Stop touching my stuff and go get a life!” This happens to be the same thing I say all the time at our local bear bar.

I stayed in the back organizing the fifty-two tubs of Christmas speculating the entire time if converting to Judaism would just save space.

After three hundred small town crazy people sorted through our Herb Ritts collection, neoprene pants and serving trays we now have our garage back. As a gay man, I have to say it's good feeling to finally be free of twelve Herb Ritts framed prints. That and a garage.

WHY DO GAY MEN WEAR CARGO SHORTS?

I received the latest mix CD from my favorite DJ over the weekend. My bud Nick and I were gay waiters together back in the ol’ college days. He was a DJ back in the day and has really just aged to perfection. Visit his Facebook page here. You’re really gonna love what you hear. That, and he is totally hot.


Yesterday I started off with a run in the park. Man, how I love the Sunday morning runs. I then hung out with the guys at Cherry Creek Mall to buy some “vacation threads” and since I still hadn’t bought sunglasses I bought two pair…..

I guess I’ve decided to be a twenty-two year old twink. Again. At 38 and at 230 lbs. Go figure. We ended the day at our local Bear Beer Bust or BBB. This is where I heard a classic piece of bullshit fly out of my mouth on why all the gay men around us were wearing camo cargo shorts.

“Well….Dolce & Gabbana invented the cargo short years ago. It was because they knew that gay men should never wear fanny packs but, needed extra pockets for their water bottles and tiny bags of K.”

The response was one of “Oh…I never knew that.”

Tell your friends.

DESKTOP FRIDAY

What's been on my desktop all week? The Iron Giant...

GAY FOR DOCTOR WHO

If you don’t watch the television program, Doctor Who please skip to QUESTION 42. If you do follow Doctor Who continue reading...


Have you watched the season/series finale of Doctor Who yet? You know that I’m gay for the kids television show, Doctor Who. Stupid BBC America and will start part one this Saturday. I say stupid because the series has aired three weeks ago in the UK and most people have already watch it on YouTube. I did try to find out when it’s airing on Australia’s network (ABC) but the website was upside down.*

I’m such a gay nerd for Doctor Who that I’ve started a big gay doctor fan group on Facebook. God... I really am just a fourteen year old dork. In the body of a rather large gay man. If you’re also still a nerdy kid. Check it out on Facebook. DOCTOR WHO GUYS. And if you’re not my FB friend yet hit me up.





QUESTION 42

This is Tom Hopper. Dreamy isn’t he? One day we’re going to get gay married. He was on Doctor Who once. See what you’re missing.

*Bad joke just for Kez.

DON'T TOUCH THE CHENILLE

We went for a run in Cheeseman Park on Sunday. And by “run” I mean dragging Fuzzy around the park like a new puppy. As we made our first turn I pointed to an old thirties apartment building right on the park.


“The first time I tricked with a guy it was in that building.” I casually mentioned. “But, it wasn’t his place he probably was a kept man.”

“Really, how did you know?” Fuzz asked.

“Because when I was pounding him I was looking around wondering why a twenty-five year old would have so much chenille in his life.”

Fuzz giggled. “I slept over at someone’s house and when I got cold, so I grab the grandmothers chenille blanket of the end of the bed. I woke up to the person beating me for using it.”

“You would have wiped you dick off on their grandmother’s chenille throw? Wouldn’t you?” I asked in mocking disgust.

“Probably”

“You’re more animal then man!” I said with utter disdain.

“Yep!”

ELEVEN DAYS

Eleven days until we head to Seattle. I haven’t had a real vacation in…… Wow. A long time. Is it too soon to start packing? Cargo shorts? Check. Sleeveless T-shirts? Check. Swim trunks? Check. Three pair of Pumas? Check. Well that was easy.

I started researching great things to do in Seattle along with things to do on the Island we’re staying on. Being the huge geek that I am, I’m very excited to see the Monorail and the site of the 1962 World’s Fair. As with every city I visit I need to stop in to the Seattle Eagle to pick up a T-shirt. This will add to my “LEATHER BAR T-SHIRTS FROM AROUND THE WORLD” collection in the third drawer of my dresser.  It’s very prestigious.

Although for most of the week we’re going to be at a beach house on Vashon, Island so I won’t need a T-shirt. Just Coppertone and some trunks. Digging for geoducks….. that I will not eat.

Must act like human for eleven more days! Must not give in to the urge of coming to work in a Speedo and flip-flops.

KILLER ROBOTS AND THE IPHONE

I ran into my bud and fellow Denver blogger, Howard from the Web Pen Blog last night at Dazbog, our local gay coffee spot. He’s so damn cute. He reminded of a Robot mix he had on his site. See it, hear it, feel it here.


Don’t you just love killer robot music? Yeah I thought so.

In other news, it’s like been like a week and like Steve is still fighting with his inner gay geek to not slam two-hundred bucks in the face of a sales person at the Apple store. Just to slump down in a corner, caressing his new iLover iPhone. Giggling like a fundamentalist petting his revolver after a visit to an abortion clinic. I think Bill had the best quote about the new iPhone.

“Tempt not a desperate man.” William Shakespeare

That girl knows the gay man’s burden of walking around with a two year old phone in his Lucky jeans. It’s hard. So hard. *

I used my two year old iPhone to snap a picture in the rain the other day. After waxing my car I was excited to see rain bead up on the hood. So beautiful! *









*Yes, Fuzzy comes back from his trip tomorrow. In case you’re wondering if I lost touch with reality being alone for ten days.

ROBOTS WANT TO KILL ME

What happens when sample bits from Doctor Who’s The Robots of Death and turn it into a gay dance mix?
Robophobia – James Zabiela



“From childhood he lived with only robots.”

There hasn’t been a better mix of Doctor Who and all things gay since Kylie Minogue drove that forklift in the storm drive. Poor Astrid Peth, I’m still bitter about that.

James Zabiela is my favorite DJ lately. Check out his site here and Robophobia is available on iTunes.

THE GEE TRAIN

Another video postcard from Dalton. That boy needs his own Vlog.




Did you know you can follow him on Twitter here.  Oh, and his site here.

THE SIXTH OF JULY

There is nothing better than the Fourth of July weekend in the old US. Nothing. I got up early on Saturday and headed to Chessman Park to strip down and put a coat of wax on my car. I’ve never hand waxed a car before, but then I’ve never wanted to be in the warm sun in the gay park wearing only gym shorts  cared for one of my cars that much. So with a Big Gulp in one hand and a towel in the other I celebrated Americas’ Birthday by polishing up the sports sedan and worked on getting rid of my tan lines.


Saturday night was boy’s night out at the Denver Wrangler. At the local bear bar we stood around and enjoyed the cool night air. Apparently they’ve started serving a great new drink. So good I had four glasses… or mugs since it was hot coffee. Great. I turned into my Dad, drinking hot coffee at ten o’clock at night.

Sunday was a road trip with the boys, five big guys in a Kia Soul followed by a meet up that evening for a great party Sunday night. Our buddy has a condo on the eighth floor overlooking Downtown Denver and all the fireworks displays. Even with the rain starting right at nine PM we huddled on the balcony to watch the fireworks around the city.

Yesterday was a great BBQ over at Frank’s house. Just a relaxing day in the back yard with friends. Then an early evening in bed. Since Fuzz is out of town the dog and I were able to stretch out in the middle of the bed like a swastika and watch as much classic Doctor Who via Netflix as we could stand.

Alas now it’s back to reality. On the bright side,  BFF Dalton has discovered his camera on his new iPhone and has started sending me video post cards. So, here’s a postcard from Dalton enjoying his weekend in Brooklyn.

ME WANT IPHONE!

The other half is gone for ten days. This means that for ten whole days I’m going to have the freedom and security of a clean bathroom. Cutie Mr. Fuzz-face is off to Washington DC for a convention of……some…. sort. I’m sure he told me but I’ve been singularly fixated on buying the new iPhone to care about breathing much less real life. Everything has just been a blur, homosexual lifetime companion partner gone for weeks out of the house? IPhone? Ran over three kids in a cross walk? IPhone?

With your other half gone don’t you just revert back to primordial gay caveman days? Rawr…. Xtube for hours on end…..Grrrrrr, ugg BMB ugg! It also means ten days of eating nothing but Morningstar veggie burgers and wheat toast.

He did ask me where to find a gay gym in DC. I pointed to this iPhone and suggested that he types in “DuPont Circle” into the map and the rest will work itself out. I had an odd feeling of releasing a steroid infused baby hedgehog into the wild. Hopefully when he returns he’ll have a DC gym t-shirt for me, some new stuff and things for his work and maybe I’ll have a new iPhone to show him.